What the fuck? It’s the end of the year ALREADY? God dammit, and we barely played SHIT.
Hell, I already thought last year we didn’t play much but this year we took the cake. Is
this what it’s like to be old? Fucking sucks man. Soon we gonna be yelling at clouds.
Hell, Shepton probably already is. That nigga like two years older than me. He ancient.
Either way, no matter how old and busy we get another year goes by, and you know they say
time waits for no dogg, so let’s do this shit.
Why are all the best games on the shittiest system? Award
Winner: Nintendo 3DS
God dammit. Remember back when the 3DS came out and we were all making fun of it and saying how it was no better than a paperweight? Welp, now we’re here and my 3DS probably gets more play than any other system. And not because I like it. I fucking HATE this thing. But what can I even do when every must-play game is 3DS exclusive nowadays? I got no choice but to eat that shit and like it. I guess the allure of the 3DS is too great for most developers in this era of ridiculous game budgets: a system so shitty that they can get away with spending very little money making their game because, hey, that’s the norm! And since it’s so shitty, it’s also cheap, so a lot of people bought it! And now that we’re all making the games exclusively for it, even more people will have to buy it! It’s win-win-win!
Best Music Award
Winner: Metal Gear Rising: Revengeance
Holy fucking shit. I don’t know who Maniac Agenda is, but this game has like the best boss fight songs OF ALL TIME. The kind that makes you want to purposefully die to the boss just so you can listen to it again. The kind that makes you want to get the OST afterwards. Don’t ask me how they did it, but most developers could stand to learn a thing or two from this.
There is no justice left in this world Award
Winner: Grand Theft Auto V
Another day, another mediocre GTA that sells 11 million copies in 24 hours. Wait, what?! That’s a new record! So the world is actually regressing. Good to know. You can quickly tell who is a complete fucking hack by who dared to even consider giving this shit a game of the year award. All I can say is, good job, Rockstar, on making a game that is less bad than GTAIV. Though that would’ve been pretty hard.
You had everything you needed, the path was obvious, and you STILL managed to fuck it up Award
The Wii U is an interesting console. The gamepad functions as a second screen, that also happens to be a touchscreen. What does this tell you? That’s right. It’s obvious: the console is tailor made to allow you to play 3DS games on your TV. AND YET. Not only does the Wii U not have this feature, but an entire YEAR later Nintendo still refuses to add said feature. Are you fucking kidding me? Even I would buy the Wii U right this very instant if it allowed you to do that. Even Sony realized the error of their ways by making the PS Vita TV (or maybe they just wanted us to pay more for a feature that should’ve been in there from the start, but at least we’re getting it in the end). But Nintendo? Noooo, why would Nintendo ever do something good? They’re a god awful company that hasn’t done anything good in years. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but Sony is literally a better company than Nintendo now.
Dishonorable Mention: Xbone
Man. Remember back during the first half of the last generation when the Xbox 360 was basically THE console of choice even despite having a lifespan of about 1 year? Whatever happened to that? It seems like the PS3 slowly overtook it since then, and now with the Xbone disaster Microsoft has completely finished squandering any lead they might have had left. Well, at the very least they can enjoy this award.
How does this not suck MOUNTAINS of cock Award
Winner: Animal Crossing: New Leaf
I’ve never been much of a fan of Animal Crossing, but this latest version was surprisingly fun. There’s a lot more to do in the game now, the home decorating aspect was very well done this time around, and the ability to visit and play with your friends through the internet is an absolute godsend to the series. I might’ve fibbed a little when I said Nintendo hasn’t done anything good.
Gameplay? Who even needs that. Award
Winner: Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney 5: Dual Destinies
Thank god Capcom can stop sucking the fat one just long enough to at least allow this series to continue as a downloadable title. We can’t rest easy, though. You just know at any point they can say it didn’t sell well enough and axe it. So do your part and go buy this game.
Game we didn’t care enough about to play
Like, all of them. The amount of work we put into this site this year was pitiful. And it’s probably not getting much better. It’s probably safe to say we’re at the point in our life where we don’t have the time to play much outside of the must-play titles such as the aforementioned Ace Attorney 5. Sorry, Game That I Can’t Be Assed To Remember. You’re gonna have to work that much harder in today’s rough times to get our attention. Simple as that. Deal with it.
Dis nigga did the absolute least amount of work for his own site Award
Dammit! I thought this award was mine for sure and then Shepton just takes it effortlessly?! I reached out to him for a comment, but he said he’d get back to me later on that and then never did.
Why did you think of that though. Why would you think of that. Award
Winner: Beyond: Two Souls
Everybody was already aware that Quantic Dream doesn’t know how to make a game. They’ve probably never touched one in their lives. But you’ve got to have your head REALLY far up your ass to also write a story this bad on top of it. This game is what happens when a hack who wishes they were making movies, and probably would suck at that too, decides getting into games would be an acceptable alternative for whatever shitty thing they want to inflict on the world.
Game of the Year Award
Winner: Metal Gear Rising: Revengeance
Yeah, that’s right, I fucking said it. The game in literally no one’s consideration for game of the year. In fact, most only slammed the game. For the wrong reasons. So it’s up to me to set the record straight. Fuck your GTAs and Last of Us’s. Metal Gear Rising was very close to being an amazing game and probably would be if they rereleased an updated version of it. Which they won’t, because it seems only Atlus and Capcom do that, but one can dream. But even if it fell short, turns out nothing else this year was particularly amazing either, so it doesn’t take a lot to win the race when everybody else is crippled.
Alright, there you have it. Fuck along now.