Introduction

What be up my catts in tha litter! Guess who’s back in the muthafuckin’ HOUSE? ‘s right, whatchoo gon’ do? Yeah, yeah, I know I’m pretty late with this (apparently not late enough because no one else wrote one). I’ve been busy playing Harvest Moon: Animal Parade. Good game by the way. You should get it. You think there ain’t good games on the Wii lately? This game proves you wrong. But other than that… uhh… I guess you’re not wrong. And no, I swear I’m not getting payed by Natsume for plugging this.

But I’m back to the matter at hand. So what’s the deal this time? Oh, the usual. I talk, you shut yo mouth and listen. What you’ll find here is a detailed walkthrough to getting Pure Platinum awards on every chapter on Nonstop Climax difficulty. What does this mean? It means that first of all, this walkthrough assumes you’re playing on Nonstop Climax. Not Hard, not Normal, and DEFINITELY not Easy Automatic! Secondly, it concentrates not on simply passing the game, but Pure Platinuming it. Yeah, that’s right, I just turned that into a verb. I’m a literary renegade like that. Anyway, like I said, it concentrates on getting Pure Platinums on every chapter. Because of that, this guide will detail how to find and do every optional verse including every Alfheim. Finally, I’ll also be providing videos of me getting pure platinum for every chapter as a visual aid and accompaniment to the guide. Can you use this guide as a general walkthrough for the game? Probably. I tell you what to do to beat the game and what to do in every situation. But that’s not its main purpose. Just incidental.

General Tips

-The difference between getting Pure Platinum and simply passing non stop climax is like the difference between talking shit and talking shit with a gun in your mouth. If you think you can do this after only a few tries, you got another thing comin’.

-In infinite climax, you can’t use witch time. That means it’ll be much tougher to get combo points because not only will you not get the witch time multiplier, but you also won’t be able to combo without risk.

-The enemies are similar to how they were in hard, except now they have really gay stun guard. So say you’re in the middle of comboing a dude. He can just completely ignore what you’re doing and hit you back. Never, ever, ever, EVER start comboing an enemy and assume that he will be trapped in your combo. You will be crushed. And by crushed I mean you’ll get hit, thereby rendering everything you did previously meaningless.

-To get pure platinum award in a chapter you need to get pure platinum in EVERY verse, no exceptions. If you get 11 pure platinums and 1 platinum, you still won’t get the pure platinum award. Yep, I know, it’s a cunt. No room for flaws at all. Jesus. That means if you get hit once, it’s over. If you fail to keep your combo going, it’s over. At any point. Yeah, it’s ridiculously hard.

-Yeah, I know these victory conditions are pretty crazy. What were they thinking?! There you are beating the game with your eyes closed because it’s so easy, all innocent, minding your own business and then BAM they pull this shit on you! What can you do?! Welp. Listen up, because there are a few cheap tricks you can use to beat the system, make this much easier, and just in general avoid putting in any real effort:

Cheap Trick #1: Buy Pulley’s Butterfly and use the shit out of it. When you have the butterfly effect active, you can take hits and it won’t count! This makes Pure Platinuming sooo much easier it’s hilarious. No longer will you be on pins and needles throughout the entire mission knowing that a single stray hit can end it all. You can just relax, take it easy, and just cruise through that shit like it’s Sepulveda Boulevard.

Cheap Trick #2: The dreaded Lieutenant Kilgore bug. Strike fear into the heart of Paradiso with this cheap exploit. Set guns on your hands and Durga on feet, and on the other set set Kilgore to feet. With the former set, do the PPPPK~ move that makes you do a flurry of kicks at the end. Just as you start the kick part, switch to the second set with Kilgore. Instead of shooting out just a few rockets as usual, you’ll shoot out a shitload of them. There is no way this isn’t a bug. The damage you do with this is ridiculous, and best of all, so are the combo points you get. This move is all you need to get yourself up to x9.9 combo points easily every time. The weapon combination example I gave above isn’t the only way to do this trick. You can use other combinations as long as you have Kilgore and Durga somewhere in there, so experiment and see what works and what you like.

Cheap Trick #3: What happens if you get hit at some point in the mission, or your combo breaks? You’ve just failed and have to restart the whole thing right? Not so fast! Notice the game saves your progress at different points throughout every mission. These save points aren’t just for show. Say you’re in a fight, and you get hit. Or your combo breaks. You know that just killed your chances of getting the pure platinum in that verse. Well, what you can do is simply press start, and escape out to the title screen. Then choose Play, and Continue. You will continue from the previous save point with all of the pure platinums you got before intact and will be able to try that verse again without having to do the entire mission again. Again, this is a godsend. It makes everything so much more chill when you’re not afraid of that one stray hit at the very end forcing you to redo 30 minutes or whatever it was.

There you have it. Isn’t it so much easier when you can beat the system so thoroughly? Serves ’em right if you ask me. I can take redoing a 5-10 minute mission tops, but these are pretty fucking long. These tricks change the entire thing from practically impossible to very doable. I mean, I suck at this game and even I can do it like this!

-The most important aspect of getting the necessary combo points to get pure platinum is to KEEP THE COMBO GOING. Don’t worry about doing cool stuff, being varied, etc. That’s not how this game works.

So what do I mean by keeping the combo going? Simple. Look at the top right of the screen. This part shows you the breakdown of your attacks. Each time you hit an enemy with an attack, a little window pops up telling you what type of attack it was and how many points it gives you. It stays there for about 3 seconds and then disappears. As you use other attack more windows start popping up beneath each one. Well, keeping your combo going simply means that there is no point during which all of the windows have disappeared. At the point where all windows have disappeared, your combo gets reset, and with it your chance of getting platinum on combo. But if you can keep at least one window up at any one time, your multiplier will keep increasing (up to x9.9) and that means mad points.

So how can you make sure you can keep at least one window on there? The easiest way is with your gun. If there’s a lull in your attacks or you had to hightail it out of a sticky situation, shoot an enemy with the square button to give you an extra 3 seconds. In fact, as long as you are shooting an enemy you can keep the gun window on there. It’s only once you stop shooting that the 3 seconds start.

The other way is taunting. As long as you are taunting the windows will freeze in place and not disappear. The good thing about taunting is that, unlike shooting your gun, it doesn’t require an enemy! This makes it useful at keeping your combo from resetting during the short points when there are no enemies on the arena. The other use of the taunt is that if you do it while locked on to an enemy (soft lock on works as well as hard), they will turn fiery orange and for a while hitting them will give you 50% more points. They will also be pissed though, making them more dangerous.

-So what should you make sure you got before attempting this thing? Hwell. Obviously there’s a ton of shit that goes without saying: you should have all the techniques purchased, all the weapons, DEFINITELY have all 3 magic gauges. Health is irrelevant. As noted above, make sure that you have Pulley’s Butterfly. Also make sure you have the Evil Harvest Rosary. Other than that, just in general have all the accessories, though those two are the main essential ones.

Prologue

Verse 1

Aight doggy. Here we go. This chapter isn’t too bad since it’s only 2 verses, but in a way, it’s going to be a huge wake up call since the game has been pretty damn easy up till now. Well lemme tell you. The difference between getting Pure Platinum and simply passing non stop climax is like the difference between talking shit and talking shit with a gun in your mouth. If you think you can do this after only a few tries, you got another thing comin’.

But let’s take things one at a time. As you’re probably well aware, you CANNOT get hit at all throughout this chapter. If you get hit once, it’s over. You’ve failed. Easier said than done huh? But it gets even harder when you realize that on top of that you also have to get mad combo points. So. You’re going to have to practice and develop the skill necessary to avoid damage. However, even when you’ve practiced a lot, being flawless can still be very hard.

As soon as you appear in the graveyard, start by shooting out the tombstones before the enemies run up to you so they don’t get in your way. Believe it or not, an undestroyed tombstone can fuck up your hard lock on and keep you from locking onto an enemy. But anyway, time is the least of your concerns here, so don’t worry too much about that. Hitting the platinum time limit is really easy. On the other hand, getting the required combo points can be almost impossible if you’re not familiar with the way the combo system works. Here’s the deal: by far and away the most important thing you have to do is make sure your combo doesn’t end. That’s right, by far and away. Switching weapons, using varied attacks and combos? That’s not even that important. This isn’t DMC3. As long as you can keep your combo going you’ll get the points you need.

So what do I mean by keeping the combo going? Simple. Look at the top right of the screen. This part shows you the breakdown of your attacks. Each time you hit an enemy with an attack, a little window pops up telling you what type of attack it was and how many points it gives you. It stays there for about 3 seconds and then disappears. As you use other attack more windows start popping up beneath each one. Well, keeping your combo going simply means that there is no point during which all of the windows have disappeared. At the point where all windows have disappeared, your combo gets reset, and with it your chance of getting platinum on combo. But if you can keep at least one window up at any one time, your multiplier will keep increasing (up to x9.9) and that means mad points.

So how can you make sure you can keep at least one window on there? The easiest way is with your gun. If there’s a lull in your attacks or you had to hightail it out of a sticky situation, shoot an enemy with the square button to give you an extra 3 seconds. In fact, as long as you are shooting an enemy you can keep the gun window on there. It’s only once you stop shooting that the 3 seconds start.

The other way is taunting. As long as you are taunting the windows will freeze in place and not disappear. The good thing about taunting is that, unlike shooting your gun, it doesn’t require an enemy! This makes it useful at keeping your combo from resetting during the short points when there are no enemies on the arena. The other use of the taunt is that if you do it while locked on to an enemy (soft lock on works as well as hard), they will turn fiery orange and for a while hitting them will give you 50% more points. They will also be pissed though, making them more dangerous.

So now that you know what you’re supposed to do, it’s time to actually do it! Don’t even worry about weapons or combos or any of that. Just use whatever weapon you like the best. As long as you keep the combo going you’ll get the points needed.

In this first verse, you’ll first be fighting a lot of weakling angels and decorations, and then Glory and Grace. Here’s what I recommend doing: since Glory and Grace are much more dangerous than the other pussies, you should abstain from using torture combos on the weaklings and instead save all three big orbs for Grace and Glory. This is good because not only does their torture give you more points, but it also makes it a lot easier to both avoid damage and keep the combo going.

Therefore, fight all the first dudes normally, building magic but not using it. Remember to shoot enemies during lulls and taunt during the points where enemies have yet to appear (and when they’re right in front of you if you’re feeling daring). If your combo resets before Glory and Grace appear, that’s it. You’ve failed. Start again. Same goes for getting hit.

If you’ve managed to keep your combo, taunt nonstop while they appear. And keep taunting while they’re far away, wait for them to come to you. Once they’re close (being careful not to get hit), initiate the torture combo on one of them. I like doing it on the lightning one since he’s a bigger cunt. Remember to use your Mario Party skills to get a good amount of points. Y’know what I mean. Set the controller on your lap and use the palm of your hand to rotate the stick. Sure, it hurts after doing it a lot but it won’t do any lasting damage. Trust me. I’ve still got the hands of a princess. But anyway, you should get around 180.

As soon as the torture ends, immediately initiate the second torture. You don’t have to worry about getting hit, it’s completely safe! This second torture will kill him. Then move towards the other guy and, making sure he doesn’t hit you, use your third torture combo on him.

Now this is an important point: if you’ve kept your combo going up to this point, once you’ve done this you can stop worrying about it. You’ve hit the quota. From here on, you can concentrate on not getting hit (of course, it doesn’t hurt to keep getting combo points). Anyway, the surviving grace has about 33% HP left, so fight him normally and kill him.

Once that’s done, you’ll have to jump down the cliff and fight a few more angels. Remember, just fight them and concentrate on not getting hit. There’s a stronger one there too but he won’t fight you as long as you don’t shoot him (since he has Enzo in his claws). You can wait until you kill all the others before dealing with him, it’s up to you. Once you’ve killed them all, you’ll have to fight a Fairness. This guy is strong and somewhat dangerous. If you have 2 big orbs left, you can just torture him to death with no risk. If you don’t, it’s not that much of a problem though because there’s only one of him. Remember that you have an opportunity to deal damage to him without risk just as soon as he appears and roars.

Verse 2

This one is easier than the last verse. The catch in this verse in normal and hard was that witch time was disabled, but in non stop climax witch time is always disabled ANYWAY, so it’s not like we give a fuck. What you’re supposed to do here is do 3 torture combos to win. That’s it. It turns out that the combo quota is very lenient so you don’t need to worry at all about it! As long as you do the 3 torture combos you’ll meet it. As for time, it’s not super strict but I believe it’s tighter than the last verse, so don’t dilly dally. As always, getting hit means you’ve failed the entire chapter, so that’s your biggest concern.

The enemies here are a bit different from usual. They’re a lot less aggressive and will just stand there or move around a lot of the time. Of course, when you least expect it, BAM. You just got PUNKED, busta. So don’t lower your guard.

As soon as the fight starts, nay, BEFORE it starts, spam dodge because this game likes to be a cunt and attack you before you even know what’s going on. Once that’s out of the way, you’ll have to start building up magic. But how? Well, probably the best way to do it is to just plain kill enemies. These dudes have a very high chance of dropping purple butterflies, which is the best way to increase your magic. You might want to use the triangle, circle, triangle wicked weave combo from a distance so you’re not put in too much risk. You may also want to use the PPPKKK combo to sweep them and knock them off their feet. Either way it’s nothing too special since these guys like to just stand around a lot. Just do those 3 tortures and the pure platinum is yours.

Chapter 1

Verse 1

Aight, so, before you start this mission, I recommend having full magic orbs. Yes, all 3 of them. You can either do this by getting them before starting the mission, or you can get most of them and then break all of the benches in the train station area to find 2 purple butterflies. Either way, once you’ve got them all, make your way past the door with the security lasers and break the brick wall after that. Jump down into the pit and open the chest there. Grab the key.

Now. Once you get back up, the first verse will start. You’ll be fighting a single Joy. Nothing too special, but stay on your toes. I actually recommend not using Pulley’s Butterflies in this verse since it’s only one enemy. To get the necessary combo points just make sure you hit her with the key until she dies. The key gives mad points. Remember that Joys are SO god damn fast that it can be almost impossible to react to their bullshit. You kind of have to anticipate when they’ll attack. Here’s when: As soon as you get up there and she appears, she’ll IMMEDIATELY do a charge move on you, so make sure you dodge as soon as she appears. After you’ve dodged that you’re free to hit her a few times with the key. Do the standard 3 hit combo. She’ll try to dodge the hits but won’t be able to and will get hit by at least one of them. Once she’s done spamming her dodges and your 3 hit combo is done, get ready because she’ll retaliate with an attack. Make sure to dodge it, and once you do, do another 3 hit key combo on her to finish her off.

When that’s done, quickly jump over the chasm and insert the key into the door to finish the verse.

Verse 2

At this point I like to equip the Evil Harvest Rosary for the next fight. Check the broken umbra witch statue to activate the fight. It’s against 2 Joys. The one closest to you loves to start the fight by charging at you as soon as she appears. So when the fight starts, make sure to immediately dodge. If done right she’ll get hit by the magical counter attack for about 1/4 damage. Then initiate a torture combo on her ass to finish her off without a hitch. If she didn’t attack at the start for some reason or the magical counter attack didn’t go off, she’ll be left with 1/4 HP from the torture. You can finish her off by spamming punch with the Shuraba as soon as the torture ends.

Once the first one’s dead, run towards the second. Be careful because she’s likely to attack you as soon as you get close, so dodge once, then start another torture combo on her, and kill her by spamming punch with Shuraba afterwards just like the last one.

If done right you shouldn’t have gotten hit and got the necessary combo points with those tortures.

Verse 3

This next verse is the hidden Alfheim. Jump over the water and activate the elevator, then backtrack to where you found the key a couple minutes ago. Make sure to unequip the Evil Harvest Rosary because this Alfheim consists of activating witch time, and that won’t let you.

Now, the only way to damage enemies here is to be in witch time. That means that the only way to keep the combo going aside from when you’re in witch time is to be taunting. Fortunately, the game knows this, and the combo point quota is relatively low. That means you can go ahead and break your combo during different points and still get the combo points necessary for the pure platinum.

Man, you ever noticed how the music in this game is really bad, and yet, I’ve been playing the game for so long, listening to the same song for so long that now I actually like it and I’m even singing along like a fucking girl. Fffff. Uh, anyway.

Remember that the game drains all of your magic before starting the Alfheim, that means you can’t activate Pulley’s Butterfly immediately. So make sure you don’t get hit during the start. I mean come on. Get your head in the game! But yeah, the Alfheim will start with an Ardor and a few lesser angels. Make sure that they’ve fully appeared before approaching them (that means waiting a little bit), otherwise they won’t immediately attack you and that can throw you off.

Like I said, approach the Ardor, and since this is Infinite Climax and these guys are PISSED OFF, he will immediately attack you as soon as you’re in range. So anticipate that and dodge to activate witch time. Once you’re in it, quickly start the PPPPK~ Kilgore combo on him. Remember that there’s not much time, so you might not get to even finish the combo. Oh well. Either way, this will have given you enough orbs to activate Pulley’s Butterfly so once witch time is over, jump and quickly get away from ground zero. Move to a safer place and activate it. Once that’s done you can relax a little bit. Just fight normally as you would. Dodge an attack, use the Kilgore combo on an enemy, repeat. But also try to taunt a lot in between dodges to try and keep the combo going. You can break it a few times and still get the pure platinum, but don’t overdo it!

Also remember to keep an eye on your butterflies. Sometimes they’ll go away for no reason at all, so make sure that you’re not caught naked and unaware. Run away and activate it again if you have to. Doesn’t matter if your combo breaks, it’s better than getting hit. Also try not to use too many torture combos for now, rather sit on your orbs and let them build. After a while one of those white dudes who are immune to witch time will appear. Careful with that guy. You need to dodge someone ELSE’S attack and then hit him during witch time. If you’re fast, you can actually kill him in a single instance of witch time by doing the Kilgore combo until he’s at about half health, and then canceling into a torture combo to finish off the last half of his bar.

At the end you’ll face 2 Ardors and a Joy at the same time. The Joy is the most dangerous one so you’ll want to kill her first, and fast before she can get any of her bullshit going. Since the Ardors are much more reliable, I recommend using them to activate witch time and then going straight for the Joy. Hit her a few times until she’s down to 3/4s health and then use a torture combo to finish her. Once that’s done you’re pretty much home free. Take care of the 2 Ardors as usual and go ahead and use up your Tortures if you want. Your magic will refill at the end.

Remember, you can’t get hit once. If you do, it’s over.

Verse 4

Go back to the elevator and take it up to the surface. Keep going past the cutscene with Rodin and out to the courtyard for the next verse.

Now this one is about as tough as the Alfheim you just did, so look lively. The biggest problem here is that the combo point quota is pretty steep. If your combo breaks at any point halfway through the battle there’s a strong chance that you won’t get the platinum. It can break, like, right at the start or right at the very end, but not halfway. So in this fight you’re going to be using your guns A LOT to keep your combo from resetting.

As soon as the fight starts, I recommend running away and activating Pulley’s Butterfly. The enemies will run after you. Now that you’ve got the butterflies’ protection there’s nothing to fear though. Start by doing a full Kilgore combo on them to start strong and get the combo going, don’t worry about getting hit and losing a few butterflies here, you want to get those points.

After dispatching those guys you’ll start getting both angels and little annoying decorations. You gotta be careful with these little guys. Their attack actually bypasses your butterflies and damages you so don’t underestimate them just because they’re tiny. I recommend using Shuraba’s PKP wicked weave combo to kill them because it does so in a single hit and also homes in on them. However, since this attack is a little slow, MAKE SURE to fire your gun beforehand every time you’re about to do it, or else you risk the combo ending before you get off that wicked weave. Run away a lot (while firing your guns) to avoid falling into their attack if you have to, and remember to reactivate Pulley’s Butterfly if it runs out, but fire your guns immediately before doing that to keep the combo from resetting. Also, make sure to keep taunting during the lulls in between waves of enemies.

Once the decorations are done with, go back to using the Kilgore combo on the angels. When they’re all dead, a Beloved will appear. If your combo hasn’t reset by now you’re pretty much home free at this point because this guy isn’t too tough. Spam the taunt button during the cutscene so that you taunt him immediately and make him turn red. This probably isn’t necessary but hey, more points is always good.

When fighting Beloved, it’s best to jump high up when comboing him, because this makes him less likely to use his punt which is faster than his other moves and thus slightly harder to see coming. From high up, his axe swing is ridiculously easy to dodge and a lot of the time won’t hit you even if you don’t do anything. His backhand blow is slightly harder to avoid but still has a big cue. And above all, remember to dodge when you see him reach around behind himself to grab you because this bypasses the butterflies you may or may not have. Also remember that you can do the Kilgore combo even airborne, and this is your best bet at killing him fast.

Again, the hardest part about this verse is keeping the combo going. As long as you didn’t break it you’ll get the pure platinum here.

Verse 5

This next verse is hidden. Make sure you don’t forget about it or you can forget about that pure platinum award! One time I got pure platinums in all the other verses but completely forgot about this one and then I was all oh you son of a bitch. So yeah. Don’t let it happen to you.

After raping that Beloved, return all the way back to the elevator. Once you get here you’ll have to fight a Glory and a Grace. Remember to have your butterflies activated! If you did things correctly in the previous verse, you should have full magic so this should be easy. Simply initiate a Kilgore combo on one of them as soon as they appear. Since they’re on steroids they won’t even blink at this and try to gang bang you. But before they do that, cancel into a torture combo. This should leave one of them almost dead, allowing you to finish it off by simply spamming the punch button as soon as the torture is over.

Repeat for the other one. Use another torture combo on him, then finish him off with Shuraba. The butterflies will prevent you from getting hit and if you pulled off both torture combos you’ll also meet the combo quota.

Verse 6

This one’s a freebie. Go past the courtyard and into the next room. Here you’ll fight two pussy angels. That’s it. Just do whatever you want, I don’t think it’s even possible to not get pure platinum in this one.

Verse 7

This verse is actually a flashback. Not that it matters to much. You’ll be fighting Fortitudo, but you don’t actually need to kill him. Just take him down by about a third and then he’ll run away like a pussy.

Now, don’t be stupid and run to the bridge with those other stupid witches. Rather, stay right where you are. If you stay here, all Fortitudo can do is throw fireballs at you. That’s right, that’s ALL he can do. And they’re easy peasy to dodge. So what I recommend doing here is alternating between shooting at him and whiffing the PKP combo so that the wicked weave part hits him. That’s all you have to do. Just shoot… wait for the fireball, dodge, PKP, dodge, shoot, dodge, PKP, dodge, shoot, and so forth. Never try doing two PKP combos without shooting in between or your combo will break. On the other hand, don’t be afraid to just shoot your guns twice or more in a row if you feel like you won’t be able to pull off a PKP combo after dodging a fireball.

But yeah, just keep doing this and eventually he’ll die and you’ll have gotten a pure platinum without much effort.

Verse 8

The last verse is broken up into two parts. Each where you’ll be fighting a Beloved. However, the first part is where you’ll be getting all of your combo points. Make your way towards the bridge. The Beloved will appear and start climbing up. As SOON as he appears, taunt to turn him red, then whiff a kilgore combo to get a few combo points off the kick part. Once that’s done, watch out because he’s about to sweep his arm across the bridge. Double jump up and shoot your guns to hang in the air and avoid it. If you single jump you might still get hit so make it a double. After the sweep, quickly do another taunt to turn him red again. Then jump again because he will stun you by slamming his hand down on the bridge, and a second time by breaking said bridge. Once that’s done though, his hand will be completely vulnerable. Quickly do a full Kilgore combo on it to get mad points, then jump up before he slams the bridge against the wall. A second combo after that will finish draining all his HP and cause him to throw you (your combo should be x9.9 at this point). Don’t worry about the combo breaking at this point, you’re done. Remember to press up and jump when prompted. I mean, it would suck if you got killed during that quick time event.

Anyway, now in this part I like to equip the Evil Harvest Rosary. That way I just have to dodge this guy’s attacks and he’ll die all by himself. Walk down the bridge and he’ll burst out from down under. Run back up to the platform and taunt him from up here. Shoot him or whatever until he gets up to you. He has low health. I assume because of how hard you kicked his ass just a few seconds ago. Anyway, he’ll slam his hands down on the ground one right after the other. It’s pretty easy to see coming and dodge, honestly. And if you have the Evil Harvest Rosary equipped like I said, he’ll take massive damage from all the magical counter attacks. Enough that he’ll be dead after dodging a mere 4 times. Ha! When the prompt comes up, just summon Gomorrah and that’ll be it for this chapter. Pure Platinum award! But ugh… I have to listen to Cereza every time I get one? Fucking hate that brat so much.

Watch my videos to see more or less how things should go.

Chapter 2

Verse 1

As soon as the chapter starts, you’re put in a flashback fight against Jeanne. She can be somewhat tough at first since she’s so fast and her wicked weaves come out with little warning. But if you exploit a few of her patterns it’s not so bad.

Remember that this is a flashback fight so you only have access to Scarborough Fair. You DO have access to whatever accessories you equipped prior to fight though. An oversight perhaps? Nah, I doubt it. Those platinum doggs just ain’t care.

I don’t like equipping the Evil Harvest Rosary for this fight. While it does easy damage whenever you dodge, it just doesn’t do as much as your normal attacks and sends Jeanne flying away, making you unable to follow up with anything. The main attack I recommend using here is the standard PKP wicked weave combo. It’s fast, easy and does excellent damage. The thing about Jeanne is that she’s able to just dodge or parry your attacks if you try to do any sort of long combo on her.

The first thing you should notice during this fight is that whenever you’re a reasonable distance away from Jeanne, she’ll hunker down and sweep the room from left to right with her gunshots. This is actually one of the best times to attack her. But you need to hit her while she’s still shooting. That means you have to get in on her FAST as soon as you see her start the move, because she ends it relatively fast. To do this, you have to try to be far enough from her that she starts the move, but not so far that you can’t get near in time. So you have to more or less learn what the sweet spot is, the minimum distance you can be from her where she’ll still initiate the move. But don’t worry, you don’t have to be super precise or anything. The very instant you see her start it, jump and dodge towards her and do the PKP combo. If you got to her while she’s still shooting, you will be able to connect the full attack with a low chance of her dodging it or parrying. However, for an even LOWER chance of getting parried, try to combo her from behind. That works better from what I’ve seen.

If you didn’t do it properly, chances are she’ll dodge mid-combo and try to counter attack, so stay on your toes and dodge right out of there. Also be wary because she’s liable to end her counter attack with a quick wicked weave.

Oh yeah, about that. Those wicked weaves are hell of fast. While sometimes there are slight cues before them, such as a quick red flash or Jeanne saying “Bam!”, sometimes it can be something as difficult to react to as a snap of her fingers. That’s why, while reaction is important, you also kind of need to get a certain feel for when she’s likely to wicked weave. You need to anticipate when she’s likely to do it so that once she does, it’s much easier to react because you were expecting it. Here are a few of the times she’s likely to wicked weave: 1) after you land a PKP combo on her and she gets blown away. Usually she’ll dodge backwards and then you’ll see the red sparks before the wicked weave. 2) at the end of combos. After doing a series of moves she’s very likely to end it with a wicked weave. 3) After dodging any of your attacks in general, a quick wicked weave counter is highly likely. 4) Just in general, when she’s walking around, if you hang around too close to her for her to initiate her gun attack, she will do a very quick wicked weave eventually. This one’s probably the hardest to react to, so try not to be in this situation too much.

Another thing to note. Whenever she launches up into the air, know that she WILL come down hard on you with a kick. So whenever you see her jump into the air, learn how long it takes her to come down with the kick (about a second), and dodge that. This is actually another great time for you to counter with a PKP combo because you’re pretty close to her and she’s just come out of an attack. But don’t be surprised if she parries you sometimes. Just be ready to dodge right out of there if she does.

Finally, if and when you see the prompt to clash with her by pressing triangle and circle at the same time, go for it! That’s free easy damage. Just remember, as soon as you initiate the clash, immediately prop the controller down on your lap and start hitting the button with your index finger. I’m usually NOT able to win the clash on Nonstop Climax by using my thumb, so this is important. Also make sure that you’re pressing the CORRECT button, please. If you see that the clash is with punches, you press the punch button, if you see that the clash is with kicks, you use the kick button. Simple. Also, after winning, don’t relax because there’s a chance that it’ll segue into a SECOND clash.

The time limit for this fight is surprisingly strict, so it’s not such a great idea to play it safe. You’ll need to take some calculated risks. For example. When Jeanne is simply walking around, try to initiate a combo on her. You’d be surprised, sometimes she’ll eat the whole thing! Other times she won’t though. It’s sort of random. But if she doesn’t, simply dodge out of there as necessary. It’s not super safe to do this, but if you use Pulley’s Butterfly it shouldn’t be too bad. Just don’t rely on the butterflies TOO much. You know how unreliable they can be. They’re just there as as safety net in case you fuck up. Other than that, you want to try to land your combo pretty much after every one of her whiffed attacks IF you’re in a good position to do so.

And that’s about it. Combo points are the least of your worries. I’ve actually never gotten less than platinum on that, so it’s a freebie on that end.

After the fight you’ll have access to the Witch Walk ability. So what are you waiting for? Jump onto the wall and walk along it to get to the next verse. Also, if you’re a first timer, remember that the first statue on the left side houses a broken witch heart. Just a reminder.

Verse 2

As you stroll along the wall a Dear and Decorations will come down, along with a couple common (arch)angels. Nothing fancy. This verse is pretty much a freebie as long as you don’t get hit. To deal with the Dear and Decorations I recommend using the Shuraba’s PKP wicked weave combo. The cool thing about this attack is that it homes in on them, is very strong, and attacks in a wide arc. That’s the main problem with these enemies, they’re always flying around and it’s annoying to hit them with normal attacks. But with this it’s not so bad. As for the common angels, you know the drill. Kilgore combo their ass off.

It’s worth mentioning that you need to be careful not to jump around too much. Remember that you’re witch walking. If you jump too much to the right, you’re liable to fall down and lose a chunk of health. And that would suck. So be careful.

After the fight, keep walking along the wall until you fall down at the other side of the chasm. Kick the door open and walk into Vigrid! Man I love this city. It’s so nice. I wouldn’t mind if the entire game took place here. And the music is pretty cool. But where were we? Oh right. Activate the turbo witch time statues and use them to break and go through the wall at the end of the alley. Now you’ll be in the Vigrid Streets. There’s a chest in the cool park to the right so open that if you want, as well as a broken witch heart on the ceiling near it. Or used to, but now there’s only a bullet because we’re on nonstop climax, right? Anyway. Keep walking past the big plaza until you get the cutscene with Luka. Once it ends you’ll get jumped.

Verse 3

This fight is pretty standard. Still, it can be a little tough since there’s a shitload of angels all trying to attack you at once. As soon as it starts they’ll all be practically right on top of you so jump away and get some distance where you can safely activate Pulley’s Butterfly. Once you do that, let them come to you. It’s not such a bad idea to ignore their first attack and let the butterflies eat it while you get off a big Kilgore combo to start things off. After that, though, it’s a good idea to play it somewhat safe. Just remember to keep your combo going by shooting when you’re not attacking and taunting in between waves of enemies. After a while a Beloved will appear, but turns out he’s a raging pussy and will run away after you get his HP down to half. There’s not much to say about this fight, it’s actually very similar to the one in the courtyard in the previous chapter. Just do the same things you did there.

After the fight go through the tunnel to the right. Be careful not to get roadkilled by the train, dumbass! Just kidding, that only happens if you were in panther mode and got there before it passed. Keep walking down the street and eventually the runaway train will come screaming down the tracks. Just jump over it, but after it crashes, get ready for the next fight!

Verse 4

You’ll be fighting a few Enchants here. Once the cool cutscene ends, SPAM the dodge button. These guys are cheap cunts and will try to hit you before you even know the fight’s started. What assholes. Other than this little quirk though, this fight is a complete and total joke. A single Kilgore combo can destroy all 3 of them in just a couple of seconds. Just make sure you do it when they’re not on fire. The fire indicates that they’re about to attack, just so you know. But really, this one is free. Just kill them normally and you’re bound to get the pure platinum.

Now, before we move on, turns out we have to do not one, but TWO Alfheims one right after the other. Yeah, I know, it’s ridiculous! But anyway. Backtrack to where the flaming doomtrain came from. The next Alfheim we’re doing is past the gate it broke. Go in.

Verse 5

Aight. In this Alfheim it turns out we only have 20 punches and 18 kicks, and with them we have to kill two Beloved! I take back what I said before, this doesn’t sound so bad. Remember that the game drains all your magic before this encounter so be careful! Still, these guys aren’t too bad. You already know how to fight them. Stay in the air and bait them into doing their terrible axe swing so you can hit them as they’re doing it. Even with two of them at the same time, the accuracy on this attack is just so awful.

