Wait, it’s 2013? Did we do an SA Awards for 2012? Wait what. We DIDN’T? …Whateva, nigga.
Every year we do this shit and every year we get more jaded by the SHIT we have to put up with. We hoped at least this year the world would end and give us a goddamn break, but no. So here we are again to remind you that this year sucked and next year will too. Let’s fuckin’ go.
You know what sucks? Everything. Award
This award just can’t go to one bullshitty overhyped media cum dumpster this year, oh no. Four media darlings are just going to have to share the title of “Biggest attention whore of the year.” Fun fact: Renegade and I genuinely forgot these games existed.
Mass Effect 3, you are a shining example of what happens when a weak idea gets a planned trilogy and a lot of financial weight behind it.
Halo 4, you really didn’t need to exist, yet here you are, and we’re all a lot worse off for it, so good for you.
Assassin’s Creed 3, you are the same boring, mass-produced, robotically-manufactured, soulless, fun-sucking piece of shit that Assassin’s Creed was. Good work. After so many years and so many sequels, you achieved nothing but the illusion of entertainment in the minds of idiots.
Call of Duty Black Ops 2. Yet again Activision jerks off and the masses guzzle down the stale, watery mess. It is literally no different from any of the previous Call of Duty games. They’ll continue to release a new one every year and people will continue to empty their wallets for them even though they would have the exact same experience playing the first one again. In fact, I think I have a way Activision could make some easy money. I mean, easier money. They’ve released so many of these games now that they could easily just re-release the first one and not tell anybody. Nobody will notice, and money will be made. The fanboys will claim that it’s a masterpiece and a triumph.
As an aside, I have a theory that there will be as many Call of Duty games as there are racial slurs for people of Asian or Middle Eastern origin.
It sucked then and it sucks now Award
Winner: Diablo III
15 years ago, a little game called Diablo II came along and sucked a fat one. Now its genetically-flawed, copy/pasted, retarded baby clone is here and you guessed it, it sucks a fat one.
Who could possibly be asshole enough to sell a gimmick even more worthless than motion control Award
Nintendo did it… Twice. With 3D and… whatever the fuck the Wii U is.
Why would anything good EVER HAPPEN? Award
Holy shit, this game was actually pretty fucking good and it got a decent amount of media attention that it actually deserved? I guess someone at Arkane Studios must’ve sold their soul to make that happen. Lucifer got himself another good one this year.
But for real. It speaks volumes that one of the only games that actually stood out from the crowd this year was made by a small developer. Bethesda merely published this one and didn’t get its filthy hands all over the development, so it actually turned out pretty damn good. Do yourself a favor and pick this one up. It’s worth every penny.
Dishonorable mention: Dragon’s Dogma. This game was actually pretty good. Props especially go to the people who created the world, because it wasn’t randomly generated bullshit like Elder Scrolls always is.
Alpha… Testing? Award
Winner: Tom Clancy’s Ghost Recon Future Soldier
This game had so much wrong with it that we can only assume that it was alpha tested for five minutes by Tom Clancy himself, and that he was completely fucked up on like seven kinds of things when he did it. It definitely never went through usability testing either. I got nothing else to say here. I’m trying to be funny about it but when I think about it I just get sad. How did video games get like this?
Gameplay? Who even needs that? Award
Winner: Virtue’s Last Reward
This game found a way to be awesome while barely even being a game.
Why even make new games when we can keep selling the same ones? Award
Winner: Persona 4 Golden
We all played this four years ago but we’ll all play it again. We’ll play it again and love it.
If the thing you disliked was the ending, you have shit for taste Award
Mass Effect 3
’cause why would you even get mad about the ending when THE ENTIRE THING was shit?
Alright move along, nothing else to see here.