Final verdict: D
Final playtime: Who cares

So Assassin’s Creed. I really didn’t have high expectations for this game. Shepton had already told me it wasn’t great, but hey, I bought it anyway. I’m a renegade like that.

The first thing you’ll notice with Assassin’s Creed is that, fuck, those are some nice graphics. Then maybe, fuck, those are some nice animations.

But that’s about it. You won’t find yourself saying “Fuck, that’s some good gameplay.” Not because you are oh-so-sophisticated and hate being crass, but because there is no such thing in this game. Here’s the lowdown on Assassin’s Creed: it’s a bad game with terrific presentation. There you go. That’s all you need to know in a nutshell. But we can’t just leave it at that, can we? Concise and succinct isn’t my style, after all.

I’ll be plain and say that the number one problem with this game is that you’re always doing the same boring shit. The first time you save the citizen from the guards, it might be cool. But the fiftieth time? Not so fucking much. And I’m not even exaggerating.

This wouldn’t be a problem if the combat system were fun. God knows your fiftieth enemy in Devil May Cry is even more fun than your first. But the combat in this game can be summed up as press X to win. You wait until the enemy hits you, then press X and get treated to a nice cinematic of you killing said enemy. Does it look good? Yeah. But since when does a game looking good matter. In fact, this is a prime example of what’s wrong with Assassin’s Creed. It is so fucking superficial. It looks good when you’re gorging that enemy, but not a whole hell of a lot is going on beneath that. There is no dodging, battles are sluggish, you never have to move around, just sit and press X when appropriate. That’s all you need to do and you’ll win, because the battles are no challenge. Retarded ass enemies circle around you and politely wait for their turn to take a swing at you. Not that it’s their fault. The game wasn’t designed to have cool battles where enemies are actually a threat and fight you properly. If enemies suddenly became competent, the game would be impossible, given how terrible the battle controls are.

Seriously here people, after a while you’ll be so sick of having to save citizens that you’ll want to just walk up to them and murder them yourself. But it’s not just that. All the other activities in the game are just as boring and repetitive. Pickpocketing, interrogating, eavesdropping, climbing to tall places. All of these things might be interesting the first couple of times, but then you realize they’re fucking shallow activities that have absolutely nothing to them. And then you realize it’s what you’ll be doing over and over for the ENTIRE FUCKING GAME. No, I’m not kidding. That is really 90% of the game. Yeah, I know, it’s depressing. I’ll let you go take some of your Prozac.

That’s not the full extent of where the game is boring and repetitive though. The three cities, although quite pretty, all look basically the same. Plus, the game doesn’t give you any reason to explore them. No, a few hundred flags scattered about doesn’t fucking cut it. You’ll just look at your objective on your GPS and make a beeline for it. It looks like a lot of work went into these cities, but they’re ultimately a waste of space with the sole purpose of having something to look at in between getting from saved citizen #72 to interrogation #13. And if actually doing the game’s activities is boring and repetitive, actually getting to the objectives is worse because absolutely nothing fucking happens in between. It’s just a long, relaxing, leisurely stroll down the streets with nothing of interest happening. Look bitches, if I wanted to sightsee I’d take a motherfucking road trip. God dammit.

So yeah. Boring and repetitive is bad. I can’t take that shit. But you know what is worse than that? Annoying and frustrating. Here the game excels with the inclusion of the beggar and the retard. God fuck it. These two entities were added by the designers for the sole purpose of annoying and enraging the player. Seriously you have no fucking idea how annoying these things are. The beggars will run in front of you, and only you, ignoring the hundreds of other people in the streets, and incessantly bitch and ask you for money with their god damn shitty ass voices. These are the most disrespectful beggars I have ever seen in my entire fucking life. They actually physically stop you from walking and get right in your face and almost fucking demand that you give them the money that you don’t have. I don’t give half a flying fuck that you’re sick and poor and hungry you dirty ass whore, go fuck with someone else! And why is it that every god damn beggar in the entire world only asks me for money? Fuck you, Ubisoft.

And then there’s the retards. Fuck me, the retards. These guys are uglier than sin and in between their incoherent utterings and dumbass laughs take pleasure in walking up beside me and shoving me, and only me, for no god damn reason. And do the cops do anything when these motherfuckers shove me? Of course not. But if I shove the retard then it’s not ok. And if the shove causes me to bump against a guard they’re all over me like a fat man at a Chinese buffet. This would maybe be bearable if there were only a few of these retards. But what in the GOD DAMN FUCK is wrong with this society that one in ten people is a fucking retard?! This is why incest is bad, kids. If your sister comes up to you just say no. Unless you use protection and or abortions. Then it’s hhgghhAAALLLRIGHT!

So I haven’t really talked about the assassinations. When compared to the rest of the game they’re actually not that bad. It’s just that the actual assassinations are only about 5% of the game. I do have a problem, though, with the fact that you are supposed to be a stealthy assassin, and yet the game gives you no penalty for just going in and mowing everything down rambo style. You get spotted? No problem! Just rip your shirt open, beat your chest, and kill some bitches. Don’t get me wrong, Rambo’s a pretty cool guy. But it sure takes a lot out of it when you realize it doesn’t really matter whether or not you act like a real assassin.

Anyways, I’ve only said bad things about this game, so let’s say something good. I’m not a bad guy. The free running in Assassin’s Creed is very well done. You can run through the city and rooftops and jump, climb and swing your way through things impressively smoothly parkour-style. This also sometimes translates to fun chase sequences, even though guards never pose a real threat and are easy to get away from. All you gotta do is break their line of sight and then go sit on a bench nonchalantly and they’ll give up and go back to their normal life. How very efficient. Ain’t nobody gonna commit no crimes on your watch. What are these guys, Mexican? Just kidding, ese. I’m down with Mexico. I go to a taco truck. My Fiesta Name is Pendejo.

All kidding aside, what else was good? Oh yeah, the story was pretty cool. Problem is, it was just dragged and stretched out way too much. More than the story could probably handle, and nothing ever got resolved. It just ends in a cliffhanger. Why? ’cause Ubisoft likes money and they decided to make Assassin’s Creed a trilogy before they even started. Well you know what, Ubisoft? Joke’s on you, because I’m not buying Assassin’s Creed 2 unless it’s absolutely amazing. Except the joke’s probably not on them and everyone is all over Assassin’s Creed just because it looks so good. All people care about is graphics. Fuck the world.

Final Verdict: D

Final Playtime: Who cares