About the limited punches and kicks, yeah. Guess what. The gangstas at Platinum never imagined we’d be exploiting their little Kilgore combo bug. They did NOT account for that. As it turns out, a single full airborne Kilgore bug combo will take off HALF a Beloved’s health. Pretty nasty if you ask me. So with this, bitches ain’t SHIT. Still, there are few problems that might arise. Maybe one of them actually did something smart for a change and you’re forced to dodge midcombo before you can get it off. That’s fine. The combo is so powerful that you can afford to lose quite a few punches and still win. You should be able to kill off at least ONE Beloved before your punches run out though, and hopefully hurt the other one. If your punches do run out, relax. There’s only one of them so it’s easy. Simply shoot him with single Kilgore rockets from a distance until he dies. The rockets actually take off a substantial amount of health and you should have plenty of kicks left over to do it.

As long as you win before the Alfheim’s time limit is up, you will get the platinum medal for time, so that’s easy. Combo points ain’t a problem either. Just kill them normally and you’re bound to get platinum on that too. The only real problem is not getting hit and even that isn’t TOO tough.

Moving on. Go back out to the city and to the train crash site. Before walking into the next plaza, look up at the arch above and jump onto it. This is the next Alfheim we gotta do. So get in there.

Verse 6

This Alfheim simply asks you to defeat all enemies. Pretty straightforward. But not as easy as the last one! The fight will start with two Dear and Decorations. This part’s pretty easy. Just make sure you dodge their mouth cannon, then use Shuraba’s PKP wicked weave on them. 2 or 3 of them will destroy them. By this point you probably have magic so this is a good point to activate Pulley’s Butterflies because now you’ll be fighting 5 Enchants and you know how cuntish these guys are. A lot of them will be propped down on the ground just firing lasers at you because they’re annoying like that. You probably want to kill these first. In fact, you might want to ignore their attacks now that you have the butterflies’ protection and just get them off your ass as soon as possible. Then deal with the other Enchants running around. Just remember to only hit them when they’re not on fire.

After that you’ll have to fight a SHITLOAD of angels. Applauds, Affinities, the ones with instruments, bows, all those bitches. You know how to deal with them, even if it’s not that easy since there are so god damn many. Make sure to keep butterflies on you at all times, let off full Kilgore combos when you can, and shoot in between to keep the combo from breaking.

Kill them normally and don’t use torture attacks. Sit on that magic,because the next wave of angels will have two Ardors and these guys are pretty tough when you don’t have witch time to help you. Not only are they really fast and combo a lot, but they easily parry your attacks a high percentage of the time. In fact these guys are so strong that the easiest way to deal with them is to make sure you have a full cadre of butterflies and then just do a full Kilgore combo on them while ignoring their attacks. Once you have one down to less than half HP, use a torture combo to finish it off easily. Then simply repeat for the other one and clean up.

After that you’re pretty much home free. Two Beloveds will show up but we already know how to deal with these guys. They’re not tough at all. As always, stay airborne to bait them into doing their terrible axe swings and do air Kilgore combos on them to kill them easily.

Now, as if this Alfheim wasn’t already pretty damn hard, know that the combo point quota is HUGE. That means that it’s very, very important that you do NOT break your combo at any point after killing the Enchants. Preferably you want to keep the combo going from that point all the way to the end. This is pretty hard to do, but just remember to ALWAYS be shooting your guns when you’re not actively attacking, and always shoot right before trying to reactivate butterflies. And when you’re not sure if there are currently enemies on the battlefield? Taunt until you are.

Just keep trying because this fight’s definitely the toughest one in the chapter.

Verse 7

Get out of the Alfheim and walk into the plaza to activate the next fight. This one’s easy. First you’ll fight a few Enchants. Get ready to dodge whenever you see that they’re on fire. When they’re not, trap them in a Kilgore combo to dispatch them easily. After they’re all dead the pussy Beloved from Verse 3 will show up again. This time he’s got a friend that he’ll call after you kick his ass some more. But this isn’t anything new at all! This is the THIRD time we’re up against two Beloved in this chapter! Again, you already know the drill here. Stay in the air, bait their axe swings, do air Kilgore combos on them, and be extra careful about not getting grabbed because that shit bypasses butterflies. But seriously, not very hard.

The only somewhat hard part about this is that the combo point quota is not free, so make sure that you don’t break the combo.

After this fight, guess what. We have to do a THIRD Alfheim. Yeah, I know, what the hell? But before that, there are two chests here, one on each side of the plaza so grab them if you feel like it. Anyway, the Alfheim’s waaaay back at the start of the level so backtrack all the way to the wall you broke to get into the streets of Vigrid.

Verse 8

Holy twelve pound four ounce baby jesus on a candlestick, this verse is probably the hardest one in this chapter. And we’re already tired from those other two Alfheims! You gotta endure though! Hang in there!

This Alfheim wants you to beat the enemies but also rack up 8 torture kills. Note that it has to be a torture KILL. If it don’t kill, it don’t count. So keep that in mind. Now, since you don’t actually want to kill the enemies until you’ve gotten 8 torture kills, you don’t want to go too crazy on the damage and combos. HOWEVER, you also want to get the combo points needed, which are a lot more than you might think. In fact, this is one of those fights where you don’t want to break your combo. What makes it tough though, is that there are not THAT many enemies and you also need to worry about filling that torture quota. So what you want to do in this fight is actually a lot of playing around with dodging and taunts (to build magic for those tortures) while at the same time making DAMN SURE that your combo doesn’t get reset through judicious abuse of your gun.

Of course this is easier said than done, especially since the big blue angels are motherfucking ASSHOLES and just love to deflect your gunshots long enough to break your combo. So fucking annoying, I swear to god. So if you’re going to off someone with a torture combo, make sure it’s a big guy and not a little guy.

Here’s what you want to do: the very first thing that you want to do, before ANYTHING else, is to build your magic but WITHOUT killing anybody. There just aren’t enough enemies to kill indiscriminately. So what you’re going to do is simply keep taunting and dodging until you fill up your magic to full. Remember, WITHOUT FIGHTING BACK. Try not to use Pulley’s Butterfly at this point since it saps your magic power and we need that. Once your magic is full, it’s time to start the combo and never let up. Hunt out the big blue guys and off them both with torture attacks one right after the other. Then go back to taunting and dodging to build magic BUT ALSO shooting your gun to keep the combo you’ve started from resetting. Keep using tortures to kill the little angels still on the field as you accrue enough magic to do it. Kill every single one with a torture. When you get to the point where there’s only one angel left, abuse taunts on it to build magic to full again, then kill him.

By this time you should have 6 tortures done! That’s leaves only 2 more and we’re only past the first wave. Now that the torture quota is just about done, go apeshit on this next wave. Just destroy their asses with combos, but also get off the final 2 tortures at some point. It should be hell of easy since you’ll be getting plenty of magic from all the combos you’ll be doing. Again, once there’s only one angel left, taunt the shit out of it until your magic is full in preparation for the next wave, which will have 2 Ardors in it. Once they arrive, get ready and let fly with some hard tortures on them to off them without much trouble. Remember that they each take 2 tortures to beat, so you’ll have to build up another big orb before killing the last one. At least it’s not two of them anymore though.

In this Alfheim the time limit is pretty lenient, but the combo point quota is pretty strict, so again, make EXTRA sure that your combo doesn’t break at any point.

After that fight, go back through all the places you’ve been back to the square where you fought the two Beloveds. Keep going past the old car that you may or may not have destroyed previously to the next area with the portal to the Gates of Hell. Keep going down the steps to the right of it to trigger the next verse!

Verse 9

What? What is this? Some kind of joke? You’re greeted by a single Joy, just like the first fight in the game. Just do whatever you want to her. Just run up to her, a single torture attack followed by a PPPPP Shuraba combo will make easy work of her and net you the pure platinum. Can anybody say free?

After owning her, the two statues back near the portal to the Gates of Hell will get repaired. There’s a chest here beside the bridge so loot it if you want. There’s also a bullet up on the balcony of the building here above the tree, or a broken witch heart if it’s your first time.

Go back to the newly repaired statues and activate them, then run back to the bridge and activate omega witch time so you have enough time to run through it. We’re just about done with the chapter. Run up to the church and kick the door open for the last verse. And GOD skip that cutscene I think it has Cereza in it. Urgh.

Verse 10

Bwaaaahahaha. Now this is what I call a free verse. It’s Fortitudo trying to be annoying again, but he ain’t shit. His moves are easily dodged because they tend to have large cues. Whenever he snaps his jaws that means he’s going to bite you, and when you see fire start to appear that means he’s about to throw a fireball at you. But guess what? None of this even matters because he gets RAPED by Kilgore combo. You can beat him in just a few seconds with it. Sure, eventually he brings in his second dragon head but if you continue pounding on him with Kilgore combos he’s likely to die before his second head can even do anything! Laughable. But in case you can’t kill him before that, don’t worry, his second head ain’t shit either. It works similar to the first one, when you see it snap its jaws that means it’s about to lunge for a bite, so dodge.

Either way, just smoke this bastard, and remember to stay on your toes to press square when you’re prompted to do so. You don’t want to blow it all here right?! That would suck and I would feel sorry for you. Just don’t let it happen. Then just follow the command to spin your stick around and we’re done!

Whew. Oh crap. Oh goodness. That was… a lot tougher than chapter I. I mean, really, three Alfheims? REALLY guys?

Chapter 3

Just kidding, this chapter has FOUR god damn Alfheims, count ’em, and 12 verses. Ffffffff. However, said Alfheims happen to not be that tough, so it balances out. Kind of. But yeah, we doin’ this!

Man I hate this chapter though because they razed the entire city. That city was awesome! I would live in it. Now it’s just an ugly blazing hell. Sigh. Anyway, you start back in my favorite square. AND IT’S ALL DESTROYED. Try to walk anywhere and you’ll activate the first verse, where some Harmonies will appear.

Verse 1

These guys aren’t too tough, just annoying, like all flying enemies. Instead of trying to do air combos on them I find it easier to stay on the ground and just use the PKP combo to make the homing wicked weave part hit them for big damage. This kills them fast and easy. The hardest part about this fight is getting the combo points you need, since the time limit is pretty lenient. An easy way to get the points is simply to kill them mainly with the gun and just do the PKP combo every once in a while whenever you get bored. But only every once in a while! You still want to be just shooting the majority of the time. Otherwise you might end up with gold. That ain’t good. As long as you keep shooting like a madman the combo won’t reset and you’ll get the pure platinum. Remember to dodge whenever you see them flash blue, that means they’re about to attack!

After that fight, go back up the steps towards the beginning of the level in the previous chapter and break the trash can there to reveal the first ultra sneaky Alfheim. We gotta do this, so get in! Don’t worry though, this one’s a freebie! There’s also a chest here so pick that up if you want some more Angel Attack ammunition or whatever.

Verse 2

Relax, this one’s easy peasy. You just gotta stay in the air for 30 seconds. That’s nothing! Now, remember that the time limit for the pure platinum medal is pretty strict, so you want to get this done from the first try. If you fall back on the ground you’re better off retrying the whole thing rather than trying again on the same run. Equip Kulshedra for this. As soon as the Alfheim starts, run up to the Dear (be careful because he likes to start by shooting his mouth cannon) and jump on him. Only jump once. When you’re in the air just spam Kulshedra’s attack to hit him and bunch and stay in the air a long time. Once you see that you’ve fallen too much, simply jump on him again and repeat. Use your double jump if you have to (that’s why you only want to single jump on him before you start using Kulshedra). After a while the Dear will inevitably die by more will come to replace him. The bad news is they won’t be close to you, but that’s what the double jump you’ve got stored is for. Use it to get close to a new Dear, jump on him, and repeat the strategy until 30 seconds have passed.

See, that wasn’t so tough now was it? You’ll get the necessary combo points just from hitting the enemies normally with Kulshedra. Other than that, the only problem is the time limit, but like I said, it’s fine as long as you get it done on the first try.

Anyway, get out of there and let’s move on. Head through the tunnel towards the part where the train crashed on the previous chapter. When you here, the next verse will be activated!

Verse 3

Some magma will come after you and you gotta run down the street past two Beloveds to safety! But not so fast, this is a verse, and because of that there are some requirements. Most notably, a very low combo point requirement. But don’t worry, it’s tiny. What I recommend doing is using Panther mode to outrun the lava, and getting off a Kilgore combo on the second Beloved that you pass by real quick. That should be enough to get the pure platinum. Then simply hightail it outta there to end this verse. Just be careful because these Beloveds are cunts and have a jumping move that is surprisingly accurate. You might want to just activate Pulley’s Butterfly beforehand so you don’t have to worry about it. See, that was pretty free!

You’re now in the next plaza. As you go further down it you’ll activate the next verse and it’s yet another freebie!

Verse 4

A single Fairness? That’s IT? Ha, I’m kidding, it has to be like this since this is one of those “meet a new enemy” segments. ‘cept not so new for us right? Yeah. Anyway this guy ain’t too tough. Make sure you dodge as soon as the fight starts because that cheater lobs a fireball at you during the cutscene! Henyways, something I like to do here is just goad him from a long distance away. He’ll throw a few fireballs at you (they’re fast, but the cue is that he assumes a unique position before spitting it out, so watch for that), then eventually he’ll get pissed off and rush right at you. Get out of the way and he’ll smack his face on the wall, which will give him huge dizzy! Now unload with a hard Kilgore combo followed by a torture attack to send his ass back to hell. Wait. Err. Heaven. Whatever. You’ll get the pure platinum easy. If you don’t want to waste even one magic bar you can simply wait for him to smack his face on a wall a second time and finish him off with another Kilgore combo. That works too, and it doesn’t even matter if you break the combo in between, you’ll still get pure platinum!

After the fight, grab both chests on either side of the plaza if you want to, then walk to the next area with the portal to the Gates of Hell. The next Alfheim is down the steps to the right towards the now decimated church. Don’t try to fly over to the church, it ain’t work. Just jump up onto the balcony where you found a broken witch heart during the previous chapter. The Alfheim is here. Let’s go in!

Verse 5

Don’t worry, this one ain’t too tough. All you have to do is kill all the enemies with angel arms. Good thing for us angel arms are SICK. The angel bow especially is basically like the messiah. That’s pretty much all you’ll want to use here. It’s ultra strong and gives hell of combo points. So run to the right immediately and grab that. Once you have it, simply get some distance between you and your enemies and start letting those arrows fly. Remember that it takes a long time to fire the first shot, but once you do, the rest are fast as long as you keep shooting. When the bow runs out simply go grab it again, it respawns instantly.

Don’t worry too much about keeping your combo going. Just kill everything normally with the bow and that should be enough. After dealing with a couple mobs you’ll face a Glory and Grace. Since they’re pretty fast and dangerous and you’ve built up quite a bit of magic up by now, it’s a pretty good idea to activate Pulley’s Butterfly at this point. Then you can shoot them up without worrying as much. Just do it the same way, get some distance so you can cock your gat, etc. Just be careful because these dudes are WAY faster than other angels.

After you take care of those two you’ll be up against a Beloved. Now this one is just cake. Dude is big, fat and slow. Just grab the bow again, get some distance and fire as much as possible before he gets near you. Then repeat. Eaaasy. No seriously, this one’s hell of free.

Anyway get outta there and go back to the two statues. Careful with the cheap fireballs being lobbed from the sky. Activate ultra witch time with the statues to get past the firespout. Be careful, make sure the fire is completely out before crossing, otherwise you might get hit. Not that it matters too much, I think, since we’re not in a verse? Who knows. I’m too lazy to find out if it makes a difference. Anyway, keep strollin’ along until you get the cutscene that leaves you up on a wall. Walk forward a little to trigger the next fight (not the next verse because guess what, the verse is already triggered!)

Verse 6

Ok this part is tough. You’re up against THREE Ardors here, and these guys are really annoying because they parry all of your attacks unless you hit them from behind. But usually the only way to reliably hit them from behind is to first dodge their two hits, and THEN get behind them to start your combo. But how are you going to do that when there are TWO OTHERS swinging their swords around like axe murderers? ‘s ridankalus. Welp. The answer is simple. Use the Evil Harvest Rosary! This thing is a life saver for this. Equip that bitch and get into the fight. Since you have full magic you might want to start by offing one of the Ardors with 2 torture combos. Then concentrate on the other two. Wait for them to attack and dodge. The Evil Harvest Rosary, or EHR as we call it around the office, will completely fuck their shit up. But by far the most awesome thing about this is that it’s liable to leave them stunned! Giving you the perfect chance to get behind one and let fly with a hard kilgore combo or whatever you want. See, it’s much more doable with the EHR isn’t it? Don’t worry too much about keeping your combo from getting reset, it’ll be fine. Just kill them normally.

Try not to jump around recklessly too much in this fight or you might accidentally fall into the lava. And that would suck balls. But anyway, once you’re dealt with those Ardors don’t relax just yet, ’cause the verse ain’t over! Keep running along the wall, along the debris to the opposite wall, on the wrecked train back to the other wall, and just keep going forward. Eventually the magma will start overflooding, but we’re almost out, just walk along the train and along the tower all the way to the end. It’ll fall off so please make sure you press that god damn button or you’ll forfeit the entire thing. Jesus. And don’t even THINK about trying to spam it before the prompt appears, you’ll just die. Wait until it’s fully appeared before pressing it.

That’s it for the verse, now you’ll be in a big square with a fountain. Looks like a place that would be pretty awesome. If it wasn’t on FIRE. Walk towards the fountain to trigger the next verse.

Verse 7

Here you’ll be fighting two Fairnesses. This is quite a bit tougher than the other verse where you fought one. For one thing there basically are no walls where they can smack into. And just in general if you tried to combo one the other’d just bite your tits off when you’re not looking. The interesting thing, though, is that for some reason they’re surprisingly docile when they’re together! If you keep about a mid distance from them, they will just slowly approach you! What a joke. So what you can do is simply shoot the fuck out of them while walking backwards and keeping your distance. They won’t even do anything about it. So just keep shooting one until his health is down to half. Once it is, finish him off with a torture. Now you’ll only have one left to deal with. But hey, guess what. Now that his buddy’s gone, he’ll actually start doing something! He works similar to the last fight. You know the drill, watch for his cue that he’s about to throw a fireball and dodge. When you see him screech dodge a BUNCH, because if that shit stuns you you’re very likely to get hit. But other than that just keep shooting him, maybe hit him a little if you’re feeling brave, just remember that he’ll swipe you if you’re close, so stay on your toes. If he does rush you and manages to smack against something, well, you’ve got it made.

Try to keep shooting him the entire time so your combo doesn’t end. But concentrate more on dodging his incoming attacks. Shooting has a way of distracting you. I know. As long as you didn’t break your combo you should get the pure platinum.

After that fight you’ll get a weird cutscene that to this day I don’t know what’s really happening in it. I mean why’s she shooting? And how does that dissipate the fire? But who cares. Just mash that square button to get the max bonus.

Now you’ll be in the cave. There’s a chest out back behind you if you wanna grab it. ‘s up to you. Keep moving forward though and you’ll activate the next verse.

Verse 8

This one isn’t complicated just your standard Grace and Glory to deal with. Nothing special, move along now. Activate Pulley’s Butterfly and rape them with some hard Kilgore combos as usual. The only thing you gotta be careful about is not to step on the magma. But you already knew that right?

Anyway, keep moving along the cavern, making sure you don’t step on the lava. When you get to the part with the flamespouts just take it easy and dodge through them when they’re not firing. You’ll get to the catacombs now. Ok, walk right down the plank and to the huge bridge. When you try to cross it, it’ll crumble, naturally. Backtrack to the big portal nearby to activate the next verse.

Verse 9

Three Braves will appear here. Now this one is easy street USA. When the first one appears, simply jump a little and start an airborne Kilgore combo on him. His axe swing will miss you completely. A full Kilgore combo will murder him! Before the next one even spawns! When he does, simply do the same thing on him to kill that one before the third appears. And then simply repeat it for the third for an easy pure platinum. No sweat!

When that’s taken care of, the portal to Paradiso will activate. Walk through it. You’ll now be in a FAR nicer place than where you came from. From where you appear, run to the far island on the right to find the next Alfheim. Don’t worry, you can walk on the water. Weird huh? I know. Let’s go in though.

Verse 10

This Alfheim simply demands that you defeat all enemies within the time limit. Simple. Straightforward. Buuuut harder than the other ones.

The first enemy that appears is a single Brave. Kill him with a single combo the way you did in the previous verse. When he dies, a Glory and Grace pair will appear. You already know how to deal with these too. Since they’re quite a bit more dangerous you might want to play it safe for a bit and dodge a little to build your magic so you can activate Pulley’s Butterfly before really fighting back. When they’re dead, a second Brave will appear. Murder him as usual. Do these guys seriously think they’re a threat?

Next you’ll be facing two Ardors. They’re nothing special either. Make sure you have Evil Harvest Rosary equipped. Dodge their slashes so that the magical counterattack stuns them. Once they are, get behind them and unleash a full Kilgore combo on them for big damage! Just keep doing this until they both die. There’s no need to even use torture attacks! When they’re dead a third Brave will appear. Snore. Kill it already!

Now finally you’ll fight a Fairness and a Fearless. Since by this time you’ve built up a full magic meter, simply kill the Fearless with two torture combos. Then you’ll only have to deal with the Fairness, which you already know how to. You know the deal. Watch his cues to dodge his fireballs, dodge a whole bunch if you see him screech, and hope that he rushes at you and smacks his face against the wall. Keep shooting him the entire time to make sure the combo doesn’t get reset.

So yeah, harder than the last two but still not too bad. Anyway, get back out to the Garden of Light. Activate ultima witch time with the two statues and jump on the waterspouts up to the hourglass. Just so you know, there are THREE angel attack bullets in this place. One is in the water behind the big floating island, the other one is to the right of the hourglass where the broken witch heart used to be, and the third is on the two small floating islands near that one. There’s even a crow behind the hourglass (if you’re in nonstop climax). Not that we care, but just sayin’.

But whatever. Pull the lever and grab that hourglass. Take it back to the catacombs and use it to repair the bridge. Don’t cross it just yet though, we still gotta do the fourth Alfheim in this chapter. Yeah, I know, this is starting to get ridiculous. I think this is the only chapter with 4 Alfheims though. I think. Anyway, hang in there man. I’m with you. Backtrack up the plank and into the flame cavern you originally came from. The Alfheim is back out here. Interestingly the flame spouts stopped working. What’s up with that? And furthermore, if you step on the crack with fire in it… an umbra circle appears beneath your feet. The fuck is that? I don’t even.

Verse 11

Ok, for this Alfheim you have to kill all the enemies but the only way to damage with is with wicked weaves. Annoying. Whatever. What I recommend doing is equipping Shuraba, getting some good distance between you and the enemies, and then doing the PKP combo. Make sure you whiff the first two hits so that only the final wicked weave part of the combo hits them. This is the best way to deal with this Alfheim as far as I’m aware. The Shuraba wicked weave is good, can hit multiple enemies, and is strong. Just remember to whiff those first two hits or else you’re in for some pain.

You’ll be fighting a gaggle of common angels and two Ardors. It’s a bit hard at first since there are so many but it gets increasingly easier to handle as you kill more. Also the Ardors get stunned by repeated wicked weaves to the face, so once they’re stunned, it gets a lot easier to keep doing it repeatedly until they die.

Once they’re all dead though, you’ll face TWO Fairness and a Fearless. And you can’t even use tortures! Jesus. Still, it’s not necessarily as bad as you might think. Since the Fairness are with their buddy, they’re not nearly as aggressive as they’d normally be. This means you only have to worry about the Fearless’s attacks as you continue to use the Shuraba’s PKP combo. Also, since we can’t use torture attacks and we’ve built up a good reserve of magic by now, we can just waste it all on Pulley’s Butterfly, which makes this a lot easier. Just keep doing what you’ve done up to this point. Get some distance, do PKP, repeat until they all die. Like I said, it’s somewhat annoying, but not too bad overall. You shouldn’t have to worry about time or the combo. As long as you don’t get hit you’ve got that pure platinum.

Moving on. We’re just about done! Cross the bridge you repaired and it’ll collapse once again. No big deal. Don’t advance just yet though, because we need to do the final verse. Go back to the bridge and stand on it for a while until some Harmonies appear.

Verse 12

This is similar to the first verse in this chapter, the only difference being that there’s not as many of them. Guess what though, this verse is completely and utterly free. Why? Well, there are three of them… and you have a full 3 magic orbs from doing the previous Alfheim… and there is absolutely no reason to save them. Get it? Unleash a torture attack on each one of the Harmonies to pure platinum this verse with no skill required. The time limit is pretty strict but as long as you do the tortures one right after the other without waiting it shouldn’t be a problem.

Anyway, that was the last verse. Now all we need to do is finish this damn chapter! Run along the next bridge and make sure to press jump when prompted as the thing falls. Make your way along the rocky path and up the mountain. Careful with the fireballs getting lobbed at you. The place they’ll strike is pretty clearly marked though so it’s not very hard. Keep jumping up the mountain until you get up to the tunnel. There’s a chest over to the left in case you want it. But go into that tunnel. Walk up the wall with witch walk, making sure not to step on the fire. That hurts you. Rocks will come down from above but don’t worry about ’em. Don’t try to steer past them, rather dodge THROUGH them. That’s easier. Keep going up until you’re back on the surface. There’s yet another chest to the left when you get to a fork here with what used to be a broken witch heart. Grab it if you feel like it and then keep moving towards the coliseum until you get there. Chapter complete!

Whew, geez. This one was a long one. But not really as tough as the last one.

Chapter 4

Since this entire chapter consists of fighting Fortitudo, it’s ridiculously easy to Pure Platinum. Well! We were in for a break from all that hard stuff don’t you think? That’s pretty much how Bayonetta works. Bosses are long and amazing, but deep down very easy. I guess you could say it’s kind of disappointing, and you’d be right, but we’ve been workin’ so hard, let’s just treat it as a picnic yeah?

Verse 1

There’s only one verse, and that’s the entire fight. Like I said before this chapter is really easy, so let’s get it on and get this fool caught up in a one-eight-seven.

You’ll start the fight standing up on a thin arch. The move Fortitudo likes to do most here is his fast bite. You don’t want to get caught in that! Look for the sound he makes as the tell tale sign that he’s about to bite. It’s fast, but becomes pretty easy to dodge as you get used to it, especially when you realize that he does it ALL the time over and over, so you can kind of get into a rhythm where you know when he will bite long before he actually does.

You can try to punch him a bit in between bites but this isn’t necessary and is sort of risky since the sounds and effects Bayonetta makes may distract you from Fortitudo’s cues. It’s up to you though. If you’re feeling brave, go for it. What I like to do is equip the Evil Harvest Rosary so that he gets damaged simply from dodging his attacks.

He also likes to throw fireballs at you. When you see his mouths light up, that means a fireball is coming so get ready to dodge. Remember that he throws two of them one right after the other, so make sure you dodge twice in a row, or just spam the dodge button after dodging the first time. Either way works.

Another thing he does every now and then is turn around a sweep the whole arch with his tail. Simply wait for the tail to be close to you before dodging. The window where you can dodge is pretty huge so it’s no biggie. The nice thing about this move though, is that it has quite a bit of recovery, so you can actually get off a Kilgore combo after dodging for a little bit of damage before he resumes attacking.

Finally, very, very rarely he will bite the arch and just stay there for a bit. You can use this time to lay the SMACK down with some hard Kilgore combos. Just be careful because if you stay there for too long the arch will crumble and you will mysteriously take damage!

Make sure that you don’t jump during this part, or you might fall down and that just makes everything harder as you have to scramble to get back up while dodging his attacks without much visibility. As long as you don’t jump or get caught by his bite you shouldn’t fall. Just keep dodging his bites and damaging him with magical counterattacks and some combos whenever the coast is clear. Eventually his heads will get dizzy and fall down. As SOON as you see this happen, jump down beside it. You will get the prompt to start a torture combo. Don’t take it. Instead, skullfuck his dizzied head with two Kilgore combos one right after the other. This does an INSANE amount of damage to him and gives you mad points. Far more than you would get from the torture. If you did it right he should be crying now and running away like a little pussy. He’ll fly up and perch himself on the coliseum wall. While he’s doing this, get over to the center of the arena where the hourglass is. Wait a bit, and eventually rocks will shoot up and witch time will activate.

You’ll get the prompt to jump. As you know, you have to jump on the rocks towards him. Don’t just hit the jump button, rather move towards where you want to jump before pressing it. It doesn’t really matter though, as long as you’re facing in the general direction of Fortitudo you’ll get there. Once you do, the prompt for the torture combo will appear. Take it this time. It won’t do much damage at all because we’ve already raped him way too hard, but you’ll still get combo points from it so mash that button as fast as you can. After three mashing sequences you’ll rip one of his heads off. He’ll cry a little moar and while he’s doing that, run to the hourglass, activate it to repair the arch and start the process again, except now he only has one head. But it works the same way, so do exactly the same thing until you rip off his second head.

If at some point you fail to do enough damage when he’s on the ground, or he breaks the arch and you fall off for some reason, you’ll have to fight him on the ground. It’s not too bad. Just try to keep some distance from him, watch out for his fireballs and bites in the same way you would if you were up on the arch. Sometimes when he bites his head will get stuck on the floor for a while so keep your eyes peeled for that, and when it happens make sure you’re there to punish that punkass bitch with some hard Kilgore combos. He also has a powerful lava spewing attack here so again, keep a healthy distance. Panther away if you have to.

Anyway, like I said, eventually you’ll rip out his second head, and this starts the second phase of the fight. You’ll be up in the air on a slab of concrete or whatever, and he’ll be flying around. As soon as it starts, watch out because he will start by ramming into you. When you hear him scream and see him coming at you, dodge. At this point he’ll be flying near your slab of rock, so very quickly run up to him and start annihilating him with Kilgore combos. He will stand there for a few seconds taking it, but eventually he’ll initiate his spike attack. This is his most dangerous attack so PAY ATTENTION! It doesn’t matter if you’re in the middle of a combo, know and expect that he will use that spike attack. Watch the floor and when you see a light come up, quickly dodge the spike that comes out of the floor. Two more will come up after that so you need to dodge three times total. Once you’ve dodged the third one, immediately go back to using the Kilgore combo on him. This does so much damage that it’s possible to end the fight right here if you’ve been doing it right. He has two options though. He may either use his stupid mouth light cannon (in which case you’ve already won because that gives you enough time to deplete the last of his HP), or he might run away.

If he does run away, he might then do one of two things. Either change sides and then do his usual shit, or land on your little island. Watch the center. If you see a circle of fire form, that means he’s about to land on it, so get away. Once he’s on your island though, he actually doesn’t do a whole hell of a lot! So it’s pretty safe to just jump and hit him with some combos. He doesn’t stay there for too long though.

But anyway, just keep doing that, watching out for his dangerous spike attack and eventually you’ll take off all his health. When that happens he will wait a few seconds, then spin around to hit you with his tail. The climax prompt will appear, so take it to finish the fight!

As long as you’re doing what I told you and using the Kilgore combo you do not have to worry about keeping your combo going or anything like that. You’ll get more than enough to get platinum there. Same deal with the time limit. You’ll be doing so much damage with that that time is no problem at all! That leaves damage, which ends up being the biggest concern, but still nothing too hard. As long as you don’t get hit, it’s Pure Platinum for sure.

Chapter 5

“I hope I got frequent flyer miles for that flight?” Uggghhh, Bayonetta shut the fuck up please. Is there ANYTHING about this character that doesn’t piss me off? Probably not. But moving on.

Walk down the path from where you start. The floor will start crumbling away in front of you, so jump past the holes that show up. By the end an entire segment of the path will fall off with you on it so double jump to safety. When you get to solid ground, the first verse will activate.

Verse 1

This is pretty standard. Just our old pals Glory and Grace. We’ve already fought these guys a million times so just destroy them! Something I like to do is begin a Kilgore combo as they’re spawning so that the kick part activates as they appear and catches them before they can even say what up. Sometimes they’ll parry you mid-combo, so if that happens, as soon as you see it, dodge because they WILL counterattack. Another thing is that I like having the Evil Harvest Rosary equipped, and when they do try that, they get a magical counterattack to the face, which makes them spin around and expose their back, giving you the perfect opportunity to unleash another Kilgore combo. But either way, you know how we do it. Torture combos are optional. In fact, might want to save ’em for the next verse, it’s up to you though.

After the fight, keep walking towards the Umbran Training Grounds. Head up the stairs to the left but before you can do that, you get jumped by yet another cadre of G&Gs in a cool and vaguely familiar cutscene.

Verse 2

Spam the dodge button as the cutscene’s about to end because these fools ain’t playin’ fair and will try to smack you before you even know the fight’s started. Just fight them the same way you did in the previous verse. Like I said, equip the Evil Harvest Rosary so that they get hit when they try to parry you. It’s also probably a good idea to activate Pulley’s Butterfly for this to be safe since you’ll be fighting five of them. But anyway it’s not a big deal, just use a bunch of Kilgore combos on them as usual. You don’t even have to be near them to start the combo. Even if you whiff the first few hits, they’ll quickly come over to you and probably get hit by the rest. You can also use torture attacks if you want since the next verse is an Alfheim and will sap your entire magic.

But whatever. After that fight backtrack to the start of the level. The Alfheim I previously mentioned has appeared here. Get in there already!

