Aight, what’s the word my niggaz. S.A. Renegade here, and I’ma be your host tonight for this year’s Scathing Accuracy awards… except not really.
We’re gonna be doing something a little different this year. It’s no secret that games this year have been ASS. No, no, don’t try to deny it. You can’t run from the truth. It’s also no secret that we didn’t review that much shit this year. Not like I gotta explain myself to you fools but I just wanna say in my defense that it’s totally not my fault! I just plain don’t have as much time as I used to. I mean shit, man, I used to play like one jillion games every one jillion seconds back in the day. Hell, used to be that I even played games that I knew were probably going to suck dolphin balls and I didn’t give a fuck, I had the time. Truth is, those days are done. Nowadays I’m so busy that for the most part I have to just gloss over the shit I know is probably going to suck. Which is kind of a shame, because it basically means the chances of me giving out anything lower than a C- have drastically decreased.
Due to that, some faggots might be going “Dengue nikka you guys goin’ soft,” but… we’re not. It’s just what’s going to happen when we only have the time to play the games that we know we’re probably going to like. It’s a natural consequence of being gamers first and reviewers second. Shit, if we were playing just any old crap that came our way like professional reviewers, you can bet your ass the F’s would be flying everywhere left, right and center. There would be so many F’s the publisher would consider us a liability for advertising revenue and immediately fire us. They’d tell us we gotta tone it down, that we gotta give horse shit games more credit. And then I would just give ‘em the finger and walk away with my integrity intact. I don’t give a fuck, aight? Bitches can’t handle me. We too raw. Too street. Too real, is what we is.
Wait, what was I talking about again? Oh yeah, I just don’t have as much time to play shit as I used to back when I was younger. And I don’t think I ever will again. But that’s okay. That’s just how life works. It can never stay the same. And that segues perfectly into what we’re doing this year: just like life, our opinions may also change and evolve (hopefully not to such a high degree that we end up looking schizophrenic) based on new knowledge and experience. So, to close out the year, we look back on the history of Scathing Accuracy and ask ourselves, is there anything we regret? If we could go back, would we rate a game differently? Do we now feel differently about certain things we’ve said? Should we have been harsher, softer? I bring to you all this, and more. Or not. I’ll do whatever the fuck I feel like.
Trauma Center: New Blood, The first review ever
I was pissed at this game after XSing it due to the severe imbalances presented by adding another character with a different ability but not tweaking the operations to accommodate for it. Standard case of only testing for one character and not the other. So bam, slammed this game. But it turns out that New Blood actually had some good things that I was taking for granted. They might not have seemed that important back then when I was simply comparing it to Second Opinion. It wasn’t until much later when I played Trauma Team, which took some of these things AWAY, that I realized what we had lost. Namely, things such as the super fun GUILT/STIGMA operations, the healing touch, and harsh difficulty (the whole imbalance thing is still bad, but honestly, if I had to choose I’d rather have that than the game being too easy). So maybe I was a little bit too harsh on New Blood. It’s a good template to follow for a new game, in general, and could have been really good if they had bothered to test it more and balance the other character properly.
How could I ever have given Assassin’s Creed a D?
Holy shit this game was so bad. Was I really so blinded by the (admittedly impressive) graphics that I gave it a D? What happened? Well I take it all back. I shoulda given this shit an F for fuck you. And that’s all I gotta say about that.
Yo, did Crisis Core really get a B-? That’s, like, a really good grade!
Yeah, while I don’t necessarily take back anything I specifically said in the review, I feel like B- is too good of a grade for this game. I think I was nicer due to the PSP having pretty much nothing worth playing back then, but that’s no excuse. Somewhere along the C level would probably have been a more appropriate rating for this game.
Damn, there needs to be a higher grade than S for Shin Megami Tensei Nocturne
Don‘t worry, I’m not going to make a higher grade than S. But the point still stands. It’s been, what, 7 years now? And this is STILL the best game EVER made. That’s impressive. At this point I’m just gonna go ahead and affirm that this is the best game that has, is, and ever will be made. Especially judging by the shit games we’ve been getting these past couple of years. In fact, that’s some of the reason why we’re not giving game awards this year, we just haven’t been impressed by anything that came out this year. Kind of similar to last year, really.
