I am about to land on the moon and must concentrate

Chrono Trigger DS

By S.A. Renegade on January 4, 2009 in Reviews

Final verdict: C
Final playtime: 40 hours

Hey, it’s my first review of 2009, and whaddaya fuckin’ know, it’s another disappointment. Yep, that’s pretty much the state of gaming these days, and it’s looking like it’ll carry on well into this year and beyond. This one’s a bit of a surprise because the offender happens to be the legendary Chrono Trigger, a game I’ve always considered to be one of, if not the, best on the SNES. But that was what I thought back in 1995 when I was a dumb 7 year old. Now I’m a smrt 20 year old. Big difference. So if anything, playing this remake served as a scientific investigation to find out if Chrono Trigger is actually as awesome as I remember, or if I was just being clouded by nostalgia.

Turns out it’s the latter. But let’s take it slow. First of all: Akira Toriyama, you’re a horrible artist. Your art sucks. I don’t even know why this fucker is so god damn popular. They use his art for so many games. One time I watched an episode of Dragon Ball Z and the animation was so hilariously bad that it was embarrassing. Can’t anyone see how ugly his characters are? Jesus H. Christ. Everybody is blind except me.

When it comes to story, Chrono Trigger isn’t bad, especially for such an old game. But what really stands out about it is the music. Yasunori Mitsuda is a musical genius, and created a soundtrack for Chrono Trigger back in 1995 that is probably the game’s strongest point.

The problem with CT is that it has some pretty bad design choices, ones I wasn’t even aware of until playing this remake. As far as I was aware 13 years ago, it was a godly game.

The battle system is decent, and combat is pretty fast-paced, which is nice. However, probably the first problem I saw was that CT is about as challenging as the math I had to do at nursery. Now, this might not be such a big deal if you’re a little kid. But if you’re not, then we have a big problem. I’m not saying a game can’t be easy and still be good. But to pull that off, it must have other things that work in its favor, such as a story that is interesting enough to make you overlook gameplay flaws, characters that you really care about, etc. Chrono Trigger has none of these things. Looks like it’s time for me to teach all of you idiot developers the basics again. Here’s the deal: It’s very important for an RPG to be difficult because it gives you a reason to engage in the countless fights you’ll have throughout the game. It makes getting exp feel like a worthwhile endeavor.

But since Chrono Trigger is so fucking easy, battles end up feeling like a waste of time. Since nothing ever poses any sort of challenge, you never feel the need to get stronger. Hell, you end up getting 999 HP and 99 MP at around level 55 or so, long before your first playthrough is over, and then encounters feel like an even greater waste of time. And that’s not all. The act of leveling itself feels empty and meaningless in this game. It’s like “Crono levels up!” and you’re just like “Uh, I don’t even remember what level I am anymore, but k.” You douchebags really think that’s how leveling should be?

WRONG, failures. It’s a very important part of RPGs, and so developers should give you some kind of reward that makes you want that next level. Look at Fallout. Every level up gives you skill points to distribute, and perks to choose from. Look at Nocturne. Every level up gives you a stat point to distribute and a new skill and the ability to create a new demon. Those are examples of games that handle leveling well. What does Chrono Trigger give you? A big fat load of nothing. Even the techs a character can learn can be counted on one or two hands. Take Magus, for example. All he learns is Dark Bomb, Barrier, Dark Mist, Black Hole, and Dark Matter. You learn all 5 of those techs very quickly after getting him, and then what? Leveling brings nothing to the table anymore.

Then we have the fact that the game is really fucking short. What’s that you’re saying? It has 13 endings and is made to be replayed many times? Newsflash, dipshit: making you go through the game again just to watch a different ending doesn’t make a game like this longer. It’s not like this is Devil May Cry where every subsequent playthrough (on a harder difficulty) is even more fun than the last. In fact, Chrono Trigger manages to make each subsequent playthrough even more boring than the last. It’s like it wasn’t enough to make every run equally as boring. No, they had to actually go the extra mile. This is done by the use of one of the most retarded features I’ve come across. The famous New Game+. With this, you can start the game all over again, but with the level you finished the game at, and all your equipment.

Back when I was a little kid, I thought this feature was genius. Probably because I was an idiot, and also because being an unstoppable force of pure devastation was such a novel concept to me. I’d probably giggle as I one-shotted everything in the game, and it never occurred to me that this is FUCKING BORING. I can expect something like this from a kid, but someone tell me, how can a game designer be enough of an imbecile to think New Game+ is a good idea. It’s beyond comprehension. If the game is already boring because it’s too easy, then what do you fucking think would happen if you played it while being invincible and one-shotting everything? My point is, how can people be this retarded? You expect me to play a game where I one-shot everything 13 fucking times just to see different endings? I know one word… and it’s FUCK YOU! …I guess that was more than one word.

Speaking of idiots, I find it funny when cockbags complain about a game having random encounters, saying it’s archaic, and that being able to see enemies like in Chrono Trigger is better because it lets you avoid them and so it makes the game less frustrating/annoying/boring/slow. Well here’s yet another newsflash for you dipshits: if you’re wanting to avoid fights in an RPG it’s either because

1) The game is too easy like Chrono fucking Trigger and you feel no drive to gain exp.

2) The devs are being assholes and making you run through areas you’ve already been in that give shitty exp without giving you enemy repellant.

Either way, it’s not because it has random encounters, it’s because the game you’re playing is a piece of shit. So get your god damn facts straight.

Then finally we have the 2 new dungeons exclusive to this remake. I was expecting them to be decent but they also turned out to be a complete disappointment. Nevermind the fact that by the time you tackle them you’re pretty much all-powerful and so they present zero challenge or incentive. These things are a prime example of developer laziness.

The first one is comprised of boringass fetch quests coupled with an unholy amount of backtracking. Even Satan himself would make the sign of the cross when confronted with this much backtracking. I probably went through the same fucking area over 30 times. What is that shit?

The second one is also pretty much an uninteresting waste of time because of the same reasons, but on top of that, half of it is the classic making you run through the same fucking areas you’ve already been in throughout the game with the sole purpose of making you waste time. God FUCKING dammit. What is WRONG with you assholes?! If you’re going to make something this fucking lazy then don’t even bother making anything at all.

The new boss was nice, despite being a pussy. But not a good reward for making me go through those shitty dungeons. Same goes for the shitty new ending.

So since the story and characters are alright, but not good enough to carry the game on their own, and the gameplay has this critical flaw where battles feel like annoyances, I have no choice but to conclude that Chrono Trigger is very highly overrated. And I probably would have never known if I hadn’t played this remake. Oh, also this remake is a lazy piece of shit.

Final Verdict: C

Final Playtime: 40 hours

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