Verse 3

Defeat the enemies during witch time? Aaahahaha, what a joke. The whole game becomes a joke when you have witch time basically. Now remember to unequip the Evil Harvest Rosary if you have it on you, or else you won’t be able to damage the enemies. But whatever, this is really hilarious, just approach the enemies, wait for them to hit you so you can enter witch time, and then fuck their shit up with a Kilgore combo. You don’t even have to worry about them parrying or ANYTHING. Like I said, joke Alfheim. First you face 3 Ardors. They’re ridiculously easy and predictable with those sword swings so they shouldn’t pose a problem.

Then you face two Fairness and a Fearless. Again, not a problem. As usual, remember that the Fairness are fairly docile when they’re in pairs so you might want to go for the Fearless first. An easy way to activate witch time with these puppies is to jump at them to bait a jumping bite attack and dodge. Doesn’t really matter how you activate witch time though. If you want to kill one in a single instance of witch time, start a Kilgore combo and wait until his health is close to half, then cancel it by activating a torture combo. You need to start the combo fast though, or else you won’t have time. After the Fearless is dead, deal with the two Fairness. Remember that after killing one of them, the other will start using more bullshit including fireball and their gay screech so watch out.

Blah blah whatever. Once they’re done you’ll be facing 3 Joys. Normally I’d tell you to shit your pants but not today! We got witch time up in heah so they’re not much of a threat. Their attacks are harder to see coming than other enemies in general though so if you don’t wanna risk anything, now’s a good time to activate Pulley’s Butterfly.

You don’t have to worry about your combo points at all in this. The sick multiplier witch time gives you is more than enough.

After the fight, go back to where you fought the G&Gs and go up the stairs to the left to activate verse 4.

Verse 4

Nothing too special about this verse aside from the fact that it’s 3 fights. As you go up the stairs a few common angels will appear. Dispatch them as usual with some Kilgore combos, and do try to keep your combo going until the last one is dead. The only thing you have to watch out for is that some parts of the floor fall off. You can jump and fall off to your death but you don’t have to worry as long as you don’t jump. Don’t use torture attacks, let’s save them for the next fight.

Keep going (remember that the verse is still not done) until you get the cutscene with Luka. For the people playing on Normal this is the first time they fight a Fearless! For the rest of us, it’s Tuesday. Just so you know, he comes with a Fairness but it’s no big deal. Since you can’t use witch time, an interesting thing to keep in mind is that sometimes when you see Fearless raise his tail, you can actually go up to him and wail on him with a Kilgore combo and he won’t have time to lower the tail and counter attack if you were fast! If he does lower the tail, just watch out for that and dodge. Either way that’s a good way to deal damage to him relatively safely. Just watch out for the Fairness. If you can take him off camera, do so because it will make him unable to attack until he gets on screen. But whatever. You can also finish them off with a torture combo once they are down to half HP, but leave some magic for later on.

Once those two are dead, the verse is still not over! Keep walking forward to activate another fight with some common angels. Be careful because there are 3 trumpet angels further down that will try to shoot you while you’re dealing with the ones closest to you. Just keep your ears open and when you hear the telltale trumpet sound, get outta there! If you did well enough on the previous fights you can actually just skip this fight if you want. Just ignore the angels and jump to the island with the trumpeters. When you land on it, the entire section will fall off, so jump over to the next one to safety and end the verse. If you don’t think you got enough combo points in the previous fights, go ahead and earn some on these angels before moving on since they are pretty easy in the main.

Anyway, turn the contraption on the left side to activate the umbran… eye of the needle…moon…thingy. Whatever! It’ll turn into night and you can walk up it. Jump into it to activate the next verse.

Verse 5

You’ll be hurtling down like a comet to the next island. There are some Dears and Decorations around here so try to manuever yourself so you smash through all of them and get some points. Don’t sweat it though, the real fight starts after you crash land on the next island.

As soon as you crash here you’ll be facing 3 Joys! Oh god help us! These are some of the hardest enemies in the entire game. In fact, this is probably the hardest verse in the chapter. I hate it. Like I said in the previous verse, you should have some magic left over so as soon as the fight starts activate Pulley’s Butterfly for safety. As I’ve also said before these hoes have got some of the hardest attacks to see coming. Here’s the deal though.

Run up to them and they will GENERALLY attack you as soon as you’re in range, so expect this and dodge. When you do, that’s a good time to counter attack but keep in mind that if you try to do a Kilgore combo on them, they WILL parry you before you can even get started. But here’s the trick: get BEHIND them. If you dodge and then manuever around and hit them in the back, you can get off the full combo without fear of getting parry’d. The only thing Joy can do in that situation is try to dodge but if she does, just keep going and finish the combo, chances are good that she’ll get caught in it after she comes out of dodge.

Here’s the interesting thing though. For these enemies, the Kilgore combo might not be the best one to use! Instead, use the PPPKK combo on them. This seems to have much more success. For one thing, they are much less likely to parry it, and the kicks also knock them right off their feet! When doing those sweeps, keep the button pressed to make Durga’s bomb go off for massive damage on them! This works great, plus it has massive blast radius so sometimes even if they dodge it’ll still hit them. Just don’t try it if they have the whip equipped or you’re getting dominated. That shit’s got supreme range.

Another good time to attack them is right when they initiate their gay move where they summon a bunch of flying feather thingies to home in on you. If you see her start this, immediately combo her to both stop it and get some good damage in.

Another thing to note is that if you see them dodging a BUNCH, know that right after their final big dodge they WILL attack, so that’s a good opportunity to dodge and then get some offense going because you can anticipate it.

Try to fight them ONE AT A TIME. If you have two or more trying to gang up on you at once just get the fuck outta there and try to create a better situation! Remember that as long as they are off camera they will NOT attack you (unless the game is all like ENOUGH O’ DIS), so use that to your advantage!

Joys have low health and defense so that’s also another advantage you have. A torture combo will take off 3/4s of their HP, which is a lot. You can use tortures, and they are effective, but I will now tell you the true secret to this verse: SAVE YOUR MAGIC. You can use one torture TOPS, but even that you might want to not do it. Why? Because getting the combo points for the pure platinum in this verse is not easy and Joys are not a very good enemy to build combo points with since they’re so god damn dangerous. You want to save that magic so that you can rack up the combo points in the next fight.

Finally, remember that they have access to many weapons. Their regular form where they only have punches and kicks isn’t too bad. This is the form you want to fight in general. When they have that bigass sword they’re a little more dangerous. They love to do a launcher followed by a helm breaker. If you manage to dodge the launcher, they will stay in the air for about 2 seconds before coming back down. Don’t assume that just because you walked under them that it will miss you! They have the power to change their direction in midair and hit you no matter where you run, so instead, wait for them to come down and dodge again, then start a combo on their ass.

The whip. God, the whip. This one is the most dangerous shit. It’s so god damn fast and has deceptive range. Don’t assume you can react to this bullshit! You can’t! Or maybe I just have shitty reactions… Either way, your best bet is to anticipate the attacks and dodge. Just in general remember that they will attack if you’re in range so that will give you the anticipation you need to dodge their ultra fast whip.

Also in general, when you dodge, you want to dodge TOWARDS them to get behind them and start a combo during their recovery frames. So when dodging keep the stick pressed towards them. If you dodge normally or in any other direction you won’t have enough time to run up to them and counter attack.

Keep these things in mind and rape them as hard as you can! Remember, the worst possible thing that can happen is to be dealing with 2 of them at once! Oh and one last thing. Don’t leave them alone for too long or you’ll have to deal with their bullshit asexual reproduction!

If you’re having trouble with them, here’s an interesting trick to try: As soon as the fight starts swing the camera around so they’re all off camera. Activate Pulley’s Butterfly, switch to Shuraba and charge its attack. Then just wait until they walk over to you. As SOON as you see them poke their head on camera, unleash the attack to take off half of one’s HP, then run up to it and use a torture to finish it off. Now you’ve taken care of one for free and it’s gotten that much easier! But keep in mind that you do not want to use more than a single torture in this fight.

Ok, ok, I’ve already rambled on for long enough but I can’t stress enough how flame Durga on feet using PPPKK is basically the messiah here. So abuse those devil bombs and show ’em how we do it in the ghetto!

Once the Joys are taken care of we are outta tha woods. Three Harmonies will appear all dramatic-like but they ain’t SHIT. However! Keep in mind that if you’re using stuff like Durga bombs and Shuraba charge batou jutsu to kill the Joys, you most likely don’t have the combo points you need at this point, That’s why these three Harmonies are so important. Spam dodge while the cutscene is going because they rush you before you can gain control. Then chase them right down and kill one with a torture combo. Now what you want to do at this point is actually use the chainsaw it gives you since it gives so many points! Of course the chainsaw has awful accuracy and these guys are slippery as a fish. Keep shooting so your combo doesn’t break. When one of them is in range taunt it. This will cause it to fall down on the ground, giving you the perfect opportunity to get some good hits in with the chainsaw. Just get a couple though to build up some magic and combo points, and torture combo it before it dies to get the max possible amount of points. Then simply repeat it for the last one. If you did it right you should get the points needed for pure platinum which I BELIEVE is slightly higher than 3000. Give or take.

There’s a chest by the stairs if you want it. Run up said stairs and be careful with the tornado thingies. They’re annoying as hell, just jump and air dodge forward a lot when they’re close to you. Get up to the portal to the Gates of Hell and they won’t bother you anymore. There’s another chest down to the left in case you want it.

Anyway, keep going up the stairs to the door. You already know how to open this door right? Jump up onto those ledges above and then jump down hard on the purple button. Go in, and we’re now inside Jormungandr’s Staff. Lots of rats in here. I dunno about you but in the grand scheme of the universe rats are basically some of the most disgusting animals and better off extinct. Like jews. OHHHH SNAP NO YOU DI’N’T!

All kidding aside, walk up the spiral stairs until you trigger the next verse.

Verse 6

Holy crappola I love these enemy introduction cutscenes. So badass with the angelic choir and the name on the book of laguna followed by the bell toll all DONG. I will never skip them. Anyway, the one getting introduced here is Ardor. ‘cept we’ve killed ARMIES of these bitches by now so we’re not really shaking in our boots or anything. Before the fight, equip the Evil Harvest Rosary to make things easier. You already know how to deal with these guys. The only way to avoid them parrying your attack is to hit them from behind, but you can’t do that while there’s another one trying to hit you. So what you want to do is just keep dodging their sword swings and eventually the magical explosions from the Evil Harvest Rosary will get them stunned. That’s when you get behind them and unleash a full Kilgore combo and ram it up their ass.

The combo points needed is a bit of a problem here. If you break your combo or rely too much on the EHR you won’t hit the mark so it’s in your interest to use torture combos here ONLY for the points. So what you want to do is use a torture when the Ardor is JUST a few HP from dying. That should give you enough for the pure platinum.

Killing these guys made the moon…umm…magical I guess? Now you can witch walk up Jormungandr’s shaft. Be careful with the flaming runes! Don’t step on them or you’ll take damage. Same deal with the crumbling stairs, jump up when they fall off to avoid damage. Keep walking up the shaft to trigger the next verse.

Verse 7

Here you’ll be fighting a cadre of Harmonies. They’re not tough, the tough part is hitting the combo point target. So first of all unequip the Evil Harvest Rosary. That thing does way too much damage and gives you like no points. What you want to do is use a combination of Shuraba’s PKP combo to hit them with the wicked weave part and shooting your gun a lot in between to keep the combo from getting reset. If you have magic left over, use torture combos. You’re going to lose it all in the next Alfheim anyway. Just keep using PKP to kill them off. As long as the combo doesn’t reset you’ll get the points needed even if you don’t torture. Just be careful because there are quite a few of them. Whenever you see them flash blue, that’s your cue to dodge! And don’t grow complacent because sometimes they attack several times in a row!

Anyway, after dealing with that, turn back. You’ll see the next Alfheim has appeared way back at the bottom of the shaft. So get over there and go inside!

Verse 8

Oh my FUCKING tuxedo jesus straight out of a raging thundercunt what in the FUCK is this shit?! Stay in the air for 30 seconds with Glory and Grace?! WHAT. Just… WHAT. I don’t even. I can’t. What.

That’s right. Brace yourself. Because this is far harder than anything we’ve had to do before. In fact, it doesn’t even come close. Not. Even. Close.

G&G aren’t just gonna let you jump on them. They slash and air combo you right out of the air! They are NOT fucking around. They want to destroy you and they have the tools to do it. They will parry your attempts to hit them with Kulshedra, which drops you straight back on the floor. So how the FUCK is this even possible? Welp, this is 10% luck, 20% skill, 15% concentrated power of will…

Here’s the trick though. And it’s not so much a “trick” as a “how to not fail miserably every time”. And that trick is, THROW KULSHEDRA IN THE TRASH. You might be inclined to use it since it’s worked so well in these types of Alfheims up till now. In this one it’s just a recipe for disaster. G&G EASILY parry that and send you back down. So just PUT. THE WHIP. DOWN. Instead, here’s what we’re going to do.

First of all, equip Shuraba. Second of all, make sure you have Crow Within.

Now here’s the strategy: As soon as G&G appear, run up to the closest one and jump on him to get things started. Only jump on him once and DON’T use your double jump. At the peak of your jump, press and hold punch to stay in the air with Shuraba’s aerial charge move. You can stay in the air for up to around 8 seconds with this. But nevermind that. While you’re hanging in the air, keep your eye on the fire dude. There’s a 50% chance that he will initiate his spinning flame attack, based on your altitude. This is what we’re going to exploit. We’re going to exploit the fact that his recovery after the spinning move is long and keeps him from moving around, so we know exactly where he is.

When you see him start spinning around, wait a second for him to get close to you, then cancel out of the Shuraba charge move by hitting dodge twice and going into crow mode. Stay close to him and just when he’s about to finish spinning, cancel out of crow by dodging and VERY quickly expend your double jump just before you hit the ground, jump towards him and then jump on his head. Then at the peak of that jump press and hold punch to activate Shuraba’s aerial charge move. Now simply take it from the top and repeat the whole thing. 3 times or so should be enough.

As I said, sometimes if you’re too high up he won’t initiate his spinning move. If he doesn’t don’t worry about it. Just cancel out and go into crow mode and he will do it. It’s the same, except you’ll have to stay in crow mode a little bit longer while you wait for it to end.

Sometimes the game will say ENOUGH O’ DIS and have one of them just jump up and air combo you. This means you fail, but it shouldn’t really happen very often. Really. Just keep trying and eventually you’ll get it. After a while it won’t even seem that hard anymore with this strategy!

Don’t worry at all about combo points. The ones you get from jumping on them are enough.

Anyway, get outta there. Go up Jormungandr’s Staff again, this time all the way up. Be careful just before getting to the top because there are runes almost around the ENTIRE place. When you get up there the floor will close beneath you. There’s a wicked wall here but you can’t get past it. You need to jump on those ledges on the other wall and pull the lever there. This will open up the attic above. Jump up into the hole to find some crack witch time statues. Check the broken one to trigger the next verse!

Verse 9

A single Fearless? Eaaaasy street. Show this punk why he ain’t take a step on a Compton block. Like I’ve said before, when he raises his tail, you can actually go up to him and wail on him with a Kilgore combo and he won’t have time to lower the tail and counter attack if you were fast! If he does lower the tail, just watch out for that and dodge. Either way that’s a good way to deal damage to him relatively safely.

After the fight, activate the turbomega witch time statues and get down to the previous floor. You can now get through the wall.

You’ll now be out and it looks like there’s a hurricane going on out here! Instead of going up the snake, go down it to find the next Alfheim we gotta do. Siiiigh, jesus, what is it with all these Alfheims in the same chapter!

Verse 10

Aaaand it’s a tough one. You have to kill off 5 G&Gs with only 40 punches. The best way to kill G&Gs, of course, is with the Kilgore combo, but there’s just too many of them here and you’ll unfortunately run out of punches if you try to kill them like this. For this reason, here’s what we’re going to do. For the first two, equip Shuraba. We’re going to kill them using the charge move. As soon as the fight starts, press and hold punch to charge it up. When they get close to you, release it for huge damage. Then just try to get some good distance so you can charge it up again and do it again.

This is easier said than done though, because G&G are FAST. Still, keep using panther mode and run around looking for an opportunity where you can begin charging. If you manage to get to the first level of charge, you can dodge their attacks without losing your charge! So keep that in mind. As you fight, keep a good idea on the lightning dude because his signature attack where he shoots a bunch of shockwaves along the ground is one of THE most bullshit moves in the game. Dodging it is downright impossible. The only way to avoid it is to jump, and thus lose your charge. Even if you THINK you rolled out of the way, sometimes the game is all ENOUGH O’ DIS and one of the shockwaves will mysteriously turn back and hit you. But anyway keep dodging their attacks and using this strategy. Eventually they will die and you won’t have used very many punches! Unless you screwed up too many times, but try not to.

Once the next 3 G&Gs appear, since you’ve now built up a healthy dose of magic, activate Pulley’s Butterfly. Now that you’re safe, you can get in there and try to kill them FAST with Kilgore combos. Why can’t you just keep using the Shuraba strategy? Well, you can, but believe it or not, the biggest problem in this fight is the time limit. Even if you complete it within the Alfheim’s time limit, if you cut it too close you’ll only get gold. So you need to be a little faster than that. That’s why I recommend trying to kill them fast with Kilgore combo at this point. Don’t worry about combo points, you’ll get them no matter what you do.

Anyway, once that’s done, get out and walk all the way up the snake. Watch out for the gay tornado thingies. Jump and dodge to avoid them. When you get to the little pool, check behind the pillar for a chest with what I believe used to be a piece of angelic hymns LP. Keep moving up. As you get higher up the snake will begin to crumble. Just keep running normally and jump if you have to. When you get to the top, it’ll be time to fight Inspired!

Verse 11

This is LAUGHABLY easy. When the fight starts, Inspired will be flying around like a cunt. Just shoot him with your gun a lot and after a few seconds he’ll crash down where you are. When he does unleash a Kilgore combo on his face to get him down to less than half HP. He will then get up. At this point stay close to him and start shooting him. He will try to swipe you with his tail, but the cue is that little HNNN sound he makes, so it’s ridiculously easy to dodge and keep shooting in between. If you move too far away from him he’ll start throwing out his fireballs, which are a tiny bit harder to dodge so don’t do it. After trying to swipe you (to no avail) a few times he’ll go back up to the air. Shoot him to bring him back down and finish him off, then climax for the win. No problem!

After the fight, walk up the ramp to the tower. Jump up all the way to the top of the tower and check around here for a chest that used to contain a heart piece before we got it. Exit out through the doorway nearby and keep walking forward to trigger the next verse. WHEN WILL THIS CHAPTER END?

Verse 12

Another Inspired? That’s IT? Yet another joke verse, I guess. This fight is 100% identical to the last one. Just do the exact same thing and you will get the pure platinum. Nothing else to say.

After the fight you might be inclined to keep going forward. NOT SO FAST, KAIBA! Go back down the tower you just came from and all the way to where you fought the first Inspired. This will trigger the 13th optional verse which you NEED to do if you hope to get that pure platinum award.

Verse 13

A few Harmonies will pop up here. This is another freebie. It’s actually identical to the fight you had in the middle of Jormungandr’s Staff so just do the exact same things to win here. Tortures are optional. Just keep using Shuraba’s PKP combo and dodging when you see them flash blue and you will get that pure platinum easy as pie!

Go back up the tower again to where you fought the second Inspired. Keep going forward and kick down that rickety ol’ gate. Unless it’s already kicked down. In which case nevermind. Keep walkin’ and eventually Temperantia will show up and start causing some havoc or whatever. Witch time will activate. Keep running and jumping on the islands that show up. When you get to the last one you’ll get a prompt to hit forward + jump. And now you’ll be in the last verse.

Verse 14

Jeanne AGAIN? Well if it ain’t anutha ho that I gotsta fuck with, gap teeth in yo mouth so my dick’s got ta fit. Jeanne is very similar to the last fight we had with her back in chapter II with a couple key differences: first of all she has Shuraba now. Oh yeah, big deal. But more importantly, we now have all of our weapons! And you know what that means. That’s right, Kilgore combo up in this mutha FUCKA.

Activate Pulley’s Butterfly at the start of the fight if you want. After all, you really should have full magic at this point. Since she likes to parry your attacks, try to start the Kilgore combo from far away so that you whiff the first hits and only the rockets hit her. This does INSANE damage to her. You can kill her ridiculously fast with this. It’s just crazy. Just as long as you use Pulley’s Butterfly and start the Kilgore combo from somewhat far away (preferably when she’s off camera), you’ll get this easy with no need for any real strategy. Which sucks, but that’s how it goes.

Chapter 6

Aight, so you’ll start this chapter at the proving grounds, and it looks like there’s some kinda annoying typhoon or something going on that’s lowering our visibility. And our frame rate too because the PS3 sucks. Either way, check out back behind you for a chest that used to contain a piece of Odette. Once that’s opened keep walking forward past the nice fountain that is obviously using bleeding edge technology to avoid getting overflowed with all this rain. Break open the gate down the stairs to trigger the first verse!

Verse 1

This verse is annoying. You’ll be facing two Ardors and a few lesser angels here. There’s a shitty catch though: They’re all on FIRE. That basically means you can’t touch them, or you’ll get hurt. Which means getting the combo points you need for the pure platinum is very hard. Here’s what I recommend doing though: first off, make sure you start the chapter with full magic. As soon as you kick down the gate, rush to where the 2 Ardors are and immediately use a torture attack on one. When it’s done, use a torture on the other. When that’s done use the last torture on the previous one to finish it off. That’ll drain the last bit of our magic. Run away back to the gate, and shoot them a little to keep your combo from breaking. Now what we’re going to do is simply use a combination of taunts and dodges to build back our magic, while shooting in between to keep the combo from breaking. Once you’ve built up enough magic, use a torture on the remaining Ardor to kill it. That’ll leave only the lesser angels. Here you can keep building magic and kill one more with a torture. At that point it should be enough and you can kill rest normally with your gun/wicked weaves whatever. You can keep using tortures just to be safe too though! Don’t worry about the time limit, it ain’t strict at all.

After the fight some buttons will appear on the floor. There’s also a chest up on the ledge right above us with what used to be a witch heart in case you want it. But anyway, we have to turn into a panther and run across all 3 switches to activate them within the time limit and go through the door.

You’ll now be in a flooded room. Check out the rubble to the left for another chest with a piece of Odette. Climb up the rock in the middle of the room and check the broken umbra statue to trigger the next verse.

Verse 2

Two Inspired rise from the water! This is so, so, so easy though. These Inspired are actually gimps, much weaker than the ones in the previous chapter. When the fight starts, jump down onto the water and start shooting them. It takes a few shots to get one off the sky. When it falls, run up to him and do a single full Kilgore combo on his face. That will kill him. See? Told you they was gimps! Then simply repeat it for the next one. You might want to taunt when he’s on the other side of the rock so your combo doesn’t break. After a while though he’ll fall down just like the other one and a single Kilgore combo will kill him as well. Then just activate the climax to finish this verse with pure platinum! There isn’t even much dodging to do!

After dealing with those pests, jump back up on the rock and activate turbo witch time with those statues to be able to jump on the water spouts. As soon as you jump onto solid ground past the doorway, the third verse will start.

Verse 3

You’ll first be greeted by a Dear and Decorations. Dispatch it with either Shuraba PKP combo or a Kilgore combo. It’s up to you. Just be careful with his oral cannon.

After those guys are dead, some spike traps will activate. You have to get through them but be careful not to get hit or you won’t get the pure platinum! They’re not that hard to get past, honestly. You can either jump and air dodge through them to get by fast, or just walk slowly/run around them paying attention to their pattern. Either way works fine since time isn’t really much of an issue.

When you’re past them, break the rubble to the left to reveal the lever, and pull it to stop the spike traps and summon a pack of weaksauce angels. Just kill them with hard Kilgore combos, they ain’t a threat at all!

That’ll be the end of this verse. Don’t advance yet though! Look out the window to the right, and you’ll see that an Alfheim has popped up back in the previous room where you fought the Inspired. So get back over there and go inside! It’s up there near the door to the proving grounds, come on man, didn’t you see it when I told you to look out the window?!

Verse 4

To be quite honest with you, I don’t really understand this Alfheim. You fight Gracious and Glorious and you’re supposed to kill at least one of them with a torture attack but it’s like… that’s IT? That’s ALL? What was supposed to make Gracious and Glorious hard was that they were immune to witch time, but since everything is immune to witch time in Nonstop Climax, they’re basically just run of the mill Grace and Glory to us.

So really, this Alfheim is FREE. With capital F. And R. And E. …and I guess also the other E too.

Basically what you want to do is start softening them up with a few light combos while dodging their shit to build magic. The best time to build magic is when one of them is doing the fiery spin move, because you can just run up to him and just dodge a bunch of times around him easily for orbs. Also, remember that they will always parry your combos UNLESS you hit them in the backside. When they do parry, immediately dodge because they will counter attack. But yeah, they really are identical to Glory and Grace. Once you’ve gotten one down to less than half health, use your torture combo to finish him off. Remember that the torture has to kill him! If you do one but it doesn’t kill him, it won’t count. Once you do that, just dispatch the other one however you want and that’ll be it for this joke Alfheim.

Run back to the hall with the spike traps. There are 3 buttons here, and just like the last time you have to use Panther mode to run over them before the time limit and past the door on the other end.

Keep walking to trigger the next Verse.

Verse 5

At the stairs you’re greeted by a Gracious and Glorious. WhatEVER! Just take care of them as you did in the previous Alfheim and as you would any Grace and Glory besides. Tortures are optional.

Once those dudes are bodied, keep going because the verse ain’t quite over yet. You’ll be on a bridge and will have to deal with a gang of pussy low order angels. There are some trumpeters further down that will probably annoy you. Walk close to them to trigger and scene where the bridge falls down to get them off your back, then take care of the others with Kilgore combos. You CAN technically skip this part and end the verse by just jumping over the bridge but that’ll just work against you since you need the extra combo points these guys give for the pure platinum. Once those are bodied as well just turn into a panther and jump across the gap in the bridge to end the verse, and break open the door here to start the next!

Verse 6

After skipping this gay cutscene (actually, basically everything that comes out of Bayonetta’s mouth pisses me off. Plus its also got Cereza), you’ll be thrust into combat with a bunch of weak angels. You might think there’s some sort of catch to this fight since you’re out of body and Cereza’s HP bar is shown but there really isn’t. You don’t have to worry at all about Cereza. Just fight normally, kill them all with Kilgore combos, avoid getting hit, etc and it’ll work out to a relatively hassle-free Pure Platinum. Generally speaking you want to keep your combo from breaking but you can actually still get the pure platinum even if you break it in a few parts. It’s just not very strict here.

After the fight, kick down the door. No, not the one you just came from, the other one!

You’ll now be outside and the typhoon is still raging. How annoying. Keep walking up the stairs to trigger the next verse.

Verse 7

You’ll be facing 5 weaklings here but you’re not out of body so you can’t damage them directly! A lightning bolt will cause a post to fall off. Pick it up and use it to kill these guys. You might want to activate Pulley’s Butterfly beforehand because it’s really hard to dodge while carrying a huge light post. Two hits will kill them each. Every hit will stun one of them but the same can’t be said about the others, that’s why Pulley’s Butterfly is a good idea here. After killing the first three the next two will pop up further up and rush you, so be ready to hit them with the post.

Once that’s done, break open the gate in front of you. As you proceed down the tunnel, a huge dude will come chasing you. Since Cereza can’t run for shit, you’ll have to stall the monster by throwing things at it. There’ll be cars, posts and junk on both sides of the tunnel, so every time you run across one, quickly lift it and throw it at him. When he catches up to Cereza he’ll start hitting her and you won’t be able to advance. But don’t worry, Cereza getting hit doesn’t count towards the damage tally. She can get hit alllll day and you’ll still come out with pure platinum as long as you yourself don’t get hit. That’s why you need to be careful, when you get to a gate, break it down fast, or else he might catch up with you and hit you. Then it’s over.

But yeah, just keep going forward, throwing everything you find at him, breaking down the gates until you get to the end. Another pretty easy Pure Platinum.

Keep going forward until you get to the portal and go through it. What’s that? It’s closed? You enter from the BACK side, fool! And yes, I have actually gotten this question before, believe it or not.

Verse 8

As soon as you go through, and after skipping another terrible cutscene of course, you’ll be jumped by a pair of Fairness and Fearless. Make sure to jump and dodge away immediately because they’re pretty aggressive. If you get some distance away from them they’re likely to do the charging move that makes them smack against a wall and get dizzied, which basically gives you the win for free. Simply do a Kilgore combo (make sure the other one isn’t about to do something), and then finish it off with a torture. Repeat for the other one, blah blah we already know how to take care of these guys.

The verse isn’t over though, keep walking forward towards the Beloved that was chasing you earlier. When you get near some meteors will start falling down for NO REASON WHATSOEVER. So keep your eyes on the ground and make sure you’re not standing in any circles of fire which point where a meteor will fall. After a little bit of that, the Beloved will break free and you’ll have to fight him.

The fight isn’t too tough but you have to be careful of a few things. For one thing, you want to stay in the air as much as god damn possible. If he punches the ground while you’re standing on it you’ll be stunned for a second. This isn’t too big of a deal, but it’s also easier to get hit by all of his moves like his axe, his stomp etc if you’re on the ground. So stay airborne and use air kilgore combos on his back to destroy him. He doesn’t reach out behind him to grab you unlike other Beloveds, so you don’t have to worry about that, but he does swing his arm around sometimes if you’re behind him. He will also do a pussy move where he summons meteors to hit you, except they will hit him too! What an idiot. Just run around while he does this to avoid the meteors. You might also want to force the camera to look at the ground so you know where they’ll hit, because it likes to look up AT him instead of where you want it to. Finally, he also has a shitty eye laser that leaves him completely vulnerable for a while, so this is a great opportunity to lay the smackdown. That’s pretty much it though, end this fool to finish the verse.

Try to keep the combo going the entire time as you fight this guy. It’s not very hard considering the fact that he fights like a little girl. As long as you do this and got enough combo points with the 2 Fairness previously, you’ll get this pure platinum.

Verse 9

No time to rest though! The obligatory doppelganger that always has to show up in videogames will steal Cereza, and unfortunately we can’t let her. Sucks, I know. As soon as the verse starts you’ll be chasing her through a very long corridor. She’ll be shooting those obstacle course lasers at you. It’s not very difficult to avoid them, just get out of the way and dodge when you’re near them just to be safe. Even if they touch you, you can still dodge through them and take no damage so it’s cool.

What you have to keep in mind is that the speed at which she flies away from you is the same speed at which you’re running. That means there’s no reason to use Panther during this part. You’re not going to catch up to her and it’ll only make it harder to avoid the lazors. Furthermore, if you use panther at one point but then turn back to human, she’ll have sped up and then there will be a huge distance between you, making it harder to catch up. So just stay in human form and keep running. When you get to the end of the corridor she’ll stop shooting lasers and you can panther run through that last stretch.

Once you get here you’ll have to fight her. But dude, she is SO easy. She has no defense and will rarely if ever parry your attacks, plus she has that same shooting move Jeanne has that leaves her vulnerable, which gives you the perfect opportunity to unload a full Kilgore combo on her ass. Sure, she’ll try to dodge in the middle but you’ll still do massive damage and the wicked weave at the end will stun her for a bit, letting you start a SECOND combo and finishing her off just like that.

When you kill her though, she’ll show her true form, and it’s just a Joy. Although it comes with one of the most awesome enemy introductory cutscenes! These are basically the only cutscenes I like in this game. Oh, well, other than the ones with Rodin and Enzo of course. Those guys are win. But wait, what was I saying? Oh right, Joy. Anyway, make sure to dodge as SOON as the fight starts because she tries to surprise hit you there. What you want to do though, is dodge TOWARDS her if possible and IMMEDIATELY start a torture combo on her. The problem with this fight is that this Joy’s prime directive is to use her asexual reproduction to make 2 copies of herself. If you leave her to her devices for just a scant few seconds she will do this, and once there are 3 Joys running around it becomes much, much harder, so you want to prevent this. That’s why you have to get in her face immediately and use a torture. When it ends, if you still have magic left, use a second torture to finish her off! If you don’t, just use the Shuraba’s PPPPP~ combo, that should work too.

The important part is that you don’t want her to reproduce. You will still get the required combo points for pure platinum as long as you used two Kilgore combos on the doppelganger and tortured this Joy, so there’s no reason to let her make it any harder for you!

Welp, we’re done with this chapter, which wasn’t very hard at all. Check behind the portal for a chest if you want, then go through. Keep walking forward towards the bridge with Luka to finish.

Chapter 7

Oh right, so it was this faggot who was creating the typhoon, right.

Like I’ve said before, the bosses in this game are very easy. But this one is actually pretty fun, and it’s not as easy as the last one because the combo point quota for pure platinum isn’t lenient. You’ll need to do some specific things to make sure you hit the points target, but I’ll get to that later. Let’s start up this byotch.