Can somebody tell me how the fuck I gave Banjo Kazooie: Nuts and Bolts a D- and managed to live with myself?
Holy jesus, I never knew I was such a generous, charitable soul. That’s the only explanation I can think of as to why I gave such a high grade to this horse SHIT. This game is so bad it doesn’t deserve a D-. What it deserves is my boot up its nonexistent ass. And NOT in a good way.
Wherein I gave Super Street Fighter II Turbo HD Remix an S
Okay, this one is complicated, and extends beyond simply this specific game and towards multiplayer-focused games as a whole. The problem is that multiplayer games are fundamentally different and much, much, much more difficult to review than single player games. After beating a single player game, chances are you’re in a good position to review it. After spending 100 hours with a single player game, you’re most likely very qualified to review it. However, after spending 100 hours with, say, Starcraft, or any fighting game… you’re practically still a beginner. You might not yet be that qualified to review it because you’re still learning and there may be a myriad things that you’re not yet aware of. Things that could be important but will not surface until later. This is why I’ve stopped reviewing multiplayer games entirely.
Speaking specifically about this game, while I still maintain that it’s great, perhaps I was too generous and glossed over some things. First of all, I said the game was hard to learn but in reality it’s actually very much on the simpler and easier side compared to a lot of other fighters. Which makes it a good choice for someone new to the genre. I also said that all characters are viable, and while this is entirely true, I failed to mention that despite this there are still some very ugly matchups and because of said simplicity of the game, a lot of times you’ll get better results by simply counter-picking rather than sticking it out with your character in an unfavorable matchup. This is something that I don’t like about the game which I never mentioned in the original review, so nowadays I feel like a rating of somewhere along the A level would be more appropriate.
Oh my jesus I am so ashamed that I ever gave Final Fantasy XIII a D-
When I really should’ve given it a big fat F for Faggotry. ANY sort of decent thing it might’ve had is offset by how huge of a travesty the whole thing is. God damn I wish Square-Enix would fucking die. No company should be allowed to make games this bad and get away with it. Pisses me off just thinking fuckers like these are out there roaming free in the wilderness.
And now for Shepton’s side, let’s see what this nigger’s got…
Yeah that’s right, DJ SheppyD in this hizzy, holdin’ it down. Chillin’. Illin’. As Renegade already pointed out, we haven’t written much at all this entire year. It’s a pretty sorry state of affairs but as he also said, we’re gamers first and reviewers second. We don’t have as much time as we used to and other obligations tend to get in the way a little and we’re sorry about that. We try to play and review all the big stuff and the games which we know are gonna be at least above average, but since we’re ever shorter and shorter on time, shit like Section 8 or whatever it was called are just gonna get passed up in favor of things which are actually going to be worthwhile investments of our time and money. Sucks but whatcha gonna do. Deal with it that’s what.
Shepton’s Gears of War 2 review
I’ve said time and time again how I regret giving Gears 2 such a high grade. I wish I could delete that review, pretend it never happened.
But I said it. I said it. On the internet. And that’s sacred. I can’t remove it. No court of law would ever accept that.
…………………….. but FUCK YAW COURT, NYUKKUUUUHHHH!
Shepton gives White Knight Chronicles an F–
Yeah… I’m sorry about that. I’m really sorry. White Knight Chronicles didn’t deserve an F–.
…But that’s the lowest our grading system goes and I couldn’t give it anything worse than that. I’m truly, truly sorry.
I really wanted to give this game much worse than an F– but grades that low simply don’t exist. Later in our reviewing history, Renegade and I decided that there was only one game that we had to bend the rules for, so we gave FFXIV its own grade, infathomably worse than F–. We gave FFXIV the dark and frightening grade of FFXIV– because that game broke new ground in the field of being indescribably terrible that it shocked us. It found new, exciting and never-before-seen ways of sucking. As a result, we were a little desensitized to regular levels of badness after experiencing it, and nothing will ever feel so bad again. It’s likely that FFXIV will remain the only game reviewed by Scathing Accuracy to ever have its own entirely unique score.
