Fuck along, now.

No More Heroes

By S.A. Renegade on May 7, 2009 in Reviews

Final verdict: D
Final playtime: 15 hours

Yo. Guess what. It’s time to review more shit. I haven’t done any reviews in a while but I’m back now and ready to rock your face off. This time up, we gots another Wii game. ’bout time too, I hadn’t bought a Wii game in 6 months. Six fucking months man. What is that shit. How can a console be bad enough so as to make me not buy anything for it in 6 months? Furthermore, how can it be bad enough that when I do finally buy something, it turns out to be shit? Jesus. Atlus needs to come in and save this piece of junk with a new Trauma Center.

But I’m supposed to be talking about No More Heroes. Made by the same oddball group of assholes responsible for the crappy Killer7, No More Heroes somehow manages to be even shittier. Nice going guys. Nice fucking job. Unlike Killer7, No More Heroes was actually boring enough that it was a chore to finish it. I actually had to make a conscious effort to finish it because it was that fucking bad. I had to assure myself “Ok, hang in there. Only 2 more guys left to kill. Then it’ll all be over.” Although I did manage to beat it, so I guess that means it’s not as terrible as, say, Resident Evil 5.

The story is awful, though intentionally so. It takes the whole “tacked on story just as an excuse to have a game” thing and takes it to the extreme. Main character Travis Touchdown goes bankrupt because he bought a drink for a chick, then she tells him to go kill some guys, and he does. That’s basically it. Now, I don’t have a problem with a story being this bad, really, I don’t. I mean, look at Ninja Gaiden. The story in that game basically amounted to some dudes burn your village, you flip out and chop some motherfucking heads. And that was a good game. Because nobody gives a shit about story when your gameplay is Ninja Gaiden quality.

But say you have a game with shitty gameplay like Killer7 or No More Heroes. Now story suddenly becomes a lot more important, because how are you going to slog through all that boring gameplay with no incentive? Killer7 manages to give you that incentive by having a somewhat intriguing story (even if it turned out to be really bad). No More Heroes doesn’t even give you this. The story is boring as all hell. Though it’s somewhat funny at times, in a stupid sort of way, it’s just not enough to keep me interested. I don’t give a fuck that it’s supposed to be satire. So, what, you think just by admitting that it’s bad you’re off the hook, or it somehow turns good? Doesn’t fucking work that way, assholes.

The core action gameplay in No More Heroes is functional, but the developers do nothing with it. 95% of enemies you can beat just by letting them come to you, stunning them with a kick, throwing them and finishing them off. And once you get the best katana, change that tactic to just locking on and slashing continuously. Seriously, that’s all there is to enemies in this game. You have dodge buttons but there’s no point in using them because it’s not as effective as just slashing nonstop. As you can imagine, it becomes boring and tedious pretty damn fast.

And if that wasn’t enough, they throw obligatory motion controls which bring absolutely nothing to the table on top of this shitfest. Ugh. Give me a fucking break. Do I have to go over this again? Stop tacking on pointless unnecessary motion controls in games that do not fucking need them, you bunch of dumb fucks. I swear to god developers don’t even use their fucking brains when it comes to motion controls. They just go “Durr, them motion controls be in these days! Let’s put it in our game!” I guess I shouldn’t be surprised the game came out like this with the pack of mindless baboons working on it.

That’s what No More Heroes is. Just a mindless beat ’em up. Oh sure, it might look cool to destroy enemies left and right in a spray of unnecessarily gratuitous blood, but nothing is going on underneath that. And you know what’s bullshit? I just know the idiotic masses will lap it right up like the ignorant superficial monkeys you all are. And hey, apparently they really did, because this piece of shit happens to have sold so well that it even warranted a sequel. Way to go, mass market. Always proving that if you can get buckets of blood to gush out by repeatedly pressing the A button, your game will sell like hotcakes.

And you know what’s hilarious? The Wii is in such a desperate situation for software that people are calling this one of the best Wii games. Bahahaha! Stop, you people are killing me over here. This game is NOT GOOD. It might seem good to a retarded nintendrone who’s never played a real action game and whose entire experience of “extreme sword duels” consists of fighting Ganondorf. You fucking nintendrones are pathetic. The fighting in this game sucks. It’s about as much fun as running over people in GTA (read: not a whole lot of fun unless you’re a 10-year old dipshit).

And speaking of GTA, it happens to be a game that No More Heroes ripped off of bigtime. When you’re not in the beat ’em up mission parts of the game, you’re in a big free-roaming city ala GTA. Hey Grasshopper, here’s a tip. If you’re going to shamelessly copy a game, next time make sure it’s one that doesn’t suck donkey balls. Idiots.

And they didn’t just copy it. No. They copied it, and somehow managed to make it even shittier. The city has so few people and cars that it feels like a fucking ghost town. The physics are so awful that when you crash against a car, unless you’re going at top speed it’s like hitting an invisible barrier between you and the car that just redirects you to one side. If you run over someone two things might happen: they either scream and stumble… or you might just go right through them with nothing happening. Further, there’s just nothing to do. There are maybe 5 buildings to go to in the entire city. The sword shop, the gym, the video store, a bar I went to like once, a clothes shop that I didn’t give a shit about until I saw I could buy a shirt that said Viva Mexico (see, Mexicans, I may have called you a bunch of pinche cabrons, but we’re still cool, right ese?).

So all evidence points to the city in this game being a monumental waste of time. Too bad the game forces you to be in it, because to unlock the next mission, you have to scrounge up an increasingly large amount of money in the city. This is done by getting jobs like picking up trash, filling up cars at the gas station, wiping graffiti off walls, looking for lost kittens, and doing assassination missions where you get to decapitate some more scarecrows, except this time maybe you’re under a time limit, or you can’t get touched by any enemies. Missions which take yet another page from GTA by making you have to go through the entire city every time you fail them. And this is all obviously just a pathetic attempt at artificially prolonging game time. Fuck you.

Character-wise the game doesn’t fare a whole hell of a lot better. Starting with the fact that NMH makes you play as Travis Touchdown, king of the losers, chief of the morons, prince of the perverts. I will concede that he’s funny sometimes, but if I’m going to play as someone, I don’t want it to be a pathetic otaku who does embarrassing things like looking up women’s skirts. Jesus, this guy is so much of a loser that he actually begs the main bitch for sex. Could there possibly be anything more pathetic than that? Hell, one of the reasons he keeps assassinating the people said bitch tells him to is because she makes him think she’ll have sex with him if he does. Urgh. That’s Travis for you. Turning into a bitch’s slave just for sex. Grow some fucking balls please.

Oh and the main bitch I keep mentioning? Don’t even make me fucking talk about her. I hated her so much I spent the entire game hoping I’d get to kill her at some point.

The only thing that doesn’t suck about this game are the boss fights, which are done somewhat well and are far more engaging than anything else in the game. Obviously they’re not as good as the boss fights in a real action game, but they are kind of fun, though they tend to drag on a bit longer than I would’ve liked. Especially the last one. God damn that one dragged on forever.

That’s it though. Pretty much nothing else about this game is good. Oh, and for all you Killer7 fans, NMH may not be as fucked up, but it’s still pretty fucking absurd. But seriously don’t bother with this game. The decent boss fights aren’t worth the package. Me, I’m going to enjoy not getting the sequel.

Final Verdict: D

Final Playtime: 15 hours

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