Verse 1

As usual, there’s only one verse and it consists of the entire fight. When it starts, you’ll be standing on a floating platform and Temperantia will lock one of his arms on it. What a noob, that’s just asking to get raped. Jump up and begin doing a full airborne Kilgore combo on it. What he will usually do at this point is start shooting at the platform with his other arm and destroy it (this isn’t always the case, but just keep wailing on his stationary arm and he will do this sooner rather than later). If you’re standing on the platform at this point you will be given the prompt to jump away and escape to another platform. Don’t do this! Instead, keep doing the Kilgore combo in the air on the stationary arm until the entire platform gets destroyed. Don’t worry, as long as you’re in the air you won’t get hit.

Now at this point since the platform has been completely destroyed you’ll begin falling down. What you want to do, if possible, is keep doing as many air Kilgore combos on him as you can while you’re falling. He can’t do shit to you while you’re in this situation. He canNOT do SHIT. You can get quite a bit of free damage and combo points this way, even make it go as high as 9.9x! You just have to be careful because it can be difficult to see the number of punches you’ve done with so much shit going on, and if you screw up the number of punches you’ll plummet down without getting to do much. If this happens don’t worry though, we can make up for it later.

You’ll land on a different platform. If you did tons of damage to him like I told you to previously, he will immediately throw a huge punch against the platform. Don’t worry, you can’t get hit by this if you press PK when prompted to jump on his arm. However, you have to be careful because he actually has two different haymakers. This one, which gives you the prompt, and another one that doesn’t, which you have to dodge. It’s pretty easy to tell which is which though. The one that gives you the prompt is given away by the fact that he usually flinches back and groans in pain before doing it, while the other one is given away by the fact that he pulls back a lot more before doing it. If he does do this second punch, you will have to dodge. Stay crispy because it’s VERY fast. The start up is slow, but the move itself is very fast so you kind of have to know how long it takes him to throw it because if you try to reaction dodge you might not have enough time. But that might just be me and my 80-year old reactions.

If you didn’t do enough damage, he won’t use the move that lets you get on his arm though. Yet. Instead, he’ll keep doing his regular moves until you’ve done enough damage. They’re numerous, but not too dangerous. He’ll always have one of his arms locked on the platform while doing these things so you should always be hitting with some hard combos unless you’re currently dodging something. He’ll do things like shoot rockets in a horizontal line sweeping the entire platform. Just jump up to avoid it. He will shoot lasers out of his eyes. This is a bit more dangerous. If you see his eyes light up, get ready for this. He shoots a lot of them and always aims for where you are so you will have to dodge about 3-4 times in a row to avoid them all.

He will also shoot those annoying as fuck tornado thingies out of his mouth. This is probably his most annoying move. The tornado thingies will run around the platform at first, so jump up to avoid them, but also jump AWAY from his stationary arm because they will climb up on it. If you’re hitting the arm when they do this you’ll take damage.

Sometimes he’ll place one of his arms on the platform and pull back, then start charging a big punch. You’ll know it’s this move because of the distinct charging sound. This move is actually impossible to dodge, to avoid it you have to do enough damage on his stationary arm before he throws the punch.

And like I said above, he’ll use his big haymaker punch which you have to dodge. If you manage to successfully dodge it (and you should), you will activate omega witch time and be able to jump around some tiny platforms while time is stopped. Try to look around for a truck or a train and make your way towards it, then press PK to throw it at him for decent damage. Sometimes if you hit him with them he will get stunned for a few seconds and you can jump towards him while witch time is activated and deal some more free damage. Keep damaging him until you’re able to jump on his arm.

Once you’re on his arm, turn into a panther and quickly run towards the place where his arm connects to his torso. You can tell where it is by the yellow lightning that connects them. Try not to run in a straight line, rather as you run forward also move towards the side of his arm, otherwise you’ll get hit by flying trucks, trains and tornado thingies. Once you get to the core that is connecting his arm to his torso, be careful because the core will summon some Vergil style phantom swords that will linger in the air for a second before flying at you. Anticipate when they will start flying at you and then dodge a couple times to avoid them. Although you can simply run around without stopping and they won’t hit you. This is actually safer than dodging but you have to make sure you’re already in motion by the time the swords start flying, or else you’re better off dodging them. You also need to make sure there’s nothing obstructing your path. You need to stay in motion. It’s up to you which method to use, they both have their advantages and disadvantages. Me? I recommend using a combination of the two. As soon as the coast is clear, immediately start a full Kilgore combo on the core. One should be all you need, then you will get the prompt to start a climax. Take it and go through the motions to rape him.

The core actually has two types of attacks. On Infinite Climax though, the phantom swords attack is much, MUCH more common. I really don’t know why though, because the other one is more dangerous! He will still do it every now and then though. Basically the core will light up for a second and you’ll hear a sound, then it’ll send out a quick pulse that damages you. It’s ridiculously fast, so you have to know how much time it takes him to do it so you can dodge.

Anyway, once that’s done you’ll go back to fighting him normally. Keep damaging him as normal and eventually he’ll let you get on his other arm. Do the exact same thing you did on the previous arm to finish the first phase of the fight. On to the next one!

Now we’ll be on his body. This second phase is VERY important to be able to get the pure platinum so listen up. There will be a bunch of cores all around that we have to destroy. However, we have to make sure that our combo doesn’t get broken in between each core that we destroy! To do this, first of all, we have to know where each core is so we don’t have to spend time running around looking for them. The way to know where they are is the yellow bands that extend out from the force field that is protecting Temperantia’s face. If you follow each yellow band you’ll reach each core. Here’s the trick though: every time you destroy a core, you’ll get a short scene and then when you regain control you’ll be a little disoriented, so what you have to do is, as soon as you regain control, begin spamming the taunt button. While you’re doing this, move the camera around to get your bearings and find a yellow band. Once you’ve found it, stop taunting, turn into a panther and follow it quickly. If you do it correctly, you’ll have reached the next core before the combo resets, and you can hit it a couple times before the phantom swords it summons start to fly at you, then you can dodge them, do a full kilgore combo to kill it, and then after the short scene start spamming taunt again and repeat the loop. Keep doing this until all the cores are destroyed.

There’s a possibility that you might get hit by a flying car while taunting but this is so, so, so unlikely that it’ll only happen maybe 5% of the time. It’s really nothing to worry about.

Eventually, there’ll be such few cores left that you might not find any bands even if you look around while taunting, which is likely to cause your combo to reset while you’re searching around. But don’t worry, as long as you can keep the combo going between 3 or more cores you’ll get enough points for the pure platinum.

After the final core is destroyed, Temperantia’s force field will be destroyed, and we can move on to the final phase where we get to rape his face. Hey, that rhymed! I’m a rapper and I didn’t even know it!

This is probably the hardest phase. If you’ve done what I told you in the previous one with the cores, you no longer have to worry about combo points, just damage him normally and concentrate on avoiding attacks. He has quite a few. He still has his annoying eye lasers, and now you’re a lot closer to him so if you see his eyes light up, get the hell away, preferably move behind him or to a side. The more dangerous version of this, though, is when he shoots them up into the sky. They’ll then come raining down on top of you. What makes avoiding this attack difficult is the fact that the camera is DEAD SET on making you lose. It’ll look high up towards the sky and generally act like an ass so that you can’t see where you’re going. What you have to do is turn into a panther and start running in circles around Temperantia, but it’s important that while you’re running, you’re also forcing the camera to look at the ground, else you might get stuck somewhere like on him or an invisible wall or whatever and then you’ll get hit.

Another really annoying attack he has is when he summons those tornado thingies to fly around him. If you’re near him when they’re flying around chances are you will get hit. You CAN dodge them but they’re really fast and it’s tough. The easiest way to avoid them is simply to jump back and stay far away from his head until they disappear.

Finally, he also has an attack where he shoots a huge laser towards the ground and spins around three times. This isn’t very hard to dodge. Since he spins counter-clockwise, simply wait for him to make each pass and dodge towards the opposite direction. Don’t let him grab you with his mouth either. We’re trying to pure platinum this bitch so even a tiny amount of damage is unacceptable. This mouth attack is actually very fast and hard to see coming, so your best bet is to just try not to be near his mouth that much.

Keep damaging him as much as you can in between each of his attacks. Since he doesn’t give you much time at all to do this, you don’t really get to use the kilgore combo that much. So instead of that, just damage him normally with some quick Shuraba hits or your weapon of choice.

There’s nothing special you have to do here, just make sure you don’t get hit and wittle down his HP until you can finish him off with the climax. As long as you kept the combo going in phase 2 and didn’t get hit you’ll nab that pure platinum!

Chapter 8

Man this chapter is AWESOME, only for the music. Best song in the entire game. I would probably hate this bike chapter if it weren’t for this. It’s also relatively short, with only 5 verses, and also not very difficult.

Verse 1

The kinda gay thing about this verse is there’s too much shit going on and the PS3 can’t HANDLE it, so the framerate problems are a bit more obvious. You’ll be on top of a truck with an Ardor (who happens to be on fire) and another lesser angel. There are also 5 other trumpeters scattered around the place on different cars.

First off you wanna take care of that Ardor and other dude on the same truck you start in. The easiest way to take care of them is first of all to equip the Evil Harvest Rosary. Now. Since you start a few meters away from them you can start by dodging backwards once and then whiffing the first hits of a Kilgore combo and getting the lesser angel with the rockets followed by the wicked weave. The wicked weave will send him flying off the truck and make him suck pavement. Not to mention die. Then you’ll want to deal with the Ardor. Be careful though because the trumpeters will be shooting you at this point. What I recommend doing is simply keep dodging his attacks and let the Evil Harvest Rosary damage him. Eventually the explosions are likely to make him fall off the truck. If he has less than half HP he’ll die from this. However! The explosions are ALSO likely to stun him, and if this happens it’s even BETTER for you because after a little bit his fire may entinguish and you’ll be able to do a full Kilgore combo on his back for a lot of points!

Once you kill that angel you’ll have to deal with those annoying little trumpeters. I recommend not using tortures during this verse since these guys aren’t much of a threat and the upcoming verse is harder. You should, however, keep the combo going or else you won’t get pure platinum. That means that you don’t want to just off them with a quick PKP combo, for instance. That doesn’t give you enough points. You want to kill them with Kilgore combos. The interesting thing, though, is that these guys happen to be completely, 100% immune to stun from the first few punches of this combo. Which means you will never be able to get it off… unless you use Pulley’s Butterfly and take their hit. Alternatively, if you don’t want to waste magic, here’s another trick: jump on their head before starting the combo. This will make them stunnable.

Make sure you’re careful not to fall on the road or you’ll suck pavement yourself. Here’s a tip: When the cars are making turns BE CAREFUL. If you try to jump when they’re turning your jump might end up screwy and you may fall off. When jumping between cars you want to keep shooting at the enemy every couple seconds to make sure the combo doesn’t get reset. If you let it break too much you’ll only get gold and then you’ll be screwed, though it can be broken quite a few times as long as you kill them all with Kilgore combos.

Verse 2

After dealing with those guys you’ll have to fight three Gracious and Glorious. This is the hardest verse in the chapter. Like I’ve said before, these guys aren’t any different from Grace and Glory on Nonstop Climax. Which means… that they’re still pretty dangerous. But honestly I’d rather fight these dudes than Joys. We pretty much already know how to deal with these guys. Go ahead and activate Pulley’s Butterfly at the start if you want to make things easier. You should have full magic since you shouldn’t have used any on the previous verse. A good way to own these guys is to first get some distance by running away as panther, then turning around and start whiffing the first hits of a Kilgore combo. The rockets will hit them for good free damage even if they’re far away, and if they happen to close the distance it will get them for even more safe damage. Well. I say safe damage but you have to make sure that IF they parry you midcombo, you immediately dodge away to avoid their counter attack. Plus, you also have to make sure the other guys aren’t doing any of their bullshit. If you see one of the lightning ones charging up for their rush attack, get away. If you see them charge up their shockwave attack that sends electricity through the floor, jump up and hang in the air with your pistols if you have to. Same deal goes if the fire one does his spinning move, though that one is pretty damn slow and thus not that dangerous. Something to keep in mind, though, is that Kilgore rockets stop ALL of these moves cold. So if you see one charging but a rocket is about to hit him, just ignore it and keep the combo going.

You also need to be careful of incoming cars, since you’re on the highway and everything. If you get hit by a car it’s over, so try to keep the camera pointed towards the side the cars are coming from. If you see one coming on your lane, jump the hell away. The cars can also damage the enemies, so that’s nice. If they happen to hit them they’ll expose their back and you can get in a nice big combo without fear of getting parried. But usually you’re too far away for this to be practical, so most of the time I only recommend using this as extra time/opportunity to start whiffing a Kilgore combo from far away.

Feel free to use up all your magic on tortures. You’re not gonna need it after this. Plus, it gives you good combo points so there’s no reason not to use them.

Alternatively, I will now tell you a REALLY great trick you can use to ANNIHILATE these guys in record time, with no risk, and with ultimate combo points: firstly you need to make sure you have full magic. Now, start a torture attack on one of them. As SOON as it ends start a Kilgore combo. This will cause you to move past him as he recovers from the torture, but by the time you activate the rocket part, you will turn around and be hitting him in the back! That means you will get him with the full important part of the combo and he won’t be able to parry at all! This will finish him off. Then you move on to the next one, initiate a torture combo on him and repeat for this one and then the final one. See? Ultimate. Well, ok, it’s not actually COMPLETELY risk free, you do have to watch out for incoming cars and if the other dudes are too close they will hit you out of the combo. But really, with this trick it’s very easy, and if you combine it with Pulley’s Butterfly you don’t even have to worry about getting hit by cars!

After the fight, you’ll get a scene introducing the Irenic. Stay frosty ’cause you’ll have to jump over a truck! If you don’t, you’re dead. Then it’s time to start the main part of this mission!

Verse 3 and 4

Ok, so bike section. This isn’t really too hard. There are just a few things to keep in mind. First off, it’s best to just hold down the fire button the entire time to shoot your guns. It’s easier to hit stuff this way since you don’t have to think about firing. There’s really no reason to ever stop firing.

When you see an Irenic, try to get behind him and shoot him up until he explodes. Same thing with any other enemies you see, including Beloveds and Angels surfing on top of cars. It won’t give you many points, but you don’t actually need that many to get pure platinum in the first place so it’s all good.

Hitting most cars and stuff like rails doesn’t make you take damage, only slows you down so don’t worry too much about that. However, you’ll want to make use of the dodge to go through things like flaming trucks. Also use the dodge when you’re going through Beloveds, Joy lasers, trumpet blasts, pipe bombs, barrels, etc. The Joy lasers can be dangerous, especially if they throw two in a row at you and you can’t dodge twice fast enough. Not to mention if they throw one at you while you’re bouncing from a jump! Then you can’t dodge at ALL. Very annoying. If you see any Joys in the distance try to shoot them down first.

I’d recommend always taking the main road, since it has more enemies and thus more chances to rack up points. The side roads are nice but they’re pretty lonely. Plus, some of them make you switch to the left lane, where the cars are coming AT you. If you hit one of them there, you’re done.

when going through tunnels you’ll want to speed up because the gates will close on you. If you’re fast you’ll be able to go through them before they close completely. If you hit some cars or something and it closes before you manage to go through, you actually CAN dodge to go through them without taking damage. In fact, I’d recommend dodging through them ANYWAY even if they haven’t closed, just to be safe. Speeding up can be very risky and dodging through closed doors isn’t hard at all, so you’re actually better off never speeding at all!

When the highway starts blowing up and becoming uneven, you’ll want to try to jump or dodge over those parts because, even though usually you can hit the uneven parts and it’ll only slow you down, sometimes it WILL cause you to take damage. Basically, when in doubt, dodge. But remember that only the first few frames have invincibility.

Also be careful near the end of verse 4 when the left part of the road disappears. Just sayin’. I swear I’ve fallen down that pit twice because I was going too fast. Generally speaking there’s not much reason to go fast. The default speed works best.

After this part, and really, any part in general where you have to jump, sometimes the game will be like “Eat a dick, pal!” and make you fall through the floor or off someplace or whatever. I can’t do anything about that. Game’s fault. You’ll just have to try again.

It’s harder to get the combo points you need in verse 4 compared to 3, so when you’re in 4, you want to make sure that you hit as many Irenics and angels as you can, but MOST of all the best place to get those combo points is in the place where you pass by 3 Beloveds. Don’t go too fast on this part so you can rack up a lot of points with the pistol as you get near them, then, if possible, dodge their axe swings and activate the Evil Harvest Rosary for even more points.

Finally, be VERY careful of crashed freight trucks. These are quite possibly the most dangerous obstacle in the entire thing. When going through them make SURE you dodge through the middle part! Do NOT hit the front or back ends or you will take damage. You can’t even use the dodge’s invincible frames to go through these parts of the truck so don’t try. I’m not sure why. Maybe the truck is magical. Oh, and sometimes the game will be like “Enough o’ DIS!” and throw one of these trucks at you the very MOMENT when you’re bouncing up and down from a jump and can’t dodge. There is nothing you can do in this situation but get hit and try again and hope the game isn’t being a dick. Yeah, it’s some serious bullshit. I got NO respect for a game that pulls this kinda shit.

At the end you’ll have to press up and jump. So remember that! You don’t wanna screw up at this point right? Er… actually maybe you do. I mean, that music IS pretty bitchin’.

Verse 5

After that you’ll face off against 3 Braves. This part is soooo easy. If you leave them be for a little bit, they’ll eventually merge into their true form, but you can beat them pretty easily while they’re separated and still get the pure platinum. All you have to do is jump up and start a Kilgore combo in the air, then rain down rockets on them for huge damage. Don’t even have to worry about getting hit if you jump high enough. You can also activate Pulley’s Butterfly if you want to get more up close with those Kilgore combos without worrying about taking damage.

Again, there’s no reason to let them merge. You can if you want to though, I mean, I ain’t stopping you or nothing. But it’s really easier to just kill them fast.

Chapter 9

Man. I don’t like this level too much. There’s too much yellow light, everything is all weird and jumbled around! And to top it off the music is kinda sad.

You’ll start on the clockface. Walk forward, jumping on the platforms of light and to the next floating slab of concrete and then to the big island. It should look familiar, it’s the exact same place as the courtyard in Chapter I. Except now we’re in Paradiso so it’s not as pretty. Before jumping over the wall into the courtyard, there’s a chest over to the left with what used to be a witch heart, if I remember correctly. Open that if you want and then make your way to the statue in the center of the courtyard to trigger the first verse.

Verse 1

This one’s pretty easy. You’ll face an Ardor and some trombone wielding angels. Actually, it might not be a trombone. Whatever man, you know I got no sense of music, YOU KNOW I GOT NO SENSE OF MUSIC!

The Ardor is carrying a key you need and he’s also on FIRE so you’ll want to be careful. If you have equipped the Evil Harvest Rosary you can dodge his attacks while letting the magical counterattack damage him. This doesn’t give very many points but eventually he’ll get stunned and his fire may even extinguish, letting you start a Kilgore combo on his back. Once he’s out of the picture the other guys are easy pickin’s. The trombonist has a huge audio cue for when he’ll shoot his laser, so there’s not much to worry about. Just jump up when you hear it, or dodge if you have to.

Alternatively, you can simply off the Ardor with 2 torture attacks because there’s an Alfheim coming up next, so you have no need for your magic after this. This works even better. Also be careful because the trombonist’s attack also hits his friends. You might think this is good for you, but it’s not because it steals potential combo points from you.

After the fight, pick up the key and use it on the statue to end the verse. Now, before we got up there, a couple things: on each end of the courtyard there are cracked doors with the sol symbol that you can break. One of them has a chest with what used to be a piece of the Kilgore LP, and the other one has the portal to the Alfheim we gotta do next. So go in!

Verse 2

This Alfheim is a bit of a bitch. The enemies aren’t anything too special or dangerous but you have to be out of body to damage them. That means you need to leave your body somewhere before fighting, and if a stray enemy walks over to it and takes a swing… well. There ain’t SHIT you can do. In normal and hard you could theoretically go into witch time and save your body before it got hit but here? No.

What’s more, you need to keep the combo going throughout the fight or you won’t get that pure platinum. And if you pick up your body, you won’t be able to shoot the angels anymore, meaning the combo WILL get reset. That means you want to avoid moving the body as much as possible, but still keep it from getting hit.

So here’s what I recommend doing. Having the Evil Harvest Rosary equipped here isn’t such a bad idea. It incapacitates enemies for a few seconds and can even hit them when you’re not out of body(!). Still though, it barely gives any points, so you can’t just rely on it exclusively. Here’s what I recommend doing.

At the start of the fight, move backwards to the edge of the arena and wait for the 3 angels to come to you. When they do, one of them will swing at you. Dodge that to hit them with the Evil Harvest Rosary and then quickly use panther mode to run to the opposite end of the arena and drop off your body there. This is probably the safest spot to put it because angels will appear right on top of it and hit it if you put it near the entrance.

Still, that doesn’t mean you can just forget about it. You want to stay relatively close to it for the duration of the battle, but not close enough that enemies also hit it when trying to hit you. After placing it here, quickly run back to the middle of the arena where the angels you hit a few seconds ago will be coming back. At this point you can fight them normally. Use Kilgore combos on them to kill them fast and get the most points.

Try to keep an eye on all of them. If you see one stray away from your line of sight towards your body, DROP whatever you’re doing and quickly go hit it to keep it from damaging your body. After killing these first dudes you’ll have to deal with several more waves of enemies. If you placed the body where I told you, none of them should appear right on top of it, but if you’re not careful one might walk up to it and hit it.

So what you want to do is kind of stand between the enemies and your body, because they will try to hit whatever is closest to them. Try to keep them huddled up around you so you don’t have to worry about a stray one walking up to the body. If you use the Evil Harvest Rosary, you can knock down a lot of them at once which gives you a few seconds to kill one without worrying about what they may do. Alternatively, you can activate Pulley’s Butterfly once you have enough magic and try to catch several of them at once with a Kilgore combo.

While fighting, try not to move the body until the very end because that will make your combo reset. Just try to protect it. Use a mixture of taunts and your pistols to keep it going when you’re not actively comboing an enemy. Taunts are also useful because they make flying enemies fall down, and makes them fume for a few seconds, giving you enough time to kill them. Not to mention it gives you more points.

By the last wave, you’ll face a single Ardor. He will fall dangerously near your body but if you’re nearby there’s nothing to worry about. As soon as he falls use torture combos to kill him quickly. You should have enough magic for that at this point. Also, by this time your combo should also be up to 9.9x which should mean you already have enough points for the pure platinum, so what you can do, to be safe, is pick up your body, let the combo end, and then just finish the remaining enemies with dodges and magical counterattacks. Or, place it on the opposite end and then finish them off normally. It’s up to you.

After the fight, we can advance further into the level. Get out of the Alfheim and return to where you inserted the key into the statue. Jump up onto the big rings of spiritual energy that appeared around it and get all the way up to the big ball floating there for no reason. When you do this, verse 3 will start.

Verse 3

Nothing special here either. Just some garden variety angels for you to take care of. Just use Kilgore combos on them, whatever, just kill ’em. One of them has the key you need, careful with him because he acts a little differently when he has the key. He will attack similarly to an Ardor even though he’s not. But anyway, destroy them all, making sure that your combo doesn’t get reset at any point. Then pick up the key and walk to the bottom part of the sphere where the statue is. Insert the key there to end the verse.

Walk up the newly created path of spiritual energy to yet another place that should look familiar. It’s the spiraling snake from chapter V. Except for some reason it’s not destroyed. Well, whatever. As you start running down it, the next verse will trigger.

Verse 4

As you run down the snake, a giant ball will roll behind you. If it hits you, you’re done and you’ll have to start the chapter again. It’s not too hard to avoid it though. Simply use Panther Mode and run away from it. Witch Time lightning will start hitting you at regular intervals to help you out, so whenever you see it about to hit you, dodge to activate witch time and give you extra time.

As you go down, you’ll run past some weaksauce angels just standing around. You need to hit these guys at least a little bit if you hope to get that Pure Platinum. You don’t have to hit them too much though, so don’t worry. It’s easy. Whenever you get to one and you have witch time activated, punch him a few times and start a Kilgore combo if you have enough time, then just turn into a panther and resume running just before witch time runs out. Do this for every angel you come across and you should get those points no problem. You really don’t need that many. Just make sure not to linger for too long or the ball might catch up to you. At the end press the jump button to cross the gap.

You’ll now be on a platform with an apparatus that is clearly missing a cog. Break the wall nearby to repair it. With magic, obviously. Then simply spin around on the pole to spin and platform and connect the bridge of light. Walk on it to yet another familiar place. It’s my favorite place in the game, but it’s not so nice here since we’re in Paradiso.

Anyway, as you enter the plaza you’ll see the key you need being smashed to pieces by that god damn ball from hell. The pieces will scatter and hide in 5 chests around this place, and the fifth verse will start.

Verse 5

You need to open those five chests and get the pieces of the key. Be careful though because the ball will be trying to smash you the entire time. So when you hear the sound and see the symbol on the floor, jump away to avoid getting squashed into paper. You’ll also be stunned for a second if you’re on the ground when he hits the floor, so try to be in the air when he does this, if possible. Also, it’s not true that he’ll be smashing you the entire time though. There are certain spots where he will not fall. Particularly, near the chests. So when you get to a chest you can relax for a bit.

NOT. Because when you open some of the chests, an enemy will pop out and try to kill you. This is actually far more dangerous than the ball. So what you want to do to avoid damage is use the PKP combo to open a chest, and then IMMEDIATELY dodge after the wicked weave to avoid the surprise attack they love doing when they jump out.

Two of the chests have a Gracious and Glorious. You’ve fought these guys before, and this time you’ll only be fighting them one at a time so it should be easy. If one of them appears from the chest in the middle of the plaza, try to jump over to the courtyard and fight there because the ball won’t bother you there, as opposed to if you try to fight on the plaza.

The chest here houses a Fearless. Like I’ve said before, when he raises his tail, you can actually go up to him and wail on him with a Kilgore combo and he won’t have time to lower the tail and counter attack if you were fast! If he does lower the tail, just watch out for that and dodge. Either way that’s a good way to deal damage to him relatively safely. If he charges at you and smacks his head on a wall, that’s also a great time to rape him while he’s dizzied.

There’s no need to keep the combo going in between enemies here. And there is no need to keep it going while fighting the Fearless either if you did well against Gracious and Glorious. You can use tortures if you want, but they’re not necessary and you want to keep a little magic for the next encounter. Also try not to waste too much time between each chest. Open them all fast because the time limit is somewhat strict.

After getting all 5 pieces of key, the verse will end. Break the tables and vases around this plaza to find a purple butterfly if you need some magic. Then walk up the stairs and insert the key on the statue to create some spinning platforms of light. Why are they spinning? Just to be more annoying, I guess. Make sure not to fall off and make your way past them to the next island. Open the chest here if you want. Break the four statues up on the pillars here and you might find some more purple butterflies! You might need it for the next fight. Walk up the path to trigger the next verse.

Verse 6

GRAAAAHH!! We are welcomed into this verse by the gayest enemies in the entire game, Kinships. Just… fuck. These guys are relentless in their assault, with lasers, missiles, rockets and uh… grabby hands? And to damage them you have to jump up on their deck, which has basically no room at all to manuever if they shoot at you while here, and if you try to jump? You’ll just fall to your death. Fortunately, Kinships have low HP, so a single well placed Kilgore combo on their core will destroy them.

After the cutscene, immediately jump away and start dodging because some rockets will be circling around you. There are tons of them and you need to dodge several times in a row to avoid them. There are two Kinships. One of them is stationary and is the one shooting you, and the other one is temporarily off camera. Forget the latter one, as long as he’s off camera he won’t shoot you. After avoiding those rockets try to jump on the stationary one’s deck. Be CAREFUL and make the jump correctly. If you fall it’s over. Once you’re on deck he’ll probably shoot some more rockets at you. Like I said above, if you jump here you’ll just fall off and die. So what I recommend doing is simply stand there and wait for the moment when the rockets are about to hit you, and then SPAM the dodge button without pressing a direction until all the rocket have exploded. Once the coast is clear, do a full Kilgore combo on the core to destroy this Kinship. Hopefully you did it before the other one got on camera. Now, you have a choice. Stay here and wait for the other Kinship to get close so you can jump on his deck (risky since he’ll shoot at you and you have no room to move around), or jump back down to the island and wait for him to pass by so you can jump up on his deck (safer). Once you’re on his deck simply do the same thing you did for the other one to destroy him.

There’s no need to keep the combo going in between kinships. Also, using Pulley’s Butterfly is a good idea just to be safe since dodging while on a Kinship can be iffy sometimes.

After the battle, a familiar thing will pop up. Before we go there though, there’s an Alfheim we have to do. Stand on the stationary Kinship and look towards the horizon to find a big platform of spiritual energy with the Alfheim portal on it. You need to turn into a crow and fly there. Do so, and then enter.

Verse 7

This Alfheim is simple but not free. All you have to do is kill 2 Jeannes, and as long as you don’t get hit you’ll get the pure platinum. It’s VERY difficult to not get hit while fighting two Jeannes at the same time though. I mean, just one is bad enough with her ultra fast attacks and almost out of nowhere wicked weaves.

Here’s some good news though: first off, they don’t have as much HP as the real thing. Second of all, and most importantly, the combo points you need for pure platinum in this fight are very low. For this reason, I recommend equipping the Evil Harvest Rosary for this fight. This will allow you to damage them without compromising yourself by doing combos. Not to mention, any damage you can get for free simply by dodging is a great thing! As for weapons, I actually recommend using Shuraba exclusively in this battle. Specifically, the PKP combo because it’s fast, has good range, and the wicked weave does excellent damage, especially to these Jeannes that barely have any HP. It’ll do as much as 1/4 of their health!

So here’s the strategy: try to get them close to each other, and don’t attack. Wait for their attack, and once you see it, dodge to hit them for big damage from the evil harvest rosary. Here’s the juicy part though: the magical explosion will stun them for about 2 seconds! This gives you JUST enough time to do a quick PKP combo with Shuraba, doing even MORE damage and with no fear of retaliation. Just with this you should be able to take off half their HP if not more. So that’s what you want to do. As SOON as you dodge an attack and activate the magical counterattack, go into PKP combo for free damage. That’s really all there is to it. The magical counterattack might not hit them every time because they CAN dodge it, but if they do, that means that they can’t attack you, so go ahead and do the PKP combo as usual and it should still go off without a hitch.

Use your knowledge from previous Jeanne fights because they work the same way. If you’re too far away from a Jeanne she’ll do her annoying gun attack, and that means if you dodge, you’ll be too far away for the counterattack to hit, so try to keep them close to you, but stay on your toes for any combos or wicked weaves from them.

Oh yeah, about that. Those wicked weaves are hell of fast. While sometimes there are slight cues before them, such as a quick red flash or Jeanne saying “Bam!”, sometimes it can be something as difficult to react to as a snap of her fingers. That’s why, while reaction is important, you also kind of need to get a certain feel for when she’s likely to wicked weave. You need to anticipate when she’s likely to do it so that once she does, it’s much easier to react because you were expecting it.

Another thing to note. Whenever she launches up into the air, know that she WILL come down hard on you with a kick. So whenever you see her jump into the air, learn how long it takes her to come down with the kick (about a second), and dodge that. This is actually a great thing, because it gives you a super easy dodge. So whenever you see her do this move, it means you got lucky! Another easy dodge is whenever she starts a combo. Especially with her sword, she will always end it with a wicked weave that should be easy to see coming.

But yeah. Long as you don’t get hit you’ll win that pure platinum. This fight isn’t all that tough with that strategy. If you’re having a lot of trouble, you could also try building meter by dodging a lot at first and then activating Pulley’s Butterfly once you have magic, but it’s really not necessary.

After the fight, get out of the Alfheim and fly back to the island. Walk up to the thingy that appeared after you killed the Kinships. There’s a chest to the left in case you want it. And if you break the vases to the right you’re very likely to find some purple butterflies. Careful because gravity in this place is completely out of whack and the rings might fly UPWARDS. But anyway. Go up the thingy and fall through the hole to activate verse 8.

Verse 8

You’ll be falling and there will be some spiny tentacles trying to rape you. Be VERY careful, if you touch any of the spikes you will take damage and that’s no good. You want to try to smash through the red parts in the middle of them to kill them without taking damage, but be careful because they move around. Failing that you’ll want to just avoid them completely. Also, you’ll see a few Inspired flying around. Crash into them for some decent points. If you want to be safe, you can activate Pulley’s Butterfly before falling down the hole and this will actually help you for the upcoming fight because guess what. We’ll be fighting 3 Joys when we arrive and you know these bitches are serious business. Having it activated is crucial since these are the most dangerous enemies in the entire game. That being said, if you do activate it before the jump, you’ll burn through an entire meter by the time you get down there, and that means one less torture combo. And in this one tortures are essential because getting the combo points you need is not easy. So in reality, I recommend not activating Pulley’s Butterfly until you’re down there fighting them.

As soon as you hit the floor, jump away and dodge because they will try to hit you immediately. Then you’ll have to fight them. What can I tell you, this fight is the same as that time you fought 3 Joys in chapter V, verse 5, with perhaps the only exception that you don’t have as much room to run around, so fighting them one at a time is harder. This is why Pulley’s Butterfly is so crucial here. Good thing we just finished an Alfheim and thus have full magic.