But that’s just unrelated rambling. Keep on suckin’, White Knight Chronicles.
B-ulletstorm
Whenever I look back at this review I’m like “I gave it a B-? Really?”. In hindsight, I’m not certain that Bulletstorm deserved a grade as high as B-. And yet C+ seems too low. It’s a dilemma for me. The game was legitimately fun and enjoyable. Nothing out of this world, but it was decent fun for the relatively short while it lasted. But did it have the staying power or originality to earn a grade as high as a B? Okay, fine, so I’ll give it a C+… But no. It feels too good to get a measly C grade! C means average, and this was definitely above average.
It’s difficult to explain my opinion further than that. I’m simply torn. C+ seems too low and B- seems too high, even though they’re only a hair’s breadth apart. Bulletstorm was decent, and above average. So I guess B- is fine. But it was also pretty forgettable, and ultimately I only got it because it gave me access to the Gears 3 beta. And therein lies my problem.
So yeah. I’m still undecided on this one. I can’t change it now because I’ve already said it, but I’m not sure I WANT to change it. And that’s what’s bothering me.
Shepton sings Minecraft’s praises
…But now I’m changin’ my tune. Man, I said a lot of good shit about Minecraft back in the day. I was initially very impressed by its apparent originality and uniqueness, and I said as much in a blogé post a while back. And god damn, it took me quite a while to start noticing some of the game’s glaringly obvious flaws that are actually really big problems. I stopped enjoying the game fairly quickly, but I never really could put my finger on exactly why other than I got bored of it pretty fast because it had so many limitations.
But only now, after watching an incredibly eye opening and honest video review by these guys, did I finally realize the full extent of what’s really, really wrong with minecraft. So I take back the praise. It’s not as good as I initially thought. I got bored of it and had a few of my own reasons for not playing it any more (all of which are covered in that video in some form), but that review really put the “game” in perspective. And I was playing it before most of the features he’s talking about were even in the game. Damn.
MUCH style. Mafia II
Man what is the deal with hindsight. Mafia II wasn’t a C! I’m sure that shit was a D+ at best. How the fuck did I give it a C-? Because the fuckin’ cars had whitewall tires?! God dammit why must I be such a whore for style?! This is a problem. I have identified this as a problem with my own self. Style is a weakness which can sway me. Mafia II was a linear, restrictive, limited gaming experience that was essentially just a stripped-down version of GTA. The fact that it was stripped down means I should have given it a LOWER score, not a higher score. But some flashy old cars and classy suits enamored me to this game despite the fact that it wasn’t all that great if I’m honest.
Hammer time
Oh wait what in the fuck? I gave Red Faction: Guerilla Warfare a C-? That game was ASS. What the FUCK inspired me to give it an average grade? Also, seriously, take a look at that review. Was I in a fuckin’ hurry or something? That shit is like two paragrahs long. Fuck was I even thinking reviewing something I cared so little about? It was clearly not even a game worth writing about, and yet I gave it a C-? I cannot even fathom what the fuck I was doing. My apologies for a clearly sub-par review.
Alien Swarm
B+? Nah. It was never that good. I think I was just won over by the fact that it was free and Valve had a hand in it. I guess back in 2010 I was still a huge Valve fanboy. Them rose tinted glasses, man. They’ll fuck you up. Also I forgot to put a title tag on that screenshot in that review. Shit. I hope I haven’t missed any other screenshots like that.
In all seriousness, Alien Swarm was a decent game but it was painfully short and had almost zero replayability. If I reviewed it today, it would probably get a C-.
And there you have it, people! Our confessions on some things we’d change if we could go back. Ahhhh! I feel so cleansed. So fresh, and so clean, clean. Actually, based on this it looks like in our old age we’ve only become bigger and more hateful assholes than before. Soon we’ll find ourselves yelling at clouds. But whatever, that cloud was probably a douche man. But yeah! Maybe next year we’ll have some actual awards for actual games. But don’t count on it.