Like that verse a while back, I don’t recommend using the Kilgore combo against these enemies because they will almost always parry it. Instead, use the PPPKK combo on them. This seems to have much more success. For one thing, they are much less likely to parry it, and the kicks also knock them right off their feet! When doing those sweeps, keep the button pressed to make Durga’s bomb go off for massive damage on them! This works great, plus it has massive blast radius so sometimes even if they dodge it’ll still hit them. Just don’t try it if they have the whip equipped or you’re getting dominated. That shit’s got supreme range.

Since you’ll have Pulley’s Butterfly activated, sometimes it’s best to simply take a hit in the interest of continuing the combo and getting in those Durga bombs to damage them.

Another good time to attack them is right when they initiate their gay move where they summon a bunch of flying feather thingies to home in on you. If you see her start this, immediately combo her to both stop it and get some good damage in.

Another thing to note is that if you see them dodging a BUNCH, know that right after their final big dodge they WILL attack, so that’s a good opportunity to dodge and then get some offense going because you can anticipate it.

Joys have low health and defense so that’s also another advantage you have. A torture combo will take off 3/4s of their HP, which is a lot. And in fact you are basically FORCED to use torture combos in this fight because if you don’t, you can bet you probably won’t get the combo points you need for that pure platinum.

Finally, remember that they have access to many weapons. Their regular form where they only have punches and kicks isn’t too bad. This is the form you want to fight in general. When they have that bigass sword they’re a little more dangerous. They love to do a launcher followed by a helm breaker. If you manage to dodge the launcher, they will stay in the air for about 2 seconds before coming back down. Don’t assume that just because you walked under them that it will miss you! They have the power to change their direction in midair and hit you no matter where you run, so instead, wait for them to come down and dodge again, then start a combo on their ass.

The whip. God, the whip. This one is the most dangerous shit. It’s so god damn fast and has deceptive range. Don’t assume you can react to this bullshit! You can’t! Or maybe I just have shitty reactions… Either way, your best bet is to anticipate the attacks and dodge. Just in general remember that they will attack if you’re in range so that will give you the anticipation you need to dodge their ultra fast whip.

However, by far the gayest thing about this fight is that you need a lot of combo points and getting them with Joys is NOT easy since they’re so tough. But necessity is the mother of invention, and I will now tell you a great way to kill these sluts fast, with the combo points you need, and with little skill required. It relies on having full magic, so make sure you don’t use Pulley’s Butterfly before jumping down the hole. The strategy is simply this: start a torture combo on one. As soon as it ends, start whiffing PPP and then do a single sweep with K, holding down the button. You’ll sweep her and the durga bomb will finish her off easily. Then jump over to the next one and initiate a torture combo on her. Repeat the same thing to finish her off easily as well, and then repeat for the third one. With this method you’ll kill them all FAST, your combo will never break, and they’ll basically not get to do SHIT to you.

After the fight, jump over to the next island to end the verse. Then run up the stairs. Careful because the god damn ball will start falling. Run along the edge to avoid it. When you get to the portal to the gates of hell, you’ll see a bridge of light leading to the next part. Don’t use it! Instead, turn into a panther and jump THROUGH it to the next island. There’s an optional verse we have to do here if we want that pure platinum award.

Verse 9

This verse is completely and utterly free. You’ll find three statues, each housing a weaksauce angel. Break the statue with a PKP combo to free the angel, and then kill it with a single Kilgore combo. Do this for all 3 statues and you’ll get the pure platinum with no effort required. You don’t even need to keep the combo going in between statues. At the end of this path you’ll also find a sol door you can break down to find a chest with what used to be the final piece of Lt. Kilgore LP. But anyway. Go back to the portal to the Gates of Hell, and this time take the bridge of light. Be careful because this particular bridge is a bullshit trap with a hole in the middle. You can’t run all the way through or you’ll fall. The hole is just before the brightest part of the bridge, so just before you get to that part, jump.

Keep advancing through the obstacle course with the bouncing ball and spinning platforms until you get to the bridge. Cross the bridge but be very careful with the annoying tornado thingies flying around. They have a set pattern though, where they leave a spot open in between each pass they make, so just jump over them and land on the safe spots to get through. Once you get to the end we’ll have to fight this chapter’s laughably easy boss.

Verse 10

Dude’s a complete joke. As long as you stay near him he can barely do shit to you. Just stay airborne near his core using the air PPPKKK combo to damage it. This prevents him from turning into a bird, which he will only do if you’re far away, and will also prevent his hands from being able to touch you since the area around his core is a safe zone. The only thing he can do when you’re near him is turn into a dragon and try to bite you. So when you see him turn into a dragon, immediately dodge to avoid the bite. But other than this? He canNOT do SHIT. Remember to dodge immediately at the start of the fight because he’ll throw a quick bite at the start and then just stay on top of him and keep doing the PPPKKK combo until his HP disappears and then finish him with the climax. Easy street.

But we’re not quite done yet. There’s still one more verse to take care of. Yeah, I know, this chapter is pretty damn long. Don’t enter the building yet. Up the stairs to the left there’s a chest in case you want it. Run back alllll the way back through the bridge, the obstacle course etc all the way to where you fought the 3 Joys in Verse 8. An Alfheim has popped up here and we have to complete it if we want that pure platinum award. So go inside.

Verse 11

This one might seem really hard, but it’s only moderately so. You’ll be fighting 2 Fearless and 1 Fairness. That means that, since Fairness only become docile when they’re in pairs, all of these enemies will be trying their hardest to rape you with full force in the vagina, mouth and ass.

Theoretically you only have a limited number of punches and kicks but the Kilgore combo does such an obscene amount of damage that this is really a non-issue. That’s what you’ll be using exclusively in this fight.

You’ll want to kill the Fairness first because he’s the more dangerous one. His fireballs have little to no warning, he jumps at you much more aggresively and his screech is basically a “fuck you”.

The start of the fight is a great time to score some early damage on him. As soon as it starts, they’ll appear and roar. This gives you enough time to quickly run up to the Fairness (he’s the one in the middle) and do a full Kilgore combo to take off as much as half his HP. Just remember to dodge immediately, and maybe even before the combo completely finishes because the other ones will try to swipe you. Something to keep in mind is that it’s better to hit him from the sides because he’s less likely to parry or get away. If he does it’s no big deal. Just means you missed the chance for free damage.

Once the fight has properly started, of course, you don’t want to go up to them and combo them. You’ll just get your ass kicked. While you CAN do that to a single Fearless while its tail is up, no luck when he’s got a posse that’s got his back. So what I recommend doing is running away to the edge of the arena away from them, and making sure they’re a moderate distance away, off camera, and start whiffing the first hits of the Kilgore combo, then turning around and making the rockets and wicked weave hit them. This will usually do a lot of damage and is quite safe since they won’t attack you while off camera (unless they were preparing an attack BEFORE they went off camera).

If they charge at you and smack their head on the wall, that’s a great opportunity to land a full combo, but DON’T do it if the others are nearby. Once the Fairness is dead, you can actually get near a Fearless and land combos on them while they’re tail is raised, but again, don’t do it if the other one is onscreen. If they’re close to each other just keep doing the previous strategy.

Eventually you’ll have built up a little magic, and it’s probably a good idea to activate Pulley’s Butterfly when you do. It’s not like you can even use tortures in this Alfheim, plus, once you beat all 3 of those guys you’ll be SURPRISE jumped by a single Joy. She’s dangerous but it’s not as big of a deal as if there were 3 of them like previously in this chapter. And by this time you should have butterflies protecting you so there’s not a lot to worry about.

Fight her in the same way you fought the Joys in this chapter. Use the PPPKKK combo to sweep her off her feet and hold the kicks to hit her with Durga bombs for huge damage. Other than that, you should know how to fight her from verse 8 in this chapter. Don’t worry about keeping the combo going during this Alfheim. It’s not necessary. Just focus on finishing that fight without getting hit and you’ll get the pure platinum.

After that, simply return all the way to where you fought Golem and then go through the door to finish the chapter!

Chapter 10

Aight dogg, sorry to piss on your party but we ain’t outta paradiso yet. Yeah. I know. This place sucks a ball. But what can ya do.

Verse 1

As soon as the chapter starts you’ll be assaulted by a team of 3 Joys. Good thing we already know how to take care of them, and if you have full magic, which you should because it’s the start of the fucking chapter, you’ll be able to use the same strategy we used in the previous chapter to pure platinum these hoes. Just in case you need a refresher, I guess I could do you the favor and repost it:

Like that verse a while back, I don’t recommend using the Kilgore combo against these enemies because they will almost always parry it. Instead, use the PPPKK combo on them. This seems to have much more success. For one thing, they are much less likely to parry it, and the kicks also knock them right off their feet! When doing those sweeps, keep the button pressed to make Durga’s bomb go off for massive damage on them! This works great, plus it has massive blast radius so sometimes even if they dodge it’ll still hit them. Just don’t try it if they have the whip equipped or you’re getting dominated. That shit’s got supreme range.

Since you’ll have Pulley’s Butterfly activated, sometimes it’s best to simply take a hit in the interest of continuing the combo and getting in those Durga bombs to damage them.

Another good time to attack them is right when they initiate their gay move where they summon a bunch of flying feather thingies to home in on you. If you see her start this, immediately combo her to both stop it and get some good damage in.

Another thing to note is that if you see them dodging a BUNCH, know that right after their final big dodge they WILL attack, so that’s a good opportunity to dodge and then get some offense going because you can anticipate it.

Joys have low health and defense so that’s also another advantage you have. A torture combo will take off 3/4s of their HP, which is a lot. And in fact you are basically FORCED to use torture combos in this fight because if you don’t, you can bet you probably won’t get the combo points you need for that pure platinum.

Finally, remember that they have access to many weapons. Their regular form where they only have punches and kicks isn’t too bad. This is the form you want to fight in general. When they have that bigass sword they’re a little more dangerous. They love to do a launcher followed by a helm breaker. If you manage to dodge the launcher, they will stay in the air for about 2 seconds before coming back down. Don’t assume that just because you walked under them that it will miss you! They have the power to change their direction in midair and hit you no matter where you run, so instead, wait for them to come down and dodge again, then start a combo on their ass.

The whip. God, the whip. This one is the most dangerous shit. It’s so god damn fast and has deceptive range. Don’t assume you can react to this bullshit! You can’t! Or maybe I just have shitty reactions… Either way, your best bet is to anticipate the attacks and dodge. Just in general remember that they will attack if you’re in range so that will give you the anticipation you need to dodge their ultra fast whip.

However, by far the gayest thing about this fight is that you need a lot of combo points and getting them with Joys is NOT easy since they’re so tough. But necessity is the mother of invention, and I will now tell you a great way to kill these sluts fast, with the combo points you need, and with little skill required. It relies on having full magic, so make sure you don’t use Pulley’s Butterfly before the fight itself. The strategy is simply this: start a torture combo on one. As soon as it ends, start whiffing PPP and then do a single sweep with K, holding down the button. You’ll sweep her and the durga bomb will finish her off easily. Then jump over to the next one and initiate a torture combo on her. Repeat the same thing to finish her off easily as well, and then repeat for the third one. With this method you’ll kill them all FAST, your combo will never break, and they’ll basically not get to do SHIT to you.

With that little strategy they shouldn’t pose much of a problem. After the fight, jump down the large hole in the floor. See, Paradiso makes no sense man! No sense at all.

Verse 2

Careful because you’ll be greeted by 3 Harmonies when you hit the floor. Kill them with some quick Shuraba PKP combos and dodge when you see them flash blue. There’s a huge set of gears in the center of this town square, but it’s missing all of ’em. It’s not hard to spot them though. Just break the 4 walls you find to the north, south, east and west side (which we all know is the best side). Careful though because you’ll find 2 more Harmonies here. Each is guarding one of the walls. It’s nothing to write home about since they’re fighting you one on one though. Don’t use any tortures on any of them because once you repair the last cog, a Gracious and Glorious will appear.

You should have built up at least one full meter by now with the Harmonies. If you want to make this fight with Gracious and Glorious drop dead easy, simply build up to at least 2 full meters with the Harmonies by using taunts. Then you can simply use the same great strategy we used back in chapter VIII to own these fools. Don’t remember it? Here you go:

Anyway. Go ahead and activate Pulley’s Butterfly at the start if you want to make things easier. A good way to own these guys is to first get some distance by running away as panther, then turning around and start whiffing the first hits of a Kilgore combo. The rockets will hit them for good free damage even if they’re far away, and if they happen to close the distance it will get them for even more safe damage. Well. I say safe damage but you have to make sure that IF they parry you midcombo, you immediately dodge away to avoid their counter attack. Plus, you also have to make sure the other dude ain’t doing none of his bullshit. If you see the lightning one charging up for his rush attack, get away. If you see him charge up his shockwave attack that sends electricity through the floor, jump up and hang in the air with your pistols if you have to. Same deal goes if the fire one does his spinning move, though that one is pretty damn slow and thus not that dangerous. Something to keep in mind, though, is that Kilgore rockets stop ALL of these moves cold. So if you see one charging but a rocket is about to hit him, just ignore it and keep the combo going.

Alternatively, I will now tell you a REALLY great trick you can use to ANNIHILATE these guys in record time, with no risk, and with ultimate combo points: firstly you need to make sure you have one full meter for each enemy. Now, start a torture attack on one of them. As SOON as it ends start a Kilgore combo. This will cause you to move past him as he recovers from the torture, but by the time you activate the rocket part, you will turn around and be hitting him in the back! That means you will get him with the full important part of the combo and he won’t be able to parry at all! This will finish him off. Then you move on to the next one, initiate a torture combo on him and repeat for this one. See? Ultimate. Well, ok, it’s not actually COMPLETELY risk free, you do have to watch out if the other dude’s too close he will hit you out of the combo. But really, with this trick it’s very easy, and if you combine it with Pulley’s Butterfly you don’t even have to worry about getting hit by the other guy! If you only have one meter, you’ll only be able to use this method to kill one guy, and then you’ll have to kill the other one normally. Which isn’t too hard, really. I mean, it’s only one enemy.

Anyway, after that verse is done, get on that pole and spin it around. This will rotate the island you’re on. You can rotate it twice. One time to set a path to a small platform with a chest and an Alfheim portal, and one time to set a path to the next part of the level. Obviously we need to do that Alfheim, so get to that platform and go inside!

Verse 3

So in this Alfheim you’re supposed to kill all the enemies but only wicked weaves can damage them. As usual, I recommend going with Shuraba and using the PKP combo. It’s relatively fast, has good range, can hit multiple enemies if you’re lucky, and does excellent damage.

So, also as usual, what you want to do is get some distance away from this gaggle of angels (you’ll be fighting lots), preferably with Panther, run to the edge of the arena away from them, then turn around, whiff the first two hits and then hit them with the wicked weave. Make sure the enemies are a moderate distance away. You want to whiff those two first hits ’cause if you don’t, you’ll be stunned and probably hit. And that’s NO GOOD. It’s literally impossible to keep the combo going this way, but don’t worry, the designers have taken that into account and the combo pts you need are correspondingly low.

If you see the angels approaching you too soon don’t be afraid to abort the combo by dodging and trying to search for a better position. You have quite a bit of time. Keep killing them all in this way and eventually you’ll face Glory and Grace. Use the same tactic to kill them. Something that you might want to keep in mind is that it seems to work better to keep them on camera while running away and whiffing those hits. Why? Because if they’re off camera they won’t be able to do any of their attacks until they’re on camera, so what happens is that they try their DAMNED hardest to get on camera, and since they’re so god damn fast, that results in you never being able to get off any PKP combos because they’re always right on top of you. On the other hand, if you keep them on camera, they might hang back by using any of their attacks like the lightning discharge or the flame spin. This’ll give you enough time to get off PKP combos, but just remember to dodge those attacks.

Keep doing this until they both die. By this point you should now be fully locked and loaded with magic. So what you should do now is QUICKLY activate Pulley’s Butterfly. Because once that last Glory or Grace dies, you’ll be ganked by two Joys, and you know these hoes are THE most dangerous bitches in the game. Even moreso right now that you ain’t got access to torture attacks. Or, anything really, other than wicked weaves.

The strategy will not change. Again, you want to whiff those first two hits and hit them with the wicked weave. And again, it’s in your best interest to keep those Joys on camera because they are even FASTER than Glory and Grace. MUCH faster. They are the fastest bitches in all the land. But of course. That also means you have to watch out for their attacks. Just because you’re being protected by butterflies doesn’t mean you can go to sleep on these hoes. They can eat through your barrier like NOTHING, especially when they have the whip equipped. Hey that kind of rhymed! Why am I even writing this? I should’ve been a rapper! Uh, where was I? Oh right. You know the deal with their attacks:

Run up to them and they will GENERALLY attack you as soon as you’re in range, so expect this and dodge. Then get away and try to initiate a PKP combo.

Another good time to attack them is right when they initiate their gay move where they summon a bunch of flying feather thingies to home in on you. If you see her start this, try to hit her out of it. It’s really hard since regular hits do nothing to them in this Alfheim though, so most of the time, when you see that attack you’ll just want to dodge it. I recommend jumping in the air and then dodging a bunch of times to make sure it doesn’t hit you.

Another thing to note is that if you see them dodging a BUNCH, know that right after their final big dodge they WILL attack, so that’s a good opportunity to dodge and then get some offense going because you can anticipate it.

Finally, remember that they have access to many weapons. Their regular form where they only have punches and kicks isn’t too bad. This is the form you want to fight in general. When they have that bigass sword they’re a little more dangerous. They love to do a launcher followed by a helm breaker. If you manage to dodge the launcher, they will stay in the air for about 2 seconds before coming back down. Don’t assume that just because you walked under them that it will miss you! They have the power to change their direction in midair and hit you no matter where you run, so instead, wait for them to come down and dodge again, then get away and try to start a PKP combo.

The whip. God, the whip. This one is the most dangerous shit. It’s so god damn fast and has deceptive range. Don’t assume you can react to this bullshit! You can’t! Or maybe I just have shitty reactions… Either way, your best bet is to anticipate the attacks and dodge. Just in general remember that they will attack if you’re in range so that will give you the anticipation you need to dodge their ultra fast whip. This bitch’ll eat right through your butterflies in record time, so if you see the whip, BE AFRAID.

Whenever you manage to hit one with a wicked weave she’ll get knocked back, and if you can then quickly dodge and start another one before she recovers you might be able to get into a nice groove. Either way, just keep doing this until they’re dead. Long as you don’t get hit you’ll get that pure platinum almost guaranteed.

Anyway, get outta there and go back. Spin the island again. There’s another chest up on the arch when you exit the plaza, if you’re interested. It’s in the same place as the Alfheim was in chapter II. But anyway, jump over to the next island (in panther mode). As you walk down this path the next verse will trigger.

Verse 4

This isn’t anything too special. You’ll be fighting about 5 Harmonies. Switch to the shuraba and kill them with some quick PKP combos, just be careful once they get near you. If they flash blue, dodge. Go ahead and use tortures on them, you don’t need them for the next verse, plus, you will find some purple butterflies in the vases around this part. You might even be able to get off 4 tortures! Though it’s definitely not necessary. Just kill ’em all!

Once that’s taken care of keep walking down the stairs to the open square below.

Verse 5

This verse is FREE. I actually laughed like Satoko in Higurashi when I did this verse because it’s really that laughably easy. You get weeaboo points if you know what I’m talking about. If not maybe you should watch Higurashi No Naku Koro Ni. Oh yeah, you got that right. I just plugged an anime right in the middle of the guide where NO ONE is even going to see it. Because let’s face it, does anyone actually read guides in full? No. I could say all my deepest, darkest secrets here and no one would even know! It’s like writing in a diary. Too bad I don’t really have any dark secrets though. I’m about as clean as they come. Or wait, maybe the fact that I’m so pure is a dark secret?!

Woah, now that was a tangent. Where was I? Oh right. Well, as soon as the verse starts you’ll be jumped by a mini Fortitudo. But this guy is GIMP as all hell. He basically ain’t got no health. All you have to do is wait for him to try to bite you, and when he does his head will get buried in the ground. Then do a full Kilgore combo on him to take him right down to half HP. Simply repeat to kill him. Try not to stay too close to him since he’s more likely to get you with his quick bites and flamethrowers there.

Once he does, a gimped Temperantia will appear over to the north. How do I know it’s north? I don’t actually. It just…FEELS like north, y’know? He’ll be floating a bit away from the platform so you can’t immediately get near him, though you CAN whiff the first hits of the Kilgore combo and then get him from a distance with the rockets. Just watch out for his attacks. He’ll try to shoot you with his own rockets and his eye lasers so if you see him start these attacks, stop what you’re doing and get ready to dodge. When he raises his fist, that means he’s about to try and smash you. Anticipate the attack, then when you’ve dodged try to hit his hand a little. There’s not much time to do so though, considering we don’t have witch time to work with. Eventually he’ll put his face near the platform, and that’s basically when you can go to town on him. If you do a lot of damage you’ll even dizzy him and then be able to do even more damage and probably outright kill him right there. Like Fortitudo, he has barely any HP so he’ll die fast.

After the fight, walk up to the next island with the church and the next faggot will hit the island, making it spin around. It’s no big deal. Just wait for it to spin and jump over to it when you’re able to.

Verse 6

Inside the church there will be 5 Enchants all hunkered down on the floor ready to blast your ass. The verse won’t start until you step into the church. You can actually kill the first one with Shuraba’s PKP combo from outside the church, which is kind of funny. Eventually you’ll have to enter though. The Enchants are a LOT more dangerous when they’re stationary so what you’ll want to do is force them to get up. How? Well, simply turn the camera around and make it face towards a corner away from them. While they’re off camera they’re unable to shoot you, which means they’re forced to get up and come to you if they hope to do anything. That’s when you start a Kilgore combo and rape them all!

After the fight, get out of the church, wait for the island you’re on to spin until you see a green tunnel, and then jump through it to the next island.

Verse 7

God fucking dammit. This verse is a NIGHTMARE. Three of the gayest enemies in the entire game all at once? Sorry but Pulley’s Butterfly is practically a must here. Activate it as soon as you land. All 3 Kinships will immediately shoot their flurry of rockets at you. Do your best to dodge them all by jumping up and spamming the dodge button, although chances are you’ll still get hit at least once, because you need to dodge twice to fully avoid each Kinship rocket flurry, and there are 3 Kinships… and you can only dodge 5 times in a row. But just in general it’s just so damn hard to avoid such an assault. That’s why Pulley’s Butterfly is so damn important. Also when jumping around and dodging, be careful not to accidentally jump off the platform and fall to your doom. That would suck.

You can shoot the rockets to destroy them, but this isn’t reliable at ALL. Especially when there are so god damn many of them. At least dodging is 80% reliable.

After you’ve finished dodging all that bullshit though, you’ll have a small window of opportunity where you can jump onto the first Kinship. Try to do a Kilgore combo on its core to kill it fast, but chances are they’ll start shooting you again at this point. And now you don’t even have any space to move around in. Your best bet here is simply to stand still and SPAM that dodge button as the rockets are about to hit you. Since you still have butterflies protecting you, even if you get hit once it shouldn’t matter. Once the rockets are gone finish off the Kinship you’re on, and then move on to the next one. If your butterflies have run out though, make SURE you activate it again before going on.

I’m sorry but there verse is complete bullshit, plain and simple. And for that reason I will now give you the most foolproof strategy you can use to win this with about 80% certainty, and with minimal skill required.

Basically, you first make sure Pulley’s Butterfly is activated. When the kinships shoot their first rocket barrage, instead of trying to dodge them while on the platform, simply jump up onto the first kinship, and start the Kilgore combo on his core while COMPLETELY ignoring the rockets. Don’t even dodge once. Just let the butterflies absorb all the hits. The Kilgore combo will destroy some of them, and the other ones will take your butterflies. You’ll kill the first kinship, and chances are very high that you won’t have any butterflies around you anymore. So as soon as you kill the first kinship, dodge cancel out of your move and activate Pulley’s Butterfly again. Then jump up onto the second Kinship, again completely ignoring all the rockets and kill him with another Kilgore combo. The third Kinship is likely to shoot his huge laser. This one, however, you can’t ignore. It’s too powerful. So if you see him charge it, get out of the way! Then jump on him and finish him with a third combo.

Sigh. Anyway, after the fight, you can jump on the big platform of light to find a chest. There’s also another platform with a chest farther off but you need to turn into a crow to get to it. Whatever though. Go back to the solid platform below, walk towards where the arrow is pointing and jump on the small platforms of spiritual energy to the next island.

You’ll have to cross a long bridge with a bunch of tentacles trying to smash you. It’s easy though. Simply turn into a Panther and run along the bridge hugging the wall the entire time. They won’t be able to touch you. Once you get past, break the statue of a Fairness, then turn left and walk down the stairs to trigger the next verse…

Verse 8

Nothing special. Just Gracious and Glorious. You’ve already fought these guys previously in the chapter. Use the same strategies. You should have close to full magic meter at this point, so it’s no big deal. I guess I could paste the strategy again:

Anyway. Go ahead and activate Pulley’s Butterfly at the start if you want to make things easier. A good way to own these guys is to first get some distance by running away as panther, then turning around and start whiffing the first hits of a Kilgore combo. The rockets will hit them for good free damage even if they’re far away, and if they happen to close the distance it will get them for even more safe damage. Well. I say safe damage but you have to make sure that IF they parry you midcombo, you immediately dodge away to avoid their counter attack. Plus, you also have to make sure the other dude ain’t doing none of his bullshit. If you see the lightning one charging up for his rush attack, get away. If you see him charge up his shockwave attack that sends electricity through the floor, jump up and hang in the air with your pistols if you have to. Same deal goes if the fire one does his spinning move, though that one is pretty damn slow and thus not that dangerous. Something to keep in mind, though, is that Kilgore rockets stop ALL of these moves cold. So if you see one charging but a rocket is about to hit him, just ignore it and keep the combo going.

Alternatively, I will now tell you a REALLY great trick you can use to ANNIHILATE these guys in record time, with no risk, and with ultimate combo points: firstly you need to make sure you have one full meter for each enemy. Now, start a torture attack on one of them. As SOON as it ends start a Kilgore combo. This will cause you to move past him as he recovers from the torture, but by the time you activate the rocket part, you will turn around and be hitting him in the back! That means you will get him with the full important part of the combo and he won’t be able to parry at all! This will finish him off. Then you move on to the next one, initiate a torture combo on him and repeat for this one. See? Ultimate. Well, ok, it’s not actually COMPLETELY risk free, you do have to watch out if the other dude’s too close he will hit you out of the combo. But really, with this trick it’s very easy, and if you combine it with Pulley’s Butterfly you don’t even have to worry about getting hit by the other guy! If you only have one meter, you’ll only be able to use this method to kill one guy, and then you’ll have to kill the other one normally. Which isn’t too hard, really. I mean, it’s only one enemy.

Anyway, after the fight you’ll be in a corridor with a bunch of spikes. It’s not too hard to avoid them. Simply keep running and when you see the floor light up beneath you, dodge. Preferably jump and dodge. Keep going until you reach the portal to the Gates of Hell.

Now stop. What you want to do now is go back. Through the spike trap corridor, back through the bridge with the tentacles. And Alfheim has popped up here, and we need to do it. So go inside!

Verse 9

Don’t worry, this one’s easy! It’s one of those Alfheims where you have to kill the enemies with Angel Arms. Except Angel Arms are MONEY. So it’s no problem at all.

First off, you’ll face some Dear and Decorations. Since these enemies are weak and numerous, I recommend grabbing the spear and pressing K to do the spinning pole attack. This will likely kill them all. If there are any left, just keep grabbing the spear and doing that attack over and over.

Once they’re all dead, you’ll face 3 Glories/Graces. For these guys you’ll want to pick up the bow. If you’re really fast you can pick it up before they appear, ready it while they’re appearing, and then shoot the first one that appears multiple times before the other 2 show up and kill him. Then you’ll have it much easier since you’ll only have to deal with 2 dudes. To take care of them, just keep using the bow. Turn into panther and run away to get some distance. Try to keep the camera on them. Why? Because if they’re off camera they won’t be able to do any of their attacks until they’re on camera, so what happens is that they try their DAMNED hardest to get on camera, and since they’re so god damn fast, that results in you never being able to get off any attacks because they’re always right on top of you. On the other hand, if you keep them on camera, they might hang back by using any of their attacks like the lightning discharge or the flame spin. This’ll give you enough time to cock the bow and shoot, but just remember to dodge those attacks. Once you start shooting the bow you can fire it much more rapidly, and it’s so strong that it stuns them, so try to keep shooting them until they die.

Once they do, you’ll be facing some Braves. Again, pick up the bow. These guys are slow, but the bow does NOT make them flinch. So you want to turn into Panther, get some distance and start shooting at them, but once they get near you, stop and run away again. Just keep doing this until they die and that’s it for this Alfheim! Easy! If they merge into their true form, don’t worry, just keep using the same strategy. The only difference is that the big guy is a little faster so you won’t be able to get off as many shots at once.

After that Alfheim, return all the way back through the bridge with the tentacles and through the spike corridor to the portal to the Gates of Hell. Now WAIT. There’s an optional verse here that we need to complete. Hit the wall in front of the portal to break it, and in the distance you’ll see a platform with a chest and 2 statues. Turn into a panther and jump over there.

Verse 10

Break one of the statues to reveal that they’re actually Gracious and Glorious. Be careful though. Break it with a PKP combo and IMMEDIATELY dodge after the wicked weave to avoid their surprise attack. Then simply smoke those bitches like we’ve already done several times in this chapter. You should have full magic from the previous Alfheim so it shouldn’t be a problem. Yet again, I’ll paste the strategy:

Anyway. Go ahead and activate Pulley’s Butterfly at the start if you want to make things easier. A good way to own these guys is to first get some distance by running away as panther, then turning around and start whiffing the first hits of a Kilgore combo. The rockets will hit them for good free damage even if they’re far away, and if they happen to close the distance it will get them for even more safe damage. Well. I say safe damage but you have to make sure that IF they parry you midcombo, you immediately dodge away to avoid their counter attack. Plus, you also have to make sure the other dude ain’t doing none of his bullshit. If you see the lightning one charging up for his rush attack, get away. If you see him charge up his shockwave attack that sends electricity through the floor, jump up and hang in the air with your pistols if you have to. Same deal goes if the fire one does his spinning move, though that one is pretty damn slow and thus not that dangerous. Something to keep in mind, though, is that Kilgore rockets stop ALL of these moves cold. So if you see one charging but a rocket is about to hit him, just ignore it and keep the combo going.

Alternatively, I will now tell you a REALLY great trick you can use to ANNIHILATE these guys in record time, with no risk, and with ultimate combo points: firstly you need to make sure you have one full meter for each enemy. Now, start a torture attack on one of them. As SOON as it ends start a Kilgore combo. This will cause you to move past him as he recovers from the torture, but by the time you activate the rocket part, you will turn around and be hitting him in the back! That means you will get him with the full important part of the combo and he won’t be able to parry at all! This will finish him off. Then you move on to the next one, initiate a torture combo on him and repeat for this one. See? Ultimate. Well, ok, it’s not actually COMPLETELY risk free, you do have to watch out if the other dude’s too close he will hit you out of the combo. But really, with this trick it’s very easy, and if you combine it with Pulley’s Butterfly you don’t even have to worry about getting hit by the other guy! If you only have one meter, you’ll only be able to use this method to kill one guy, and then you’ll have to kill the other one normally. Which isn’t too hard, really. I mean, it’s only one enemy.

After the fight, grab the chest if you feel like it, then jump down to the area below.

Verse 11

The last verse of this chapter is completely free! You’ll be facing a bunch of Braves, but guess what? You have some turbomega witch time statues right there! And they work! Activate witch time with them and then RAPE these motherfuckers with some hard Kilgore combos. Keep reapplying witch time as many times as you have to. Remember that after killing the first Brave, a cutscene will happen which will make witch time wear off faster than normal. Keep obliterating these fools and eventually Inspired will start coming out. They’re NOTHING either, although for them you might not want to use witch time since it prevents you from being able to go under water. That means when you shoot them out of the sky and they fall down, you wouldn’t be able to damage them. So do it outside witch time. Stay on the platform and keep shooting them until they fall, then dive into the drink and do a full Kilgore combo on their face! They’re really weak so one should be enough to kill them.

Keep doing this for all the Inspired that show up and the verse will be done! See, easy street! Then, simply activate witch time one last time, walk on the water, and wall jump up over to the portal. Go through it to finish the chapter.

Phew. Oh my lawd. I’m ready for a boss, how about you?

Chapter 11

Anyway, this chapter, as usual, only has 1 verse but it’s actually broken down into two separate fights.

Verse 1

You start fighting some weaksauce angels in some dumb woods. What are you even doing there? Who knows man. I don’t watch the cutscenes so I barely ever have any idea what’s going on in this game. Probably for the best.

This part isn’t tough at all, it’s pretty much just free points for us. The only mildly dangerous foe is a single Ardor, which you can easily take care of with two torture attacks. ‘s not like you’re going to use them in the upcoming boss battle. Kill the little guys with some hard Kilgore combos and try to keep the combo going the entire time so you get the most points possible. It’ll come in handy.

Once that’s over, and after skipping some more cutscenes, we finally get to fight Iustitia! Back in Normal and Hard it was pretty easy to just hang back, wait for him to throw his tongue out, dodge, activate witch time and combo him before it retracted. Obviously now that won’t be possible. So how should you be fighting this punk?

Honestly? I recommend getting right up in his FACE and keep punching him, but don’t commit to a full Kilgore combo or anything like that so that you can keep some focus for all his incoming attacks. Here’s what you should watch out for:

If Iustitia spits out a seed and plants it, stop what you’re doing and destroy it with a few punches before going back to hitting him. If you don’t… it might later hit you when you least expect it.

Keep a close eye on his face and also his two tentacles. Learn the cues for his tentacle attacks. When you see one move, do a quick dodge to avoid getting smacked. When you see his tongue-face pull back, that means he’s about to thrust it out, so dodge out of the way. When you see him lift it, that means he’s going smack it down on the floor. Sometimes the tentacles will throw out some jizz on the floor. You can ignore it, but don’t step on it or you’ll get stuck.

There is a single best time to attack Iustitia: when one of his tentacles starts throwing some purple mist all over the platform, get RIGHT up on his face and do a full Kilgore combo. Don’t worry about the purple mist. As long as you’re right in front of his face it can’t do jack to you. And it takes him a longass time to finish the attack, which gives you plenty of time to finish the combo.

Another good time to attack him (though not as good as the previous), is when both his tentacles go down. That means he’s about to lift some rocks and throw them at you. Do a full Kilgore combo on his face while he’s doing this. Purple rings on the ground will indicate to you where the rocks will fall, so if you’re on top of a purple ring, dodge when the rocks fall.

Sometimes the tentacles will begin beating on the platform you’re on and eventually destroy it. They won’t hit you but when this happens you have to watch out because when they finish beating on the platform the tongue-face will smash down and this CAN hit you, so jump up and dodge when it comes down. Then you’ll be on the air. You can do a few airborne Kilgore combos to damage him a little here but try not to do it too much because he can still hit you during this part. Just let yourself fall, and you’ll get the prompt to avoid his tentacle and reset the situation.

After dealing enough damage to him, his tongue-face will get dizzy and fall down on the ground. Jump on top of it. Then turn into a panther and run the entire length of the tongue up to Iustitia’s main face. The only thing you have to watch out for are buzz saws of spiritual energy that materialize along the tongue. But they materialize a ways in front of you so you have plenty of time to react and dodge through them.

When you get up to the main face, throw out a few punches if you want but don’t commit to anything because after about 1-2 seconds one of the tentacles will try to swipe you. Anticipate that and dodge it. Once you’ve dodged that, do a full combo on the face until you get the cutscene where you slash his tongue off. Erk.

You’ll now be back on a platform. Now Iustitia’s tentacles will be shattering platforms a ways away and coming to yours. Turn into a panther and jump over to the next platform AWAY from where the tentacles are coming. Jump 3 platforms away, and then you’ll be able to fight the next tongue. Fight it in exactly the same way you did the previous one. Once you do enough damage to it, one of the tentacles will reach down below and grab a huge rock and throw it at you. Don’t worry, when he does, you’ll get the prompt for a climax attack. Take it, and shatter the rock to dizzy this tongue. Then jump on top of it, turn into a panther, run along the length to the main face and rape it the same way you did previously.

After the cutscene you’ll be back on a platform. Turn into a panther again and jump 3 platforms over away from where the tentacles are coming from. You’ll now fight the final tongue, except now he’s added 2 new moves to his repertoire. The first one is one where his tentacles try to lunge at you and grab you. You don’t have to worry about this though, because the cue is the same as any other tentacle attacks. The other new move is definitely his most dangerous one: his tongue will… uh… beat itself up on the floor. This move is dangerous because it’s RIDICULOUSLY fast. You can’t react to it. It also only hits you if you’re right near his face, which you will be. What can you do? Well, you have two options. You can either go the balls of steel method and keep staying near his face, and anticipate when he will do this move to dodge it (i.e: whenever he’s about to start a new attack, dodge away just in case it’s this move). Or, if you want to be safe, you can stay a mid distance away from him where this move can’t reach you (but you can still hit him with yours) and only get in his face to attack him when the tentacle is dropping the purple load.

Anyway, once you’ve dealt enough damage, one of the tentacles will drop down to get a rock just like last time. The prompt for climax will come up. Take it, but be careful because this time, you will get a second prompt and will have to do it again! This will cause the tongue to get dizzy. Just get on it, and then run up to the main face to end it just like you already did twice previously.

That’s it for this boss! Getting the combo points you need isn’t hard at all since you almost never stop hitting him during each phase.

Chapter 12

Ahhh finally we are out of that shithole known as Paradiso. This level isn’t too bad. Some people think it’s boring since it’s just a rusty plane but I think it’s alright. I also kind of like the music a little bit.

Verse 1

If you walk forward a little bit, verse 1 will trigger. And there’s no battle going on! That means to end the verse we have to get over to the end of this hallway. As you make your way through it be careful with the wicked weaves destroying the plane. Don’t worry too much though because the cues are long and easy to spot. Basically every time you see that purple light, don’t be there or you’ll get hit.

Anyway, there’s a chest behind the chain link fence to your right at the start, in case you care. Used to have a witch heart. There’s also another chest further down the hall about halfway through. Here, some enemies will also appear. You have to kill them, but keep in mind that the number of combo points you need for pure platinum in this verse is pretty high. Just killing the enemies normally isn’t gonna cut it. You’ll be facing one Ardor and two little angels. What I recommend doing is killing the Ardor first with two tortures, and then the 2 other guys with a Kilgore combo, but keep the combo going in between or you won’t get the points you need.

Alternatively, you might also want to keep full magic for the next verse, which is way harder than this one. In that case, I recommend going down the stairs and killing the first small angel with a Kilgore combo, then taunt, wait for the other two to teleport down to where you are, then kill the Ardor with two torture combos. Then let the last angel live while you taunt, shoot and dodge his attacks until your magic is back to full, then kill it. Don’t worry about time, there’s plenty. You can also try to kill the Ardor normally but this is harder because you have to combo him in the back or he will parry, and you can’t rely on the Evil Harvest Rosary to stun him because it deals too much damage and gives few points. That’s why I recommend using tortures. But anyway.

Keep advancing to the end, then kick open the door to finish the verse. In the next room, just down and move towards the huge boxes to activate a scene where you fall off the plane. You’ll activate witch time, then just keep pressing jump to get back on the plane. Once you do, avoid the boxes sliding off because they will damage you.

Verse 2

At this point, the next verse will start and you’ll have to fight 3 Gracious/Glorious. As always, these guys are a bit of a bitch, but we already know how to take care of them.

Anyway. Go ahead and activate Pulley’s Butterfly at the start if you want to make things easier. A good way to own these guys is to first get some distance by running away as panther, then turning around and start whiffing the first hits of a Kilgore combo. The rockets will hit them for good free damage even if they’re far away, and if they happen to close the distance it will get them for even more safe damage. Well. I say safe damage but you have to make sure that IF they parry you midcombo, you immediately dodge away to avoid their counter attack. Plus, you also have to make sure the other dudes ain’t doing none of their bullshit. If you see the lightning one charging up for his rush attack, get away. If you see him charge up his shockwave attack that sends electricity through the floor, jump up and hang in the air with your pistols if you have to. Same deal goes if the fire one does his spinning move, though that one is pretty damn slow and thus not that dangerous. Something to keep in mind, though, is that Kilgore rockets stop ALL of these moves cold. So if you see one charging but a rocket is about to hit him, just ignore it and keep the combo going.

Alternatively, I will now tell you a REALLY great trick you can use to ANNIHILATE these guys in record time, with no risk, and with ultimate combo points: firstly you need to make sure you have one full meter for each enemy. Now, start a torture attack on one of them. As SOON as it ends start a Kilgore combo. This will cause you to move past him as he recovers from the torture, but by the time you activate the rocket part, you will turn around and be hitting him in the back! That means you will get him with the full important part of the combo and he won’t be able to parry at all! This will finish him off. Then you move on to the next one, initiate a torture combo on him and repeat for this one. Then do a torture on the last one and repeat to finish them all off. See? Ultimate. Well, ok, it’s not actually COMPLETELY risk free, you do have to watch out if the other dudes are too close they’ll hit you out of the combo. But really, with this trick it’s very easy, and if you combine it with Pulley’s Butterfly you don’t even have to worry about getting hit by the other guys! If you only have two meters, you’ll only be able to use this method to kill two guys, and then you’ll have to kill the other one normally. Which isn’t too hard, really. I mean, it’s only one enemy.

But yeah. That’s why it’s a good idea to keep full magic during the previous verse so you can off these guys easily.

But wait! We’re not done yet. I told you this verse was no joke! Keep walking forward after popping those guys and you’ll now have to fight 3 Ardors!! And worse yet, they are all on FIRE! That means if you try to hit them, you will take damage. Don’t despair though. If you used the trick I told you to kill the Gracious and Glorious gang you should already have enough combo points for pure platinum. So you don’t have to do anything too fancy on these guys. Make sure you have the Evil Harvest Rosary equipped, and simply dodge their attacks. Let the magical counterattack do all the dirty work. Eventually you should get enough meter for a torture attack, go ahead and use it. Keep dodging their attacks and eventually they will get stunned. If their fire has been extinguished too, get behind them and do a full combo on their back for big damage, just watch out for the other guys. If they are stunned but their fire is still raging, shoot them a bit and maybe that will kill the fire.

Either way, as long as you don’t take big risks you shouldn’t get hit and once these 3 fools are smoked the verse will end.

Now then. Don’t advance yet. There are a couple optional verses we need to take care of. Go back, and jump on the pipes to the right, then jump up on the catwalk above it to find a chest. Then turn into a panther and jump over to the platform where you originally entered this room from. But yeah, kick open the door we originally entered from, and make your way allll the way back to the start of the level. Jeanne is still doing her retarded wicked weaves so watch out. When you get back to the start of the level the next verse will trigger.

Verse 3

4 little angels will appear here. Be careful because they’re on fire. God DAMN it I hate that. If you’re fast, you can get a little bit of distance, whiff the first hits of a Kilgore combo while they’re spawning, and then get them with the rockets and wicked weave once they’ve spawned. After that though, simply dodge one of their hits to activate the Evil Harvest Rosary’s counterattack, which will kill, stun, send flying and or knock down most if not all of them. Then simply shoot them to extinguish their flame and combo them for the kill. After that a single Ardor will appear. He’s also on fire so be careful. You should already have 2 magic bars by now, so a couple torture combos should easily take care of him.

Once you’ve dealt with these guys an Alfheim portal will appear. Go inside. We doin’ this!

Verse 4

Ahhhhh this Alfheim would be a complete nightmare, but thankfully it’s short, which reduces the difficulty by quite a bit. It’s an Out of Body battle, which means you won’t be able to damage the enemies until you leave your body somewhere, but the enemies are ALSO on fire, which makes this even more annoying.

First of all, it’s imperative that you have the Evil Harvest Rosary equipped. When the fight starts, hang back near the entrance until the 3 angels come over to you. When the first one attacks you, dodge, turn into a panther, and run all the way to the opposite end of the arena. Quickly leave your body there, then run back to the center where the angels should now be. They will swing at you. Dodge, and this time the magical counter will hit them all and send them flying.

Start shooting the one that landed closest to your vulnerable body until his fire extinguishes, then kill him with a combo. Usually the second one is nearby and you can use the wicked weave at the end to kill him too. The third one will now come running to you. Just dodge his attack to kill him.

Next, 3 Harmonies will appear. These aren’t on fire, and they tend to not go for your body so they’re not too bad. You can either kill them with Shuraba PKP combos or Kilgore combos (though most of it won’t usually hit). It’s up to you.

Once these are dead, a shitload of angels will appear. About 5 little ones and one Ardor. Stay somewhat close to your body so that they target you and not it. If you’re too far away they will definitely go for the body. Anyway, when the first one swings, dodge the attack. The magical counterattack will send a bunch of them flying. If one landed dangerously close to your body, shoot him a bit and then combo him to finish him off. The Ardor should now be running at you. He’s much more aggressive, so use his predictable attack pattern to dodge and use the splash damage to finish killing the rest of the little guys.

During this part you should also have magic built up by now. If you see an angel about to attack your body (shouldn’t happen), quickly get over to it and use a torture on him. This is really the only way to stop them once they’re right beside your body.

Eventually only the Ardor should be alive. Keep dodging his attacks until the Evil Harvest Rosary stuns him. Then shoot him a bit to extinguish his fire, get behind him and do a Kilgore combo on him. HOWEVER, right before his health runs out, cancel out of the combo into a torture attack to maximize the combo points you get. If you don’t do this you might not get the pure platinum, but if you do, then you don’t really have to worry about keeping the combo going during the rest of the battle.

Also here’s an interesting thing: If you hit enemies with fire Durga, you can damage them while they’re on fire without taking damage yourself. This only works with fire Durga, not with lightning. Interesting huh?

After that Alfheim you’ll be back on the Valkyrie. Return all the way back to the portal to the Gates of Hell where you did verse 2. Break the all too obvious rickety wall to the right and get outside.

Verse 5

Here you’ll be greeted by a few Decorations. This verse is totally free. Simply shoot them all the death, maybe do a few PKP combos in between, whatever, just kill them and you’ll get the pure platinum!

Afterwards, instead of advancing, check out the plane’s turbine to the left. Jump inside it, then move forward a little bit but not too much to make the next verse start.

Verse 6

This verse is actually kind of difficult. The enemies aren’t anything special, but you have to make sure your combo doesn’t break, while at the same time constantly moving backwards because the turbine has a suction property, and if you touch the propellers while they’re moving you’ll take damage.

Take care when jumping backwards if that’s what you’re doing too get away from the propellers. If you jump too far you might fall off the turbine entirely and that would suck. If you don’t jump, you can’t fall off, so usually it’s better to run back with panther mode until you hit the invisible border. But you also have to be careful while doing this, because your combo might reset before you can resume your offense. You need to make sure you’re always shooting so the combo doesn’t break. If it does, you will not get the pure platinum. Once you’re up to 9.9x though, that should be enough. A safer way to get back is to simply dodge backwards repeatedly. You can easily shoot the enemies after dodging to keep the combo going. But you can always use the panther and jumping dodge methods as well as long as you’re careful.

If you don’t want to deal with the propellers, you can always try going through them all the way to the end of the turbine where they won’t bother you. Just make sure that they’re not spinning when you try to get past them or you’ll get hurt.

Be careful with the big angels’ vortex moves. Usually they’ll do the charging vortex move if you shoot them. Try to kill all of these guys with Kilgore combos for maximum points, but also go ahead and use tortures if you want. You ain’t gonna need ’em where you’re going.

Which is an Alfheim. After the fight, go deeper into the turbine all the way to the end. Like I said before, wait until the propellers stop moving to get past them or you’ll get hurt. It’s kind of funny, I could’ve sworn these propellers don’t stop moving in normal and hard mode. Well well, I suppose they HAD to fix that for this difficulty or we wouldn’t be able to get past them, what with witch time not working. Well played, Platinum. But I digress. Get inside the damn Alfheim.

Verse 7

Well what the fuck… what the fuck is this shit? You’re fighting Jeanne all with dramatic as fuck music but she’s a complete joke! The only way to damage her here is while in witch time. So first off make sure you don’t have the Evil Harvest Rosary equipped.

You can’t damage her while outside witch time so don’t even try. Just run around in front of her waving your ass or whatever and dodge all of her attacks. Keep in mind that the only attacks that activate witch time when you dodge them are her wicked weaves. So just dodge all her moves until she uses a wicked weave, and when she does, very quickly do a full Kilgore combo on her. You won’t get to finish it, witch time will wear off before that, but you’ll still do a shitload of damage on her. Half her HP, even. So really, all you have to do is dodge two of her wicked weaves and she’s DEAD. That’s right, we basically stompin’ on the easiest streets that you can walk on.

After finishing that ridiculously easy Alfheim, get back out of the turbine and this time advance as normal to trigger the next verse. It’s yet ANOTHER boss battle with Jeanne?! Didn’t we just gangrape you a few seconds ago?! Geez. Take it easy, ho.

Verse 8

Shit. I take it back. This fight ain’t easy. Mostly because it’s so hard to get the combo points you need for pure platinum. But also Jeanne has gotten stronger.

Anyway, forget the previous fight we had with her. This time the combo points we need are so much that we are FORCED to stay honest rather than exploiting camera angles. Don’t worry though, I’ve fought her countless times until I found a DAMN good way to pure platinum her. Just for you. No homo.

First off, it’s VERY important that you do NOT have the Evil Harvest Rosary equipped. That’s the biggest way to screw over your chances of getting the pure platinum.

Now, before starting the fight, activate Pulley’s Butterfly. We’ll be making extensive use of it for this fight because Jeanne is basically a Joy on crack.

You’ll want to start the fight by dodging because she usually starts by kicking you a few times. Sometimes she’ll start by taunting but whatever. This first phase is pretty familiar. She’ll mostly use the same attacks we’re used to.

Now, as you probably already know, you can’t use the Kilgore combo on Jeanne. It is NOT possible 95% of the time she will parry it. And doing it from a distance is no longer effective either. So what can you do? Well, like I said before, Jeanne is like a Joy. And I wasn’t kidding. So that means, you TREAT her like a Joy. That is to say, like a punkass cocksucking whore. Set flame Durga on your feet and use the PPPKK combo on her. The sweeps will knock her off her feet and if you keep the button pressed to make the Durga bombs go off she’ll take MASSIVE damage. If you’re lucky you can knock her off with both sweeps and get her with both Durga bombs. Sometimes you’ll only be able to get her with one sweep, that’s fine. Other times you won’t be able to get her with any because she’ll parry and or dodge. That’s fine too, just keep trying.

You want to stay right in her face at all times and just keep doing the PPPKKK combo on her. Whenever she parries it, dodge FORWARD. The reason is because a lot of the time after parrying she’ll dodge backwards, and if you dodge forward you’ll be right in her face again and be able to start yet another PPPKKK combo. Sometimes after parrying she will go for a counterattack. That’s fine, even if you dodge forward you’ll still avoid it, and then you can continue dodging if it’s a combo, which it will be if she does her kicks or her Shuraba combo.

As always, whenever she launches herself up in the air, after a few seconds she’ll come down on you with a kick. This is a great time to try startin a combo on her after dodging it. Keep in mind that the chances of her parrying your combo are GREATLY reduced if you hit her from the back, like all enemies.

Forget trying to get her to initiate her gun attack by staying far away from her. It doesn’t work in this fight because, even though she does use it every now and then, she’s actually far more likely to turn into a panther and run towards you. So just fuck it, stay near her.

Her wicked weaves are the same as usual. They’re fast so you need to build good anticipation against them. Cues include red flashes, Jeanne saying something, or simply at the end of long combos. She’s also learned a new type of wicked weave where she’ll try to smash you with two hands, but it’s nothing too special, it’s dodged the same way.

Also, if you get a prompt for a torture-type attack, go for it! You’ll clash with her and will have to mash the button, but it’s pretty much free damage at this point. If Jeanne and Bayonetta start punching each other you have to spam the punch button, if they kick each other you have to spam the kick button. But you already knew this.

Anyway, keep using those sweeps and Durga bombs on her and eventually when you’ve taken off one health bar she’ll summon her stupid bike. This part can be a bit of a bitch if you fight her normally but here’s the trick: first, make SURE that you have some butterflies actively protecting you before you get the cutscene where she summons the bike. Once she does, notice that she starts right beside you and takes a few seconds before she starts zooming around like a bat out of hell. What you have to do is simply start a Kilgore combo on her as SOON as the fight starts. Immediately. Then ride the combo alll the way to the end, including the wicked weave. Right before the end of the combo she’ll start moving and hit you but ignore this and let the butterflies take the hit. Finish the combo. Since she’s on the bike she’s incapable of parrying it! This results in LUDICROUS damage. So much damage, in fact, that you will destroy her bike before she even got the chance to use it! Ahahahaha.

For the last phase, she’s back on foot and it’s similar to the first one. Go back to using the PPPKKK combo on her. The only difference is that there’s a storm going on which is pretty annoying and limits your visibility, and also she starts using a new move, the Gomorra tornado. It’s a strong attack and hits multiple times but here’s the trick: stay near her and when she summons it, get INSIDE the tornado. Gomorra tornado is dangerous, but now you’re safe in the eye of the tornadooo! Now just start a PPPKKK combo to piss on her cereal.

That’s pretty much it! If you do everything like I’m telling you, you’ll get that pure platinum without much fuss!

Verse 9

Shiyat, the plane is sinking! Go through the door in front of you, but be careful that the floor isn’t electrified or you’ll take damage. You can walk on it when the tide is low but once it rises you’ll get hit. Just to be safe, simply jump over to the high ledge on the right, then jump as panther over to the high ledge on the left. Keep going forward, then jump towards the stairs but do it while air dodging continuously because there’s lightning basically all over the place. Once you get here you’ll get a stupid scene where stupid Cereza shows up to fuck things over. Also this verse will officially start.

The entire room will turn upside down. Keep running forward or you’ll fall into the water and get toasted. Once it’s completely upside down an Ardor will show up. Leave Cereza wherever, fuck her. Equip the Evil Harvest Rosary and start fighting the Ardor. Once you can get behind him do a full Kilgore combo to end him. Once he’s dead, you’ll be able to advance a little bit. Take Cereza and do so, then drop her off further in. Some Harmonies will show up. Just take care of them with some quick Shuraba PKP combos as usual.

When they’re dead, jump up on the platform a little further. This is where the Evil Harvest Rosary you equipped comes in handy. Here you’ll fight a single Ardor and he’s on fire. Nothing too special. Keep dodging his slashes until the magical counterattack stuns him, then get behind him, shoot him until his fire extinguishes, and do a full Kilgore combo on his back to kill him. That’ll end the verse.

Pick up that deadweight Cereza again and keep advancing. Shiiiit, the plane is sinking even more.

Verse 10

You fall down a long shaft. Witch walk is now activated though. Quickly run up the wall in front of you and keep going up. The water level is rising, so get over as high as possible. Ten shitons of Harmonies will show up, jump over them and drop off Cereza right at the top, then go back and take care of them.

Now, we need to do this one a specific way because getting the combo points for pure platinum here is not easy! That’s why it’s important that you hadn’t used tortures in the previous chapter. If your magic isn’t full, do taunts until it is or something.

First of all, make SURE to unequip the Evil Harvest Rosary. This is important. Do it or you’ll regret it. It does waaay too much damage and gives like no points.

But anyway. Start by doing a few Shuraba PKP combos to soften these bitches up. Remember, it’s CRUCIAL that you do not let your combo reset at ANY point during this entire fight. Once it looks like all those Harmonies are about to overwhelm you, jump up and start a torture on one. Then when it ends, immediately torture the next one, and when that ends immediately torture the third one. Once you’ve done that you should’ve thinned out the herd enough, but we’re still not done. You’ve built up a nice combo but you STILL can’t let it break until the very end! So first of all get away and start shooting them to keep it going. Use a combination of PKP combos and gunshots to finish them off, but remember to always shoot a little after doing a combo or there’s a high risk of the combo ending. As long as you keep the combo going till the end, you’ll nab that pure platinum.

Once that’s done, simply pick up Cereza again, keep walking up the wall and the chapter will end!

Chapter 13

Snap, this boss fight is amazing. But not very difficult. You’ll be surfing on a piece of metal, that means you can’t stop moving, but you can turn on a dime so it’s all good. It’s similar to your movement when using Odette. That is to say, not ideal, but there ain’t nothing we can do about it here.

Verse 1

Aight, so, for the first phase of the fight, what you’re supposed to do is break the 4 faces on Sapientia’s feet. I recommend using Shuraba here since it has more range and damage. You don’t have time to execute a Kilgore combo here so just use Shuraba and press P repeatedly to destroy these faces. They don’t have very much HP so it won’t take too long.

It’s true that you can’t stop moving, but if you drive your surfboard into Sapientia’s foot you can kind of get it stuck there while you attack the face. If you’re using Shuraba you don’t even have to jump up, it’ll still reach. While doing this, the face can spit a fireball at you, so watch it closely and dodge when you see the cue. If you have the Evil Harvest Rosary equipped this will also deal extra damage to it, so it’s a good idea to have it.

Also while you’re attacking the faces, Sapientia can use one of three attacks. He may either shoot rockets at you, or lasers. You’ll know either of these attacks are coming by the thing he says, which is the same for both attacks. So when you hear him say it, get ready. If he shoots out the red lasers, you can actually hear their distinctive sound before they get to you, so you’ll know they’re coming. When you hear it, immediately dodge, and then keep MASHING that dodge button to dodge again just in case more fall after that. If you spam it fast enough you won’t get hit by it. The other attack is the rockets. This one is a little different. They fly very slow through the air so you can definitely see them before they get to you. What you want to do is wait until just before they hit you to dodge them. But wait! There will be a second volley coming after that first one so you’ll have to dodge again. Usually you can simply keep mashing the dodge button after the first dodge, and it’ll work out that you also dodge the second one successfully.

Finally, he can also raise his foot and try to squash you. This attack is very fast. But don’t worry, if you have the surfboard stuck in front of his foot, when he raises it up you’ll simply keep going past it and avoid it when it comes back down. Go ahead and dodge just to be safe though.

After damaging him a while (or sometimes immediately when the fight starts) he’ll dive underwater and then come up and try to bite you 2-3 times. This happens very fast in Nonstop Climax. Still, it’s not too difficult to avoid. Since he will come up just in front of the direction you’re currently moving towards, you can avoid him simply by making sharp turns before he comes out. You’ll know when and where he’ll come up by the huge ripples in the water. Failing that, you can always just dodge the moment he comes up to avoid damage.

After that, he’ll come swimming at you and jump in the air whale-style. This is a joke move, simple keep moving perpendicular to him to avoid it. Once he falls back in the water, quickly turn the other way to see his big fin slowly sinking. At this point run right at him. He’s about to surface again and you’ll be able to continue damaging him.

Once you break the fourth face, you’ll get the prompt to initiate a climax. Take it and you’ll have to drive him towards what seems to be the first boss of DMC1. You’ll have to continuously press square and the direction it’s telling you below to steer him. Although, honestly, it’s not very strict and it seems you can even move him the opposite direction a little while the screen is clearly telling you to move the other direction. Either way, just keep steering him as indicated, but be careful because he’ll try to break free, so you’ll have to press PK to tame him. After driving him into Phantasmaraneae you’ll switch to the second phase.

Now you have to rape his face. Here you CAN use the Kilgore combo, and I recommend it. Run right up to his face and start smacking him. He’ll probably dive again, but once he comes back up, immediately run right up to his face again! He’ll be stunned so you’ll be able to do a full Kilgore combo for massive damage and he won’t be able to stop it. After he gets up, continue remodeling his face but be a little more careful because he will attack. He’ll either swipe you or try to bite you. The bite especially is very fast, but it’s not a huge problem once you learn what it looks like. Simply dodge when you hear the cue and see his head move up. If you have the Evil Harvest Rosary equipped you’ll do even more damage as you dodge.

Keep doing this about 3 more times until you get the option for a second climax. Take it, and do it correctly again to go to the last phase. Remember that this time he’ll try to break free twice, so be ready for it!

Now you’ll be in a whirlpool. You can try to damage him a little bit here with wicked weaves but he’ll immediately throw you way back and you’ll have to surf over to him while dodging a bunch of his lasers and junk. His junk is easy to see coming. His lasers are a bit harder to deal with in Nonstop Climax since witch time won’t get activated when you dodge them but it’s still not too bad. First of all, when surfing towards him you’ll see his 4 creepy tentacles. Those are the things that shoot the lasers. Try to position yourself in between two of them so you’re not right in their path when they shoot them. Be careful though, because he has a trip up his sleeve. He’ll insert them into the water and make them come out RIGHT in front of you. When you see this happen, move to a side, but be ready to dodge because the laser will move towards you. Faster than you can move away from it! So dodge over it! You might have to do it twice, depending on how long the attack stays active. Also, remember to change directions when you dodge and start moving the opposite way! Or else the laser will still be on top of you after you come out of the dodge!

He’ll also shoot out his 4 lasers normally and then spin them around clockwise. Simply keep going in a straight line and dodge over each one every time it’s about to pass through you.

Eventually you’ll get up to him, and that’s when you can start laying the smackdown! He will always be attacking you here, so unlike the previous phase I don’t recommend using the Kilgore combo. Instead, equip Shuraba and use that. Just keep hitting and dodging his swipes and bites the same way you did in the previous chapter.

After a while he’ll move and begin charging his move that sends you flying away. When he’s doing this, you can do a couple PKP combos for some free damage before he blows you away! Once he does, though, you’ll have to get in on him again. Simply keep repeating this until his HP is gone, then take the climax to finish him!

Combos work very strangely in this fight. The combo won’t get reset when you stop attacking him while you’re moving around on the surfboard during the first phases, which means getting the combo points is like man why you even got to do a thing. Really, the only thing you have to do in this fight is not get hit and you will get that pure platinum for sure. Seriously, this is probably the easiest boss in the game. I pure platinum’d him on my first try when I started recording, haha.

Chapter 14

Holy. Mother. Of the ten thousand fucks. This chapter is by far the hardest one in the entire game. It’s a veritable NIGHTMARE, is what it is. It’s completely different to the skills we’ve built up, it’s super hard, it’s long, your controls are fucking reversed, and to top it off it doesn’t have cool music like the bike chapter. Fuck me.

Enemies never stop shooting you and if one stray bullet touches you, it’s over. And you can’t simply dodge a lot because you can’t shoot while dodging, and the combo points needed for pure platinum here are definitely not free.

Simply put, just put your pants down and get ready to take it in the ass.

Verse 1

Ok, first of all. The very first wave of enemies is EXTREMELY dangerous. These decorations fly in such a way that it’s almost impossible to destroy them all and almost impossible to avoid their bullshit shots just by flying around. So what I recommend doing, just for this wave, is to spam the dodge button all the way through until they’re gone. Seriously, it’s just too hard.

After that first wave though, you’ll want to use the dodge sparingly, and if possible, never. The reason is that you can’t shoot while dodging, and also the screen spins around, which gets you disoriented and it’s still possible to get get hit after coming out of the dodge if you’re not spamming it, since enemies shoot pretty much NONSTOP.

So what I recommend doing is simply avoid bullets by moving around a lot. Since they always target your position, you can avoid a lot simply by staying in motion.

Like I said before, the combo points needed are not free in this. As always you wanna do your best to keep the combo going. That means even if you can’t kill some enemies, at least make your shots connect to keep it from resetting. However, the REAL trick to getting the points you need is to abuse the missiles. For every small magic orb you get, you can shoot a missile that gives you 30 points. This is by far the most important thing. You NEED to use these missiles. If you don’t, you definitely won’t get the pure platinum. Trust me. Therefore, do NOT sit on your meter. Use it. Use it as much as you can.

After the first wave you’ll face 3 Dears. Go ahead and off them with missiles. Then after that you’ll face some more decorations but they’re moving in much more reasonable patterns so it’s not difficult to shoot them and avoid their bullets simply by moving a little bit. Keep using missiles against these guys as well. Doesn’t matter if they’re weak! Remember, the only reason we’re using the missiles is to build points.

After that you’ll face some Affinities. Keep moving and shooting them. This is another good place to shoot some missiles since they’re stationary and unlikely to avoid them.

After that the waves will loop. Do the same thing, and at the end you’ll face an Inspired in a boss battle. This isn’t very hard. All he’ll do is throw slow fireballs at you that are easily avoided. His body may still hit you though so don’t run into his path. Keep shooting him until he dies. The best time to shoot missiles at him is when he’s coming AT you. If you do it at any other time there’s a good chance that it won’t connect, and that’s really bad because those missiles are precious.

RIGHT after that Inspired is dead, place yourself on the center of the screen and keep shooting. The decorations that are coming will move in the perfect pattern that you’ll shoot them all out right here and won’t have to worry about anything. Don’t use missiles in this part, they’re not likely to hit. Just keep shooting normally until they’re all gone, we’ll use all that magic later.

And by later I mean now. You’ll now be facing some Harmonies. These guys are actually pretty dangerous. So dangerous, in fact, that I actually recommend dodging here. What you want to do is this: stay in the center, keep shooting, and as they move through the screen, shoot a missile to kill them but do it when they’re almost point blank or else it won’t hit, then immediately after that dodge to avoid their volley (which is very VERY hard to avoid normally). Keep doing this same thing for all the Harmonies that appear.

After a bit some angels will attempt to hijack your plane and you’ll go into the standard gameplay to kill them. Simply start a Kilgore combo and that will be the end of them. Easy.

After a bit you’ll face Fortitudo in battle. This guy is a bit of a cunt but not too difficult. His main attack is to shoot you with more ammunition than god. When he’s doing this, you want to be CONSTANTLY moving in a circular motion. Either clockwise or counter, but don’t switch directions. And try to make it so that you pass by the center of the screen every time so that at least one of your bullets hits him and keeps the combo going. After a bit of this he’ll stop and you can move to the center of the screen and concentrate your firepower on his face for a bit (this is also the time to unload those missiles). After a bit though, he’ll resume his bullet hell (or may throw a few fireballs first, but it’s nothing special).

Verse 2

In this verse you’ll face some blue dudes with rocket launchers. Their fireballs aren’t too dangerous but they have a lot of HP, so they’re gonna take a lot of shots and missiles to take down. ‘s all good though. Better than those decorations with their ridiculous formations.

After a few more familiar waves and formations, an intruder will penetrate your force fields! It’s 3 Inspired! It’s really the same as when you fought a single one, just… times three. If anything, it’s easier to keep the combo going with so many of them flying around. Take as much time as you want, avoid their fireballs and shoot missiles when one is coming AT you and the reticule is targeting him.

After that fight you’ll start meeting Kinships. They will hang there for a few second and then shoot their rapelaser at you. This is VERY dangerous, it’s almost impossible to avoid this attack just by moving. So wait until just before they shoot it, and then spam that dodge button so you don’t get hit.

At the end you’ll face Temperantia in a boss battle. This guy is way cuntier than Fortitudo. He only has two attacks which he loops though: First he’ll shoot rockets around while calling in Decorations to shoot at you. When he’s shoot rockets high, stay on the bottom half of the screen moving in a circular motion to avoid the decorations’ shots, and also shooting them yourself to keep building magic. If you have the Eternal Testimony equipped, that’s great because it automatically replenishes two of your orbs every time you drain them. Which means you don’t really have to worry about even hitting the decorations to get magic! After a bit Temperantia will stop and charge his eye laser. This is by far the best time to concentrate fire on him and unload a few missiles on his face. Watch out for the laser though. He will shoot it either to the right and then sweep to the left or at the bottom and then sweep up. Simply stay shooting at his face and dodge when he moves the laser to avoid. Then he’ll go back to the other attack and keep alternating between these two. Simply keep shooting at his face while he charges the laser until his HP disappears. Don’t try to keep the combo going in this battle, it’s impossible. Just concentrate on not getting hit and getting the job done.

Getting the necessary combo points in verse 2 is MUCH harder than in verse 1. Like I said, you can’t keep the combo going during the Temperantia fight. That means you have to try to keep it going during the verse itself as much as you can and try to fire as many missiles as possible. However, there is one single crucial moment that decides if you’ll get the pure platinum more than anything else: the part where angels try to hijack your ship, kill them all with a Kilgore combo, depending on how well you did it, this will shoot your combo to 6x-9x multiplier. As SOON as you regain control of the ship, move it to the lower right part of the screen where a blue rocket dude will be. If you do it right you’ll shoot him and be able to continue that big combo you just got throughout this single skirmish with these 3 blue dudes and get a lot of points. But you need to be FAST with aligning your ship after regaining control, or else the combo will get reset before your shots start connecting. Remember to taunt immediately after killing the angels trying to hijack you because there’s a slight lull before you go back to the cockpit. If you do this part right, the chances of getting the pure platinum are good.

Verse 3

Oh crap! We just did that shit and now we gotta deal with Jeanne AGAIN? And she has more HP, is faster, and totally pissed off! It’s true that Jeanne is harder, but aside from a few new tricks the fight still works similar to the previous one:

First off, it’s VERY important that you do NOT have the Evil Harvest Rosary equipped. That’s the biggest way to screw over your chances of getting the pure platinum.

Now, before starting the fight, activate Pulley’s Butterfly. We’ll be making extensive use of it for this fight because Jeanne is basically a Joy on crack.

You’ll want to start the fight by dodging because she usually starts by kicking you a few times. Sometimes she’ll start by taunting but whatever. This first phase is pretty familiar. She’ll mostly use the same attacks we’re used to.

Now, as you probably already know, you can’t use the Kilgore combo on Jeanne. It is NOT possible 95% of the time she will parry it. And doing it from a distance is no longer effective either. So what can you do? Well, like I said before, Jeanne is like a Joy. And I wasn’t kidding. So that means, you TREAT her like a Joy. That is to say, like a punkass cocksucking whore. Set flame Durga on your feet and use the PPPKK combo on her. The sweeps will knock her off her feet and if you keep the button pressed to make the Durga bombs go off she’ll take MASSIVE damage. If you’re lucky you can knock her off with both sweeps and get her with both Durga bombs. Sometimes you’ll only be able to get her with one sweep, that’s fine. Other times you won’t be able to get her with any because she’ll parry and or dodge. That’s fine too, just keep trying.

You want to stay right in her face at all times and just keep doing the PPPKKK combo on her. Whenever she parries it, dodge FORWARD. The reason is because a lot of the time after parrying she’ll dodge backwards, and if you dodge forward you’ll be right in her face again and be able to start yet another PPPKKK combo. Sometimes after parrying she will go for a counterattack. That’s fine, even if you dodge forward you’ll still avoid it, and then you can continue dodging if it’s a combo, which it will be if she does her kicks or her Shuraba combo.

As always, whenever she launches herself up in the air, after a few seconds she’ll come down on you with a kick. This is a great time to try startin a combo on her after dodging it. Keep in mind that the chances of her parrying your combo are GREATLY reduced if you hit her from the back, like all enemies.

Forget trying to get her to initiate her gun attack by staying far away from her. It doesn’t work in this fight because, even though she does use it every now and then, she’s actually far more likely to turn into a panther and run towards you. So just fuck it, stay near her.

Her wicked weaves are the same as usual. They’re fast so you need to build good anticipation against them. Cues include red flashes, Jeanne saying something, or simply at the end of long combos. She’s also learned a new type of wicked weave where she’ll try to smash you with two hands, but it’s nothing too special, it’s dodged the same way. Also, be careful because now she loves to use TWO wicked weaves in a row in a cheap attempt to catch you after you dodge the first one, so a lot of the time you’ll want to dodge twice now.

Also, if you get a prompt for a torture-type attack, go for it! You’ll clash with her and will have to mash the button, but it’s pretty much free damage at this point. If Jeanne and Bayonetta start punching each other you have to spam the punch button, if they kick each other you have to spam the kick button. But you already knew this.

Anyway, keep doing this until the building you’re on starts to collapse. You’ll then resume fighting on the side of a skyscraper. Keep fighting as normal, but be careful because Jeanne will take the first opportunity she gets to summon a missile to hit you. When you see her snap her fingers, get ready and start press PK repeatedly because the missile will come in a few seconds. You’ll then get a quick scene where you’ll have to throw the missile back at her 3 times. Reminds me of the fight with Ganondorf in Ocarina. It’s not very difficult, simply hit PK when Jeanne throws the missile at you and it leaves her hands. It will speed up each time you throw it.

Keep damaging her as normal and after a while you’ll get another scene where you both get on a missile. Remember to hit up and jump or you’ll die! The fight on the missile is the same, except for the fact you have little to no visibility. ‘s all good though, that’s why we’ve got Pulley’s Butterfly. Remember to reactivate it if it wears off, using the fact that Jeanne won’t attack you if she’s offscreen to your advantage. Keep fighting her as usual, and press up and jump when prompted to get on another missile and continue the fight.

After that you’ll switch to the last place (finally. all this switching around was starting to get ridiculous). Try to chase Jeanne if she jumps on the wall and stuff like that and continue using sweeps and Durga bombs to finish her off. As long as you use this move you’ll do a lot of damage to her very fast, and still get the pure platinum.

Chapter 15

Aight doggs, we’re almost done. This is the last real level. It’s cool, I like it, but it’s really long. Too long, clanky, tooo laaawwng.

Verse 1

First off, you see those 2 statues right in front of you at the start? Break them to reveal that it’s actually a Fairness and Fearless, which comprise the first verse. It’s nothing too special. You already know how to take care of these guys. You can get in on the Fearless when he raises his tail and do a combo on him for big damage. The Fairness is a little harder, I recommend either whiffing a Kilgore combo from some distance away and hitting him with the rockets or hanging back a little and waiting for his charge attack and when he smacks into the wall do a full combo on him while he’s dizzy. Try to kill the Fairness first as he’s the most dangerous one. Just be careful with his fireballs and most of all with his dumb screech. When comboing a dizzied dog, make god damn sure the other one is offscreen or you’ll regret it.

You can do a combo on the one that comes out of the statue you break because it takes him a little bit to know what’s going on. Be careful with the other one though, because that one can act immediately.

After dealing with these guys, head left and go up the stairs to trigger verse two.

Verse 2

A few decorations will appear. These guys are at about the perfect height for you to do some good Kilgore combos on them. Sure, they’re weak, but do it anyway because it gives mad points, and truth be told, you need as many as you can get in this verse. After killing the decorations 2 Ardors will appear, but they’re on fire. You know what that means. Equip the Evil Harvest Rosary and wait for them to attack you, then dodge. Eventually the magical counterattack will stun them, that’s when you move behind their back, shoot them until their fire extinguishes and then do a full Kilgore combo on their back.

If you don’t keep the combo going in between Decorations and Ardors you will not get the pure platinum. So you can try two things. One, you can try to initiate a Kilgore combo before the Ardors fully appear so that when they do, you catch them with the rockets. This is really good because it can boost your points all the way to 9.9x and secure the pure platinum, but you also have to be careful not to touch them or you’ll take damage. Alternatively, you can simply taunt while waiting for them to attack you to keep the combo from breaking while using the Evil Harvest Rosary.

Keep going up the stairs to the next door. Go inside and keep going forward to activate the next verse.

Verse 3

A brave will show up. Ha, what a joke! Seriously these bitches ain’t shit! Just jump a bit over him and do a full airborne Kilgore combo to end his miserable existence. You’ll kill him so fast he’ll barely even get to do anything, and if you’re somewhat above ground his axe swing is unlikely to hit you.

Three more Braves will appear after this one, for a total of four, one by one. Just keep doing the same for every single one that appears. It’s really easy because they only appear one at a time. Taunt in between them to keep the combo going and you should get that pure platinum easy!

After that fight, go through the door that just opened, and keep moving to the next door. Before going in though, break one of the two statues beside it to reveal a Gracious and Glorious, and the next verse. Be VERY careful because these fuckers are sneaky as hell! When you break the statue they won’t immediately burst out and hit you, no. They will wait JUST a second to throw you off, and THEN burst out and hit you. Those cunts. Well. Actually, for some reason only the one on the left does that. The one on the right will come out immediately. What doublecunts!

Verse 4

Nothing too special here either, we’ve done this before, nothing to see here, move along. What’s that? You forgot?! Fine, fine, I’ll paste it again for your convenience:

Anyway. Go ahead and activate Pulley’s Butterfly at the start if you want to make things easier. A good way to own these guys is to first get some distance by running away as panther, then turning around and start whiffing the first hits of a Kilgore combo. The rockets will hit them for good free damage even if they’re far away, and if they happen to close the distance it will get them for even more safe damage. Well. I say safe damage but you have to make sure that IF they parry you midcombo, you immediately dodge away to avoid their counter attack. Plus, you also have to make sure the other dude ain’t doing none of his bullshit. If you see the lightning one charging up for his rush attack, get away. If you see him charge up his shockwave attack that sends electricity through the floor, jump up and hang in the air with your pistols if you have to. Same deal goes if the fire one does his spinning move, though that one is pretty damn slow and thus not that dangerous. Something to keep in mind, though, is that Kilgore rockets stop ALL of these moves cold. So if you see one charging but a rocket is about to hit him, just ignore it and keep the combo going.

Alternatively, I will now tell you a REALLY great trick you can use to ANNIHILATE these guys in record time, with no risk, and with ultimate combo points: firstly you need to make sure you have one full meter for each enemy. Now, start a torture attack on one of them. As SOON as it ends start a Kilgore combo. This will cause you to move past him as he recovers from the torture, but by the time you activate the rocket part, you will turn around and be hitting him in the back! That means you will get him with the full important part of the combo and he won’t be able to parry at all! This will finish him off. Then you move on to the next one, initiate a torture combo on him and repeat for this one. See? Ultimate. Well, ok, it’s not actually COMPLETELY risk free, you do have to watch out if the other dude’s too close he will hit you out of the combo. But really, with this trick it’s very easy, and if you combine it with Pulley’s Butterfly you don’t even have to worry about getting hit by the other guy! If you only have one meter, you’ll only be able to use this method to kill one guy, and then you’ll have to kill the other one normally. Which isn’t too hard, really. I mean, it’s only one enemy.

There’s just one problem though. The verse right after this one consists of two Joys. And you know how rifuckindiculously bullshit those whores are. You basically NEED torture combos to pure platinum them with any degree of certainty. That’s why what I’m going to recommend here is to either only use one torture combo, or none at all. It depends on if you want to make this verse easier, or the next one. I personally find the next verse with the Joys MUCH harder, so I like to keep full magic throughout this one.

Verse 5

Go past the door and keep walking to trigger this verse. Like I said above, you have to deal with 2 Joys here and it’s much harder than you might think because getting combo points with these whores isn’t easy. I’m going to paste the strategy we’ve become familiar with, but we’re going to do things just slightly differently here:

Like that verse a while back, I don’t recommend using the Kilgore combo against these enemies because they will almost always parry it. Instead, use the PPPKK combo on them. This seems to have much more success. For one thing, they are much less likely to parry it, and the kicks also knock them right off their feet! When doing those sweeps, keep the button pressed to make Durga’s bomb go off for massive damage on them! This works great, plus it has massive blast radius so sometimes even if they dodge it’ll still hit them. Just don’t try it if they have the whip equipped or you’re getting dominated. That shit’s got supreme range.

Since you’ll have Pulley’s Butterfly activated, sometimes it’s best to simply take a hit in the interest of continuing the combo and getting in those Durga bombs to damage them.

Another good time to attack them is right when they initiate their gay move where they summon a bunch of flying feather thingies to home in on you. If you see her start this, immediately combo her to both stop it and get some good damage in.

Another thing to note is that if you see them dodging a BUNCH, know that right after their final big dodge they WILL attack, so that’s a good opportunity to dodge and then get some offense going because you can anticipate it.

Joys have low health and defense so that’s also another advantage you have. A torture combo will take off 3/4s of their HP, which is a lot. And in fact you are basically FORCED to use torture combos in this fight because if you don’t, you can bet you probably won’t get the combo points you need for that pure platinum.

Finally, remember that they have access to many weapons. Their regular form where they only have punches and kicks isn’t too bad. This is the form you want to fight in general. When they have that bigass sword they’re a little more dangerous. They love to do a launcher followed by a helm breaker. If you manage to dodge the launcher, they will stay in the air for about 2 seconds before coming back down. Don’t assume that just because you walked under them that it will miss you! They have the power to change their direction in midair and hit you no matter where you run, so instead, wait for them to come down and dodge again, then start a combo on their ass.

The whip. God, the whip. This one is the most dangerous shit. It’s so god damn fast and has deceptive range. Don’t assume you can react to this bullshit! You can’t! Or maybe I just have shitty reactions… Either way, your best bet is to anticipate the attacks and dodge. Just in general remember that they will attack if you’re in range so that will give you the anticipation you need to dodge their ultra fast whip.

However, by far the gayest thing about this fight is that you need a lot of combo points and getting them with Joys is NOT easy since they’re so tough. But necessity is the mother of invention, and I will now tell you a great way to kill these sluts fast, with the combo points you need, and with little skill required. It relies on having full magic, so make sure you don’t use Pulley’s Butterfly before the fight itself. The strategy is simply this: start a torture combo on one. As soon as it ends, start whiffing PPP and then do a single sweep with K, holding down the button. You’ll sweep her and the durga bomb will finish her off easily. Then jump over to the next one and initiate a torture combo on her. Repeat the same thing to finish her off easily as well, and then repeat for the third one. With this method you’ll kill them all FAST, your combo will never break, and they’ll basically not get to do SHIT to you.

End quote. NOW. Here’s the thing: there are only two Joys here. And if you follow that strategy to the letter, you will not get pure platinum. Your combo points will be JUST short of platinum. The truth is that there is only one foolproof way to get the pure platinum here: you need to execute THREE torture combos. That’s why keeping full magic in the previous verse was so important. Here’s what I recommend doing: first, activate Pulley’s Butterfly to be safe. Then rush the first Joy on the left and IMMEDIATELY start a torture on her. When it ends, do the PPPKK combo on her and do the Durga bomb to finish her quickly. Then quickly move to the next one and initiate a torture on her. When you finish that, you’ll be able 2 orbs shy of being able to do a third torture. So what I recommend doing is as the torture is ending, keep the taunt button held down so that you go straight into a taunt when it ends, while the Joy is on the ground. This will give you enough time to build two orbs or however many you need. When you’ve built them up, immediately go into the third torture to finish her off. Don’t worry about getting hit when you’re taunting, that’s why you have Pulley’s Butterfly activated.

If you pull off three tortures you’ll get the pure platinum for sure, and without much effort. If you do NOT have full magic at the start of this verse, then after killing the first Joy, you’ll have to fight the second one by using PPPKKK combo a lot (without Durga bombs!) and sweeping her over and over. Needless to say, this is harder than the previous method.

Keep moving forward past the doors, then go up the next flight of stairs.

Verse 6

When you go up the stairs, some Enchants will appear. Be careful because you have no magic! You can start a Kilgore combo as soon as the Enchants appear to deal some early damage and thin out the herd, but be careful because a couple others will spawn while you’re doing this, and they will be propped down, which means they will fire their lasers! So instead of doing the full combo, cancel out of it when the next batch appears and dodge their lasers. If you have the Evil Harvest Rosary equipped, this is great because you’ll also deal great damage to them. Eventually they’ll either die or get up, in which case you can combo them some more to kill them.

Note that you actually CAN go for the full Kilgore combo and kill them all before they fire their lasers but you have to be fast. Preferably go in as panther and cancel out of it with punch into the combo.

After those guys are gone, a Gracious and Glorious will appear. ANOTHER pair of these guys? Geez. At least you’ve now built up some magic with the Enchants though, so go ahead and activate Pulley’s Butterfly to be safe. Fight them the same way you did previously in verse 4. With the butterfly protection you can kill them pretty easily just doing Kilgore combos over and over, and of course dodging if they parry your attack, which will happen about 50% of the time.

Verse 7

As you go up the stairs to the next floor, one of those ghetto Temperantias will show up and break the windows. Ignore him. Turn into a panther and run through the hallway until you see some Affinities spawn. You’ll have to kill these, but be careful because they’re on fire! If you have the Evil Harvest Rosary equipped, you can dodge their attack to send the entire pack flying back with a magical counterattack, then you can shoot one while he’s knocked down to extinguish his fire, and do a Kilgore combo on him for some points. You can kill the rest the same way, or by shooting them, or by hitting them with flame Durga (which is immune to fire). It’s all good, the amount of combo points you need is very lenient so even if you don’t do anything fancy you’ll still get the pure platinum.

If you’re having trouble, an easy way to get the points in this verse is to grab the weapon left behind by the Gracious/Glorious we just killed in the last verse, and use it on these guys. You won’t take damage when you use Angel Arms, you’ll deal good damage, and get REALLY good points. Just remember to stop attacking once the angel arms runs out!

Go up the next flight of stairs and through the next hallway.

Verse 8

Here, Temperantia will show up again and break the windows with a punch. Be sure to dodge or the punch’ll hit you too! Once that happens, get out on the balcony and man one of the two cannons there. Start shooting him with it. If you position yourself close to the one on the right before he punches the window and get on it fast, you can start shooting him while he’s VERY near and get an easy early lead on damage before he floats back.

The trick to using these cannons is do NOT hold down the button. Rather, mash it as fast as you can to greatly increase the rate of fire. If you mash fast enough and aim for his head, you can keep making him flinch the entire time you’re on the cannon and keep him from doing any attacks and rack up a lot of points. Once he gets down to his yellow life bar though, he will communicate his intent to punch the cannon. When you see this JUMP BACK OUT INTO THE BUILDING. Simply dodging his punch will NOT work. You will still get hit. you need to be inside the build when he punches.

Once he does, the cannon will be totaled, and you’ll have to use the one on the left. Get over there, but chances are he’ll already have started firing his green rockets. You can shoot them out of the air if you’re fast enough to prevent damage, though if you get overwhelmed you can always dodge at the last second to bail out of the cannon and avoid damage.

Keep shooting him in the face and he’s likely to use his eye laser beam. This attacks is HUGELY dangerous. When you see him charge it, wait a second, and then start SPAMMING the dodge button. The laser’s hitbox lingers for a bit so even if you dodge once it might hit you afterwards. That’s why you have to spam the dodge as fast as you can. Also, note that you can actually STOP his laser if you fire fast enough at his face, and since the laser is so difficult to dodge this is actually ideal. So when he’s all I’ma chargin’ mah lazor shoot his face as fast as you can and only dodge until the last moment. Hopefully you’ll stop it and the dodge won’t be necessary.

He should already be really weak by now. Keep shooting him until he dies. If you did the first part correctly and didn’t give him a chance to use any attacks, you’ll get the pure platinum easy.

Now then. Before we keep going, there’s an Alfheim we have to take care of. Backtrack allllll the way back to the very beginning of the level where you fought the Fearless and Fairness. From there, keep going to the right and turn into a panther. Jump over the railing at the end here and across the gap to the next part. The Alfheim has appeared here. There’s also a chest further down in case you’re interested. Either way, go inside.

Verse 9

Kill all enemies? That’s pretty straightforward. Still, this Alfheim isn’t too easy. First of all you’ll fight wave after wave of Ardors. And they are ALL on fire. So make sure that you have the Evil Harvest Rosary equipped. Start by simply dodging their attacks. The magical counterattack has a very high chance of stunning them, and when they are stunned you can get behind them, shoot them until their fire has extinguished, and then do a full Kilgore combo on their back. But in practice, this doesn’t come up as often as we’d like, simply because there are SO MANY of them and it’s unlikely that they will all be stunned at the same time, and even if they are one might recover and hit you, etc. Still, it’s ok, just keep dodging their attacks and if the opportunity presents itself, take it for some good points.

If one of them drops their sword, go ahead and pick it up and use it on the others for some more easy points. You don’t take damage from the fire when you attack with Angel Arms.

Either way, keep dodging their attacks and going on the offensive if and when you can. Don’t use torture attacks! You need to conserve your MP because after all the Ardors are dead… you’ll fight 3 Joys!

Shyat. So what you want to do is this. When there is only one Ardor remaining, right before killing him, activate Pulley’s Butterfly. Because you won’t have time to activate it once he’s dead. The Joys appear immediately! Now since you have close to 3 full meters, you can easily off two Joys with the method I described in earlier chapters:

However, by far the gayest thing about this fight is that you need a lot of combo points and getting them with Joys is NOT easy since they’re so tough. But necessity is the mother of invention, and I will now tell you a great way to kill these sluts fast, with the combo points you need, and with little skill required. It relies on having full magic, so make sure you don’t use Pulley’s Butterfly before the fight itself. The strategy is simply this: start a torture combo on one. As soon as it ends, start whiffing PPP and then do a single sweep with K, holding down the button. You’ll sweep her and the durga bomb will finish her off easily. Then jump over to the next one and initiate a torture combo on her. Repeat the same thing to finish her off easily as well, and then repeat for the third one. With this method you’ll kill them all FAST, your combo will never break, and they’ll basically not get to do SHIT to you.

However, since you activated Pulley’s Butterfly before the fight itself, you’ll be just an orb or two shy of the third torture combo. But it’s alright. Now there will only be one Joy to deal with, and that’s a LOT easier than 3. And since we have the butterfly’s protection, there’s not a whole lot to worry about at this point. Simply use the PPPKKK combo with Durga bombs to kill her. If at one point you build enough magic for a torture, go ahead and use that to finish her off.

Getting the combo points you need in this Alfheim isn’t too difficult as long as you get off at least a few Kilgore combos on the Ardors.

Phew. Aight, goddang. Believe it or not we’re only halfway through this clanky chapter. Go back to where you fought Temperantia in verse 8 and this time continue advancing forward. You’ll get to the elevators. Break the elevator on the right’s door and go inside the shaft. Inside, the moon will come out, and when it does a rogue elevator will come crashing down just to hit you! Make sure to press right and jump to avoid it, then witch walk up the shaft.

Verse 10

Run up the very middle of the shaft to avoid the runaway elevators crashing down. When you get up high enough, that faggot Iustitia will appear. In this incarnation, he is incredibly hard. I repeat, he is incredibly hard. Fortunately he has relatively low HP. But still, he is damn hard. Basically, he has stopped using the moves that used to leave him open to attack, which means it’s going to be a lot more of a hassle to actually damage him safely now.

His tentacles will slap, squash and smash pretty much nonstop. However, if you stand RIGHT in front of his face, the tentacles won’t actually reach you! Weird, I know.

However, if you’re right in front of his face… you have to watch out for the face’s attacks. Most of them are easy to react to and dodge. When he pulls back, he’ll stab you, when he raises his head up he’ll smash it into the ground. Both of these cues are long and easy to see. However. By FAR his most dangerous attack is that ridiculous one where he beats his head on the floor three times. God fucking dammit, this move is SO fast you CAN’T react to it visually. It. Is. Not. Possible. Your only hope is to react to the sound he makes before he does it, which is distinct, but even this is difficult because it’s still fast and there’s so much going on. However, it’s the best bet if you’re planning to react to it. Of course, you can always use Pulley’s Butterfly to make things easier. Also, a lot of times the attack will miss you on the first hit because it has bad acc. But you can’t rely on this.

Stay in his face and keep using Kilgore combos on him, dodging when appropriate. Airborne ones seem to work best. Once you get his HP down he’ll get dizzy, that’s when you jump on his head and run along the tentacle just like in the boss fight. Be careful though because here the camera loves to be a CUNT and disorient you. Plus the tentacles seem to be a little more aggressive so when you see them try to move away from them before you pass. And as always, dodge through the buzz saws.

When you get to the main face, be ready to dodge the two tentacles that will try to swipe you, and once you do, finish it off with a hard combo!

You don’t really have to worry about keeping the combo going in this fight. It’s pretty lenient in that regard.

Afterwards keep heading up the shaft and enter the door with light coming out of it. Keep advancing and take a right when you get to the portal to the Gates of Hell. Jump up on the hovering platforms and get up to the next floor. There’s a big blue apparatus that we have to activate, but before we do that, there’s an optional verse we need to take care of. Walk the opposite way of the apparatus, past the hole we came from, to the next hole after that and jump down there. There’s a chest here. Approach it to trigger the next verse!

Verse 11

It’s a standard fight against 2 Joys. It’s virtually identical to verse 5, so the exact same strategy applies here. You should have full magic at this point, so they shouldn’t pose any problem at all. I’ll paste the strategy from verse 5 for your convenience:

Go past the door and keep walking to trigger this verse. Like I said above, you have to deal with 2 Joys here and it’s much harder than you might think because getting combo points with these whores isn’t easy. I’m going to paste the strategy we’ve become familiar with, but we’re going to do things just slightly differently here:

Like that verse a while back, I don’t recommend using the Kilgore combo against these enemies because they will almost always parry it. Instead, use the PPPKK combo on them. This seems to have much more success. For one thing, they are much less likely to parry it, and the kicks also knock them right off their feet! When doing those sweeps, keep the button pressed to make Durga’s bomb go off for massive damage on them! This works great, plus it has massive blast radius so sometimes even if they dodge it’ll still hit them. Just don’t try it if they have the whip equipped or you’re getting dominated. That shit’s got supreme range.

Since you’ll have Pulley’s Butterfly activated, sometimes it’s best to simply take a hit in the interest of continuing the combo and getting in those Durga bombs to damage them.

Another good time to attack them is right when they initiate their gay move where they summon a bunch of flying feather thingies to home in on you. If you see her start this, immediately combo her to both stop it and get some good damage in.

Another thing to note is that if you see them dodging a BUNCH, know that right after their final big dodge they WILL attack, so that’s a good opportunity to dodge and then get some offense going because you can anticipate it.

Joys have low health and defense so that’s also another advantage you have. A torture combo will take off 3/4s of their HP, which is a lot. And in fact you are basically FORCED to use torture combos in this fight because if you don’t, you can bet you probably won’t get the combo points you need for that pure platinum.

Finally, remember that they have access to many weapons. Their regular form where they only have punches and kicks isn’t too bad. This is the form you want to fight in general. When they have that bigass sword they’re a little more dangerous. They love to do a launcher followed by a helm breaker. If you manage to dodge the launcher, they will stay in the air for about 2 seconds before coming back down. Don’t assume that just because you walked under them that it will miss you! They have the power to change their direction in midair and hit you no matter where you run, so instead, wait for them to come down and dodge again, then start a combo on their ass.

The whip. God, the whip. This one is the most dangerous shit. It’s so god damn fast and has deceptive range. Don’t assume you can react to this bullshit! You can’t! Or maybe I just have shitty reactions… Either way, your best bet is to anticipate the attacks and dodge. Just in general remember that they will attack if you’re in range so that will give you the anticipation you need to dodge their ultra fast whip.

However, by far the gayest thing about this fight is that you need a lot of combo points and getting them with Joys is NOT easy since they’re so tough. But necessity is the mother of invention, and I will now tell you a great way to kill these sluts fast, with the combo points you need, and with little skill required. It relies on having full magic, so make sure you don’t use Pulley’s Butterfly before the fight itself. The strategy is simply this: start a torture combo on one. As soon as it ends, start whiffing PPP and then do a single sweep with K, holding down the button. You’ll sweep her and the durga bomb will finish her off easily. Then jump over to the next one and initiate a torture combo on her. Repeat the same thing to finish her off easily as well, and then repeat for the third one. With this method you’ll kill them all FAST, your combo will never break, and they’ll basically not get to do SHIT to you.

End quote. NOW. Here’s the thing: there are only two Joys here. And if you follow that strategy to the letter, you will not get pure platinum. Your combo points will be JUST short of platinum. The truth is that there is only one foolproof way to get the pure platinum here: you need to execute THREE torture combos. That’s why keeping full magic in the previous verse was so important. Here’s what I recommend doing: first, activate Pulley’s Butterfly to be safe. Then rush the first Joy on the left and IMMEDIATELY start a torture on her. When it ends, do the PPPKK combo on her and do the Durga bomb to finish her quickly. Then quickly move to the next one and initiate a torture on her. When you finish that, you’ll be able 2 orbs shy of being able to do a third torture. So what I recommend doing is as the torture is ending, keep the taunt button held down so that you go straight into a taunt when it ends, while the Joy is on the ground. This will give you enough time to build two orbs or however many you need. When you’ve built them up, immediately go into the third torture to finish her off. Don’t worry about getting hit when you’re taunting, that’s why you have Pulley’s Butterfly activated.

If you pull off three tortures you’ll get the pure platinum for sure, and without much effort. If you do NOT have full magic at the start of this verse, then after killing the first Joy, you’ll have to fight the second one by using PPPKKK combo a lot (without Durga bombs!) and sweeping her over and over. Needless to say, this is harder than the previous method.

There is one thing you need to watch out for. And that is the fact that the verse does NOT start until you actually hit one of the Joys for the first time. This is important because if you start the fight with a torture when the verse starts (which will be after the torture ends), that will automatically end your combo, killing your chances of getting the pure platinum. So what I recommend doing is to first hit one of them with a regular punch or whatever to start the verse and THEN begin the torture strategy.

So that’s it. Use all your tortures and you’ll get that PP. Note that you don’t actually have to use ALL of your tortures in this verse. I’ve gotten pure platinum here just by using 2 tortures. Just something to keep in mind. Once that’s done, go back up and activate the blue machine. This will activate a bunch of appearing and disappearing walls all along this cylindrical area. You’re supposed to go up these. Just don’t fall off or you’ll take damage. Go straight up jumping on the platforms.

Verse 12

This is another optional verse, so listen up. At the halfway point between the low level where you activated the blue machine and the place where you need to get up to, there are 4 large platforms equidistant from each other that do not disappear. Two of these platforms have a single Joy that will spawn on them when you step on them. When the first Joy spawns the verse will start. It’s not too difficult to deal with them since you’ll be fighting them one on one, but you have to be careful because you won’t have any magic if you used it up in the previous verse! Just kill them normally though. Get close to them and dodge, because that’s when they’re likely to try and hit you, then do the PPPKKK combo to knock them down with the sweeps and keep the button pressed to do Durga bombs for big damage. Twice should be enough. When you kill her, move on to the next platform and then to the next to find the other one. Kill her in the same way to finish the verse. Don’t worry about combo points, it’s (thankfully) very lenient.

When you’re done with that, keep heading up all the way to the top. There are two chests on the platforms here but does anyone really care anymore at this point? I doubt it. Head towards the 2 doors to trigger the next verse.

Verse 13

Oh it’s Golem again. Except now he’s not as much of a pushover anymore.

The fight is similar to what it was in chapter IX, but now he’s much more of a cunt than before, so the battle will likely drag on for a while.

One thing to note is that he will turn into hands a lot less than in the previous fight, which means you’ll have to do more dodging. And that means that you’re better off unequipping the Evil Harvest Rosary, because if you deal too much damage with it, you won’t get the pure platinum. He’s more likely to use his hands if you’re closer to the floor, so when doing the airborne PPPKKK combo on his core, jump, but not too high so you’re just slightly below his core when he starts his next move.

He also has a new move that he will use often, and it’s pretty damn dangerous. He transforms into a chinese dragon and spirals around you, trying to hit you. You’ll need to dodge 2-4 times depending on your positioning and even then it can be tough to avoid damage every single time, especially since he’s going to abuse the shit out of it. That’s why it’s a good idea to have Pulley’s Butterfly activated as a safety net, and reapply it right after his attack ends but before the next one begins.

The battle might take a while depending on how good your positioning is, but don’t worry if it seems to take forever, the time limit is very lenient, and as long as you don’t have the Evil Harvest Rosary equipped you’ll get the required points.

Verse 14

After the fight, go inside the elevator shaft and witch walk up it. As you go up you’ll face a ghetto Sapientia. This guy is incredibly easy, especially compared to Iustitia. He only has two attacks, his paw stomps and his bite, all with big cues and easy to dodge. If you’re fast at the start you can do a Kilgore combo for big damage and good points before he gets into his groove. After that though, you’re better off just doing PKP combos because he attacks too fast. After every little bit of damage he’ll get pushed back and you’ll have to chase after him. Keep attacking him as normal though until he dies, not too difficult. Once he does a huge explosion will start chasing you from below. Turn into a panther and keep running up the shaft. The explosion is clearly sentient and will travel just fast enough to be almost on top of you but just slow enough to not actually hit you.

Anyway, you’ll shatter a window and fall on a big…uh…ball? Chandlier? Just hit those red balls to break it, then walk on the path of spiritual energy to finish the chapter.

Chapter 16

Awwww snap, this fight is super fun! And the music is pretty cool to boot. This should’ve been the final boss ’cause this fight is way cooler than the actual final boss.

Before you begin this fight I recommend equipping the Evil Harvest Rosary. The combo points needed for pure platinum are pretty damn lenient, surprisingly enough! Which means we can equip this for basically free damage every time we dodge! Can’t get better than that. Also, we’re going to be using Shuraba and its PKP combo pretty much exclusively in this fight. While the Scarborough Fair/Bazillions PKP combo is faster, the damage with the Shuraba is a LOT better. Makes a huge difference.

Verse 1

Alright! So Father Balder has a lot of attacks. A LOT of them, and they’re all cool. This fight consists more or less in knowing when to attack and when not to, so you’re mostly going to be playing according to what he does.

Generally speaking, you do not want to start a PKP combo when Balder is close to you. When he’s close, he’ll start swinging that ridiculous sword he has and it’s just not safe to be doing anything at that point! He’ll usually swing the sword 3 times, wait a second and then swing it a fourth time. But other times he might only swing it once, wait, and then swing again. And still other times he may do it twice! That’s why it’s not very safe to try to combo him after dodging the attacks, even though it’s possible (the best time is after he does the fourth slash). But even then if you don’t hit him in the back he might parry your attack and then he’ll go into yet another sword combo. It’s just really dangerous. So when he gets close to you what you want to do is just dodge his slashes and at the same time kind of jump away from him so you don’t run out of dodges since he slashes so many times.

When you want to attack him is during (and after) some of his other moves. For example. Sometimes he’ll summon a blue bubble that will chase you. You can do a PKP combo when he does this and it MIGHT hit him. If it doesn’t no biggie, just dodge the bubble (the magical counterattack will destroy it) and try a PKP combo again, but bail out of it if he’s coming at you and it looks like you won’t be able to finish it before he gets to you.

When he summons a bunch of fiery meteors, don’t try to PKP him UNLESS you started it a little bit before he summoned them. Then it might hit him. But if you start it AFTER he summons them, no, you won’t be able to finish the combo and you’ll get hit. Move, jump and dodge to avoid these meteors.

One of the absolute best times to attack him is when he summons three pillars of fire under you. Run to avoid them, and when the third pillar is about to come out, start whiffing a PKP combo. Balder will start coming towards you after the third pillar comes up, and your wicked weave will come out just before he gets to you, hitting him for great damage! Do this every time, EXCEPT when he does the move while close to you. Then there won’t be enough time to finish the combo so don’t even try.

Another GREAT time to attack him is after he uses his bigg lazor. This attack comes fast, but to know that it’s coming, watch him closely. When he raises his hand up, that means the laser is coming! If you started a PKP combo right before he raised his hand, you can hit him and interrupt the attack, but if you didn’t start one before, don’t try. After a second he will shoot his laser. To dodge it, you have to dodge THREE TIMES (unless you activated bat form). So after you dodge it the first time, keep mashing on the dodge button until you’ve dodged it twice more. After that, the laser will stay onscreen for a bit but it’s harmless during this part. Start whiffing a PKP combo at this point because Balder is vulnerable right after his laser fades! If you hit him with the wicked weave as soon as the laser disappears you will hit him, as well as if you do the wicked weave when he comes towards you after this.

He will also command his personal satellite to fire at your platform. “Ansiloda!” Or at least that’s what I think he says! Anyway, wait a bit on your platform, don’t panic, and when the prompt comes up, press jump to move to the other platform. When you land on the other platform, turn around, and start whiffing a Kilgore combo. By the time Balder flies over to your new spot you’ll catch him with the wicked weave at the end, and maybe even a rocket or two if you’re lucky!

When you deplete his first health bar, quickly press PK to start the climax. You have to be FAST or you’ll miss the chance, so keep and eye on his health to know when you’ll have to do it. Try to mash that button as fast as you can to get the most points. You should get somewhere around x65 with the PS3 (which is harder to mash in than the 360). Of course, Gomorrah ain’t shit to Balder, he’s just that much of a badass. The battle will continue with a brand new HP bar!

As SOON as the Gomorrah cutscene ends, do a quick PKP combo to catch him off guard for some early damage!

Sooner, rather than later, he will make a fucking skyscraper come out and throw it at you. Stay crispy and hit PK to start a climax just as it’s about to hit you, and then try to mash the button as fast as you can. You should get around x30. He will immediately use Ansiloda after this. Every single time. Just so you know.

Keep fighting him the same way, though be careful because he seems to get a little more aggressive with his sword slashes, moving a lot instead of staying in place. When you deplete this HP bar hit PK again to summon Scolopendra. As usual, mash that button as fast as you can. You should get around x65 again. Of course, that’s no match for him either, no shitty caterpillar is gonna take him down! Another HP bar!

During this third phase he will take the first opportunity to make his system 16 stunparon malfunction and fall down on top of you. Press PK when it’s about to hit you to grab it and throw it at him! Then you’ll make three exchanges the same as when you fought Jeanne. Each time it will speed up. You want to press PK RIGHT after you see him punch it for best results (except for the first time when it’s slow).

There’s another attack that me MAY use, but it’s very, very rare. He may not ever use it at all. Basically, sometimes he calls up a meteor storm to rain down on your platform. This move is a bit of a cunt because even though red rings appear on the floor, they sometimes rain so damn fast that you can’t get away. I recommend running, jumping and dodging a lot to avoid them. At the end, there will be a single huge meteor that will fall down on your position. You can’t get out of its radius simply by running so you’ll have to dodge when it comes down. This move is notable in that it has MYTHOLOGICAL levels of recovery for him. You can EASILY get him with any combo after he finishes this attack. Just sayin’.

Either way, keep fighting him the same way until you deplete this third health bar to finally use the ultimate attack on him, which is… a lipstick? HWAT.

Be sure to stay on the ball because this next sequence is actually pretty damn dangerous in Nonstop Climax. There will be 3 glass shards that will change the lipstick’s course if it hits any of them so you have to control its trajectory and avoid the shards. Unfortunately you can’t see the shards until they’re almost right in front of you, but I recommend first going up, then down, then up again. The shards are usually not square, they usually have a gap you can pass through. If you can manage to pass through this gap, great. But if you have to change the direction and it looks like you won’t make it, you might want to just stick to your guns and keep going the same direction and hope you’ll miss the shard. Note that even if you hit one shard you can still realign the lipstick back towards Balder’s head and still hit him. But if you don’t hit him…you’re screwed. Gonna have to try again.

But yeah, that’s pretty much it. Like I said before, this doesn’t require practically any combo points to pure platinum, so your only worry is not getting hit.

Epilogue

Aight, the last chapter. This one has the final boss battle, but also a BUNCH of other verses thrown in there. Especially in the first part they’re gonna throw verses at you all rapid-fire, and you have to get pure platinum in all of them. Oh, also you’ll be controlling Jeanne for a bit. Which isn’t bad, she’s like a slightly cooler and overpowered version of Bayonetta.

Verse 1

You’ll be on your cheap bike at first here. You’ll be chased by some Harmonies at first. I recommend speeding up while mashing on the gun button to kill them. The reason you want to speed up is because that way they don’t catch up and hit you, and the reason you want to mash is because it gives you more points than holding down the button. After a few seconds a Kinship will be chasing you. Keep shooting, and snake from left to right to avoid his rockets. If you stay in place they will hit you. After a while he will charge up his lazor. You need to dodge when he does that, although if you’re going fast enough it’s possible that the verse will end before he gets it off.

The trick to getting pure platinum here is to make sure that your gun combo doesn’t get stuck on 99. Once it’s there, it won’t keep going any higher and you won’t get the required points. So what you want to do in that situation is stop shooting for a bit to let a new window start.

Verse 2

Now you’ll be facing forward. You’ll be assaulted by TONS of shots from trumpeters. If you’re having trouble avoiding all those trumpeshots, a VERY easy way to avoid them is to simply hold down either left or right indefinitely. You are very unlikely to get hit this way, and it requires no skill. After that, Joys will start appearing with their laser walls. Something I like to do in this part is find one of the grooves in the rocket (a slight depression) and stay there while mashing the gun button. None of the lasers will hit you when you’re on this trench, you don’t even have to dodge.

Getting the combo points isn’t hard. Even if you use the trumpet avoiding strategy I told you, which limits the number of points you get, you’ll still get enough by killing the Joys, and later, when there are Beloved, instead of trying to avoid them, run straight at them while shooting to rack up points, then dodge through them at the last second. Hopefully your Evil Harvest Rosary will damage him for some more points.

Verse 3

This next part is also easy. You’ll face a bunch of Enchants. These guys pose NO threat at all, so just rush right into them while shooting to get points. Afterwards some Inspired will try to charge at you. You can’t kill these guys, or even get points on them, so just veer to the side to avoid them. The points you get on the Enchants should be enough for the pure platinum. At the end when witch time gets activated, hold forward to speed up and then jump when given the prompt. You’ll then have to jump several time across some platforms. Just mash the jump button to get through.

Verse 4

This next verse is a little harder. The floor is crumbling away, so you need to hurry or you’ll die, but at the same time you need to get some damage in on those Dears flying around or you won’t get the pure platinum. What can you do? Well, the trick here is that the floor is sentient and knows how fast you’re going, so it speeds up if you go fast, slows down (somewhat) if you go slow, but most importantly, at some points STOPS crumbling entirely if you don’t advance. That’s the key. Advance a little bit at first because the first few meters will crumble even if you don’t move, but once you get closer to the Dears, try to stop going forward. You’ll see that if you hang back, the floor will stay put. This is how you can get some good points in peace on those Dears. Just make sure that you STAY back near where the floor has been cut off. If you advance just a little bit it’ll start crumbling again. Do whatever you want on them, PKP combos are good, as well as others. You don’t need TOO many points for the PP. Just get around 300 and that should be enough. Once you have them just turn into a panther and rush through the entire thing.

Before we go on, we gotta take care of the final Alfheim. Yeah, I know, what the hell. All this bullshit in a boss chapter? Gimme a break. Anyway, to make the Alfheim appear, you need to walk up the statue and stop JUST short of activating the cutscene with Bayonetta before the boss. Then walk back all the way down to the bottom part. The portal will have appeared somewhere on the metal cylinder. Just run around it until you find it, then go inside.

Verse 5

In this Alfheim you’re supposed to kill all the enemies but only wicked weaves will work. You know what that means! Equip the Angel Slayer and it’s time to abuse that PKP combo. This Alfheim is actually not THAT difficult. Remember that we’re using Jeanne who is much better than Bayonetta in that she has INFINITE dodges. So you can just dodge all god damn day without a care in the world. Talk about overpowered! But it’s all good. In reality she has a weakness: she doesn’t gain magic from dodging.

As soon as the fight starts you’ll face Gracious and Glorious. These guys are easy. You already know how to fight them, so just kill ’em. Something that you might want to keep in mind is that it seems to work better to keep them on camera while running away and whiffing those hits. Why? Because if they’re off camera they won’t be able to do any of their attacks until they’re on camera, so what happens is that they try their DAMNED hardest to get on camera, and since they’re so god damn fast, that results in you never being able to get off any PKP combos because they’re always right on top of you. On the other hand, if you keep them on camera, they might hang back by using any of their attacks like the lightning discharge or the flame spin. This’ll give you enough time to get off PKP combos, but just remember to dodge those attacks.

By the time you’ve killed them you’ve probably built up a little magic. It’s in your best interests to activate Pulley’s Butterfly at this point because next up, you’ll be fighting some Joys and a Fearless! And you know how bullshit Joys are, especially when the only way to damage them is with wicked weaves, so keep those butterflies on you for safety. The trick to this part is to get in as MUCH damage as you can early on when they don’t have their bullshit swords and whips, because once they get them they NEVER let up and it becomes really hard to do a PKP combo. Also, make sure to activate Pulley’s Butterfly BEFORE dealing the final blow on Glorious/Gracious because the Joys appear FAST. Either way, keep using the PKP combo on them. You don’t have to aim, just do it any time when you’re not getting bum rushed and it’ll hit, probably several of them for a LOT of damage because they have low HP. Remember that as long as the Fearless is off camera he’s not a threat. You might want to take some hits (which the butterflies will absorb) sometimes in the interest of getting off some wicked weaves, but remember to run away and reapply the shield if it runs out. Also, you might actually want to taunt a little during the fight with Gracious and Glorious to build even more magic in preparation for this part with the Joys. Y’know, just so it doesn’t wear off before you’re done, especially because Jeanne doesn’t gain magic from dodging unless it’s a bat dodge.

After dealing with those, you’ll fight a single Beloved, except for some reason it’s beyond HUGE. Don’t freak out though, dude’s a joke. The Angel Slayer’s wicked weave attack makes him flinch such that once you get him once with it, you can dodge to cancel the recovery, and keep repeating the PKP combo until he dies and he won’t be able to do shit.

As is expected of a wicked weave challenge, getting the combo points needed isn’t a problem at all and you don’t have to do anything special. After the fight’s done, get out and go up the statue to trigger the fight with the final boss.

Verse 6

Now Jubileus. Jubileus is a cuntassbitch. She’s definitely not as fun as Balder but she’s WAY harder. Her bullshit levels are off the charts as you are sure to find out. This fight is going to drag on for a WHILE. It’s a good thing you finished that Alfheim, as that gives you full magic at the start. Go ahead and activate Pulley’s Butterfly. We’ll be making extensive use of it to stave off Jubileus’s bullshit.

She has an absolutely RIDANKALUS amount of moves. She will always start by dropping some pillars into the ground. If you’re on the ground when they hit you’ll be stunned for a bit. It’s usually no biggie if you are, you’ll usually recover in time, but it’s best if you’re in the air when they do. These pillars have a LOT of different things they can do, but truth is all their attacks are dodged in much the same way. For example, right after coming down, they may spit some blue lightning balls at you. This attack is probably their fastest one, so you’ll usually want to assume this is what they will do, and jump + dodge a lot right after they come down regardless of what they will do. Remember that this attack will also send some shockwaves along the ground, that’s why you also want to jump. Well, it’s always better to jump dodge, but in this case doubly so. This will also work when they use their fireball spitting attack, which is similar, though slightly slower.

Sometimes they themselves will not do anything, but a giant mass of energy will form in the sky, and after a few seconds do things like rain meteors on you, or send a phoenix after you. These attacks are also easily avoided simply by staying on the move and jump dodging if they get near you.

Jubileus also has an attack of her own where she’ll punch you three times. This attack is a GODSEND. It’s highly telegraphed (you’ll know it’s coming because the camera will suddenly point high up). Like I said, she will punch you three times. Just stand in place and wait for them. The heads will not harrass you at this time. Try to dodge the punches at the last second so that they give you some magic! Trust me, you need all the magic you can get in this fight because there aren’t very many ways to get it. You can actually hit her first fist with Shuraba by slashing JUST as it’s coming down and before you dodge. Same deal with the third fist, but not the second. This isn’t absolutely necessary but it’s a pretty good way to get in some extra dmg. Remember that the third punch has a little bit of delay. I said this move is a godsend because right at the end of it is the ABSOLUTE best time to attack Jubileus. She’ll leave her fist on the ground for about 3 seconds. Switch to Shuraba and slash her a few times for some decent damage. Shuraba is best because it deals the most. This is by FAR the safest way to damage her. If you want to play very conservatively, you can actually use this as the only time during which you attack her and it works. It’s up to you. The other way…

Some flying heads will also be harrassing you the entire god damn time. They’re annoying as all FUCK, god DAMN it. And killing them doesn’t make them go away, more just come. Make sure to always be moving or else they will hit you easily, and even when you’re moving stay alert and dodge when you see one rushing you. However, if you incapacitate one, you’ll be able to punt it to damage the pillars if they’re down when you do it, The catch is that it carries a little bit of risk. One, because you actually have to fight the heads, which can open you up to their attacks, two because the punt leaves you somewhat stationary (even though it DOES have invincible frames) and three, it can be difficult to time it so that you knock one out at the exact moment when the pillars are down and ALSO nothing too dangerous is going on. BUT. If you are using Pulley’s Butterfly you can AFFORD to take these risks. So, even if it’s not the safest way to damage her, this method is a very good way to damage her fast if you have that safety net. You’ll want to try to time it so that you incapacitate one before the pillars come down, and initiate the panther punt RIGHT before they come down or immediately after so that the invincible frames protect you or so that you can quickly dodge after punting.

The other way is to damage the pillars directly, but unfortunately this happens to be the least safe way. You won’t want to be close to them when they come down, and by the time you’ve dodged everything and gotten near them chances are they’ll go back up. Plus the heads will be fucking with you the entire time while you try to combo the pillars. Still, if you don’t mind the risk, you can deal damage pretty damn fast this way too. Just don’t try anything fancy like a Kilgore combo. That shit ain’t gonna work.

Anyway listen up. Getting the required number of combo points in this fight is actually NOT that easy! If you play too conservatively you won’t meet the quota, and if that happens you’ll have to do the ENTIRE chapter all over again. This happened to me twice and trust me, ain’t nothing more frustrating than that. So to this end, you want to do a few things. First of all, DO NOT have the Evil Harvest Rosary equipped god DAMMIT. Second of all, even if fighting the heads isn’t safe, you will want to do it at least a little bit to build points. And the best time to do this is in this first phase when you have full magic and the luxury of Pulley’s Butterfly. Later on you will not have it, so it’s now or never. With the butterflies’ protection, you want to do some Kilgore combos on the heads to build as many points as you can. And also when you knock one down, go for the Panther Punt because that gives TONS of points when it hits. 50 per hit, to be exact. That’s a lot. So like I said, it might not be safe but you need to do it now while you can.

After dealing just short of one bar of damage to her, she’ll switch the place to a gay fire world. You have to run to each pillar and kill it. It’s not too difficult. Right where you start, there are two paths. Take the left one.

First of all, don’t stay in one place for too long because the floor will crack and a fire pillar will rise up where you are. Second, when getting close to the pillars you have to be careful. When crossing the thin tracts of land, the tornado thingies’ fire cousins will be jumping over them on regular intervals. You want to wait until they’ve jumped over, and then quickly turn into panther and cross. But stay on your toes because as you get close to the pillar it will spit a fireball at you. You’ll know when it does this because of Temperantia’s signature cry. When you hear it, dodge just to be safe even if you don’t have good visibility. When you get to the pillar, do a quick PKP combo to destroy it. Once it’s killed, stay alert because sometimes they shoot the Phantom Swords from the Temperantia fight. They will linger in the air for a bit and then come down on you, so make sure to dodge them.

Keep going forward. You’ll get a prompt that will let you jump over on to the next place which is high up. Be CAREFUL though. There’s a fire spout coming out there in regular intervals. Wait until AFTER it comes out to jump, then mash the button to get up. Remember that the pillar will spit a fireball at you as soon as you get up there so dodge as soon as you do. Then kill it the same way as the previous one.

Jump down to the area below right in front of you and keep going forward. Don’t double jump though, because you might fall down too far ahead where fire thingies are jumping across the strip of land. As previously, wait until they’ve passed, then turn into panther and cross over to the pillar. Kill it the same way. Then keep going forward.

In the next part, you’ll have to jump over some gaps, but be careful because fire spouts will be coming out of them. Wait until after they shoot up to jump through. But ABOVE ALL, once you get close to the pillar be ready to dodge because he will throw several fireballs right at you. After he does this, jump over there and kill it. That’s the last one.

Note that Jubileus has the mysterious power of draining one entire magic bar off you every time it screams. Yeah, I have no fucking idea either. But basically, you’re gonna have no magic anymore after this, so not much reason not to use Pulley’s Butterfly.

Anyway, after killing the last pillar witch time will activate. The prompt to jump will come up. Mash the jump button several times to get over to Jubileus’s head. Now listen up. An AWESOME trick you can do here is, when you get up to her face DO NOT hit her. Notice there is still plenty of time up there on the witch time timer. As much as 80 seconds. So, what you can do is use that time to do two full big taunts and gain an entire meter for free! VERY good thing to do. Once the timer gets down to 20 though, then you start to do a Kilgore combo on her. This will cause her to fall down, stunned. At this point you do another Kilgore combo on her. Shuraba actually does more damage, but Kilgore is better because it does less damage and gives more points.

She’ll then turn the place to ice, and you’ll have to kill ANOTHER round of pillars. Blegh. Balder should’ve been the final boss. Fine, fine, I’ll stop complaining. It function similarly to the fire phase, almost identically even, except it’s a little easier because there are no fire spouts or fire thingies. The pillars will still shoot ice balls at you though, and if you stay in one place for too long and ice spike will jut out and hit you for major damage. Do the exact same thing you did the last time to kill all the pillars.

Let me make you a recommendation. Try to limit the amount that you use panther. Because, in my experience, when you’re going super fast sometimes you get hit by stuff and you don’t even KNOW what in the fuck it was.

After you kill all the pillars witch time will activate just like last time and you’ll be able to jump over to her face. Note one thing: sometimes this part will glitch out and the platforms won’t appear. Sorry but there’s nothing I can do about that. I know it’s bullshit but it’s not my damn fault, trust me, it pisses me off too. If this happens you have no choice. You will take damage and will have to try again. I told you this boss was bullshit.

Anyway, get up on her face and do the same thing you did last time (including taunting her twice).

She will then turn the place into some kind of flying lightning place. And you’ll have to kill the pillars… AGAIN. Jesus. This part is actually even more annoying than the others. You have to jump in between the hovering platforms to get at the pillars, but the prompt coming up can be pretty fickle. Basically, look around and try to find a pillar, then run towards it and chances are good that a prompt will come up to jump in that direction eventually. Just keep running and jumping in the general direction of a pillar and you will eventually get to it. But in the meantime, stay on the move because lightning comes down on your position every once in a while. Not to mention the stupid flying heads will now be bothering you, so that’s another thing to worry about.

Once you’ve destroyed them all, witch time will activate and you’ll be able to jump on the platforms again as usual to get to her face. HOWEVER. This time, there won’t be a big platform at the end where you can stand. Rather, you will have to jump until you get close enough to her face, and then do a Kilgore combo WHILE IN THE AIR to damage her. This will cause her to fall down and then you’ll be able to hit her more as usual.

After that, the last phase will start, and damn it’s the hardest one. She has new attacks now. Probably the most dangerous one are three blue whirlpools that turn you into baby form. But that’s irrelevant because the whirlpools damage you, so regardless of what happens afterwards once they hit you it’s over. These whirlpools are VERY difficult to dodge. Here’s what you have to do. When you hear the cue that she’s going to throw them out (a vacuum sound), turn into a panther and start running in a direction. Watch carefully, when the whirlpools drop on the ground, quickly jump in the OPPOSITE direction that you were running. Only jump ONCE, not double jump. As soon as you hit the ground from your jump, immediately jump the opposite direction, then in the air, double jump towards the opposite direction of THAT. By then the whirlpools should be gone, but just to be safe jump to the opposite direction one last time.

However, since this attack is so, so, so, so difficult to avoid 100% of the time, what I recommend is, once you’ve built up a little bit of magic, when you see her about to do it, (make sure you’re running as panther so you’re far from the heads), activate it. Then, dodge the whirlpools as normal, and since she ALWAYS follows that attack with her three hit punch, you can deactivate it before she throws the first punch and not worry about getting hit by bullshit. Just make sure to dodge that first punch!

In between Jubileus’s attacks, make sure to stay on the move! She also has another attack where she’ll plant all the pillars, then punch the ground and create a black hole that will suck you in. If you’re not moving when she does this, you won’t be able to get away. Once it appears just turn into a panther and run away from it until it disappears. If you’re feeling brave you can try to hit the pillars a little but it doesn’t do much. If you’re REALLY close to the vortex and it looks like it will suck you in, turn into a panther, jump and dodge in the air. This will give you a good speed boost to get away.

She will still use her 3 hit punch, and this is still the best way to gain magic by dodging it and do damage afterwards during her recovery.

Speaking of magic, chances are you won’t have any at the start of this section, and even if you do, this fight is SO GOD DAMN LONG that if you activate Pulley’s Butterfly it’ll just wear off eventually. So you’re going to have to do without it, at least at first. I know it’s dangerous, but there’s no choice. What I recommend is fighting without it and only using it to avoid the whirlpools.

She still has the moves where she plants the pillars in the ground and they shoot fire, ice and lightning balls at you. These are all still VERY dangerous, especially the lightning, so make sure to jump dodge when they come down.

If the pillars throw either ice or fireballs at you, you can then run up to them with panther and hit them a bit afterwards, especially when the heads aren’t around. Remember that those heads are VERY dangerous, so you might not want to risk it when they’re around, especially by the end.

The big mass of energy that appears up will also now start use tracking lasers that will try to sweep around the arena and hit you. To avoid these turn into a panther and just run the fuck away (and preferably also jump).

After you’ve damaged her enough, she’ll start screaming every now and then during a short scene where parts of her will crumble. This is ultra gay. Her scream not only robs you of one meter, but ALSO when the cutscene ends the heads are ALL around you and VERY likely to be in the middle of an attack. What can you do? Nothing, except SPAM that dodge button as fast as you can before the cutscene ends.

Now. I fought this boss for over 12 mother fucking hours. That’s right. Let me repeat that Twelve. Mother. Fucking. Hours. That’s how hard it is. And in that time I developed one killer tactic that is VERY important. It is the one thing that really finally turned things around for me and made me start to consistently do very well (aside from the whole use Pulley’s Butterfly only when she summons whirlpools thing. That’s also a big game changer.) The thing I discovered is to always be in Panther mode running in a single direction in between her attacks but also JUMPING nonstop. The thing is that jumping as panther gives you a big boost of speed, and that boost of speed is actually enough that it allows you to not only outrun the heads well, but also when she plants the pillars in the ground, it doesn’t MATTER what attack it does (the lightning one is EXTREMELY dangerous and difficult to dodge), because by the time they do their attack, you will already be SO FAR AWAY that it cannot reach you. This holds true for the shockwaves along the floor, the fire phoenix, the fireballs, everything. Trust me, do this and it will become SO much easier. Do be careful though, because sometimes the speed you get by jumping is so much that you run faster than she can turn towards you, which can make it so that she never does a move. If that happens slow down a little so she can do one.

When you get her HP down to about half of the yellow bar, be ready to hit PK as soon as the prompt for the climax shows up! You need to be FAST! I actually wasn’t fast enough the first time and then I got owned, so don’t let it happen to you.

Also, make SURE to SPAM that dodge button before the cutscene is over because the heads WILL have their hitbox out immediately upon the cutscene finishing. I actually got hit after the climax because of this one time. So frustrating. Again, don’t let it happen to you. Turn into a panther and run up the path made of hair. Be careful, especially because you’re unlikely to have any magic at this point. She will swipe her hand across the hair in front of you, so jump and dodge through it. She will do this several times. It’s not too hard to dodge through it but stay frosty because if you get hit here… you’ll have to do the whole fight again. When you get to the top, you’ll have to hit climax again. Do so, and you’ll be up on her face. Do a full Kilgore combo to take off the rest of her HP! Then she’ll fall and you’ll have to hit a climax for the last time.

Make sure to mash that button as fast as you can so you get the big bang bonus. Then you’ll punch Jubileus to the sun. You can steer her as she hurtles through space. You want to steer her away from the planets. You can kind of see where each planet is. Some of them will be on the lower left corner, that means when going past it you steer her as hard as you can to the upper right corner. Some will be on the upper right corner,that means you steer her all the way to the lower left corner. And so on and so forth. Remember to steer her ALL the way as far as she’ll go because the planets’ gravitational fields will pull you towards them. If you hit a planet you’ll lose. Take her all the way to the sun to end the verse!

Verse 7

This next verse is actually pretty difficult. You’ll have to break all of Jubileus’s pieces. The time limit is VERY strict, that’s going to be the hardest part, but also getting the combo points needed is somewhat tough too.

The trick doing this is to use the air Kilgore combo and do it IN FULL. Even if the piece in front of you gets destroyed, finish the combo because the rockets you shoot are likely to hit the other pieces and that saves on time, which is essential. This is the most important trick. The second one is to remember to shoot nonstop while you’re repositioning yourself so that your combo doesn’t break. You should have 9.9x by the end, and even if you have that much you might still not get platinum if you don’t use the Kilgore combo.

You should finish in around 40 seconds to get the platinum medal for time.

During the credits you’ll be assaulted by a bunch of ghetto verses. You need to get PP on all of those too. Fuck me, as if we weren’t exhausted by now. But we’re almost done.

Verse 8

This is a ghetto fight against Jeanne. You need to note that you only have Scarborough fair here, and that if you have the Evil Harvest Rosary equipped, that will PREVENT you from getting PP if you use it. So either don’t have it on or try not to use it. Jeanne here is pretty tame, she’s not that aggressive and will even taunt a lot, so you can kill her really fast and get that PP just by using PKP combos on her. She will not use wicked weaves, so as long as you keep a healthy distance away from her she won’t be able to hit you! That means after every wicked weave you dodge backwards once to re-establish that distance.

Verse 9

This is a ghetto fight against a few little angels. The thing to note is that here you have durga/shuraba on hands and Kilgore/whatever on feet. That means you’re incapable of using the Kilgore combo! Motherfucker. But oh well. Shuraba is still pretty good and that’s all we need to PP this. Simply use its PKP combo to kill them all really fast with the wicked weave. You can mix in a few PPPPP~ combos with Shuraba but don’t use too many of them or you won’t finish in time!

Verse 10

The last verse is a ghetto fight in the graveyard against some little angels followed by a Beloved. You only have Scarborough Fair here, which is really gay, although you’re in god mode which means every attack does a wicked weave. Your main objective here should be to keep the combo from breaking throughout the entire fight, so make sure that you’re always hitting something. Since every attacks makes wicked weaves, it’s pointless to use the PKP combo. You can use the PPPPK~ combo, which is pretty good as well as the PPPPP~ combo. But guess what. That alone won’t be enough. The REAL trick to getting PP in this verse is to taunt the enemies so they turn red and THEN combo them. Especially the beloved at the end, make sure he’s red before you dispatch him with an aerial PPPPK~ combo and the PP should be yours.

And holy mother of the ten thousand thundercunts we are done. This chapter was a bigger nightmare than I ever imagined. I can’t believe I tried this thing for over 15 hours, getting hit by the most bullshit things, having my spirit crushed and ground to dust and I did NOT break anything. I am officially some kind of motherfucking Buddha.

Conclusion

Mother fuck, why do I keep doing this to myself?! I said I wasn’t going to do another guide and I go and make one even bigger than my Second Opinion guide? How can one man possibly be this stupid. Seriously I am so god DAMN exhausted. Interestingly, I started writing this thing on December 17, and now it’s January 17. So exactly one month. I can’t claim to have been working nonstop though. I mean, you know how big of a slacker I am. But now I’m FINALLY free! Free to be even lazier than usual! But yeah, screw this. I am NEVER doing this again for really realz this time.

Anyway, about Bayonetta. Pretty good game. Platinum made something they can be proud of, even if it does have some shortcomings. The difficulty is completely out of whack, with beating normal/hard/NC being too easy, while PPing being way too ridiculous (unless you beat the system. If you don’t… it’s only theoretically possible. In the same way that it’s theoretically possible that I could win the lottery tomorrow [provided I bought a ticket]). Then there are things like dumb inputs for certain moves and questionable enemy design (screw you, Joy. FUCK you). But I’ll save that for the review. So look out for that in the coming days. Right after I indulge in some good old fashioned slackery of course. That’s right, I just invented that word.

But yeah. The game seems to get a lot of flak, a lot of times unjustifiably, when in reality it’s actually pretty solid. But oh well. I guess it’s time for us to part ways. Thanks for reading.

Stay crispy,
~S.A. Renegade