This is the ONLY place where you'll find legitimate awards that don't lick the boots of the mainstream or give awards to something just for being popular. After disgusting spectacles like this year's spike TV videogame awards it's about damn time I came and set things straight.
That's right assholes, it's that time of year when I evaluate just how shitty the year was. And by GOD this one was shitty. 2009 will go down in history as one of the shittiest years for gaming. Even Atlus, last year's messiah, took a dramatic shift towards less than stellar handheld games this year, leaving 2009 completely and utterly forsaken. WHO CAN SAVE IT NOW?! No one. It's over. Just put it out of its misery.
But let's get this shit started, shall we? This is the 2009 Scathing Accuracy Awards, brought to you by me, S.A. Renegade.
Best Graphics Award
Winner: Street Fighter: The Movie
This game's visuals are mind blowing. Never before has such amazing detail and clarity been achieved on a current gen console.
With near-flawless lip synching, realistic animation that sometimes makes you actually think you're looking at real actors, and blindingly fast moves and combos that will leave your eyes bleeding, this is truly the game for all who own an HDTV of 50 inches or larger. And to think that it's exclusive to the wii! Who would have thought that Nintendo would suddenly pull this rabbit out of their hat!
This Music is Hell of Tite Award
Winner: Brutal Legend
Ok, so, Brutal Legend may have been a mediocre piece of shit, but if it did one thing right, it was having some pretty damn rockin' music. I wasn't sure about giving this award at first since the soundtrack is all outside music from real established musicians, but I figured what the hell. It don't matter where it's from. Badass music is still badass. In fact, I wouldn't be opposed in general if more games started using outside music. In fact that's what I would do if I made a game. Which I won't, but I'm just sayin'.
We Forgot How to Make a Good Game Award
Winner: Star Ocean 4
Was there a bigger insult this year than this travesty? I fucking doubt it. From consistent freezing issues to retarded characters to a blatant disregard of important Star Ocean features, no one knows how this shitstain happened, all we know is there were probably drugs involved. After all, the only type of reasoning that would lead to doing away with Star Ocean's pair endings is the same type of reasoning that would lead to this:
The difference being that one leads to an awesome conclusion and the other doesn't. No points for guess which is which.
Dishonorable Mention: Street Fighter IV
Fighting game of the year? Aaaaahahahaha. Street Fighter IV is garbage and everyone knows it. The best fanboys can come up with is that it "revitalized the fighting game community". HEY. Fuck you. First of all the only reason this game did well was because it was the new Street Fighter. Second of all the fact that it did well doesn't even mean SHIT. Since when did commercial success have jack shit to do with getting an award? Oh right, since the day every mainstream awards show sold out and started being run by corporate mouthwhores and retards who think they're gamers just because they've played Gears of War.
With a pretty grotesque art style, painful voice acting in the form of a very annoying announcer, slow movement, dumbed down reversals, questionable character balance, long turtlefest battles, undue focus on 1 frame links, weaker throws and damage negating techs, unplayably bad netcode and more problems that I'm too lazy to list, SFIV proves that just because Capcom was responsible for SFII doesn't necessarily mean they know what they're doing. Maybe SFIV will improve in later versions. But until then, it ain't getting any fucking awards from me. Well, except for this one. You can have this award, SFIV. Enjoy.
We Never Even Knew How to Make a Good Game in the First Place Award
Winner: Assassin's Creed II
Assassin's Creed is so laughably bad that I couldn't even be assed to spend even a negligible amount of my vast fortune on its probably equally as bad sequel. As such, I didn't play it. Fortunately Shepton did, and here's what he has to say about this particular piece of shit:
"Assassin's Creed 2, a game which tried so hard, and got so far, but in the end, it didn't even matter. Ubisoft listened well to the feedback they received on Assassin's Creed, and got completely the wrong idea. They tried to fix the repetitiveness by adding even more mundane, repetitive tasks to toil away at endlessly. They tried to make up for Desmond interrupting the story by removing him almost entirely, and they attempted to make up for the previous game's short length by making the new one completely overstay its welcome by at least five hours. They also maintained the game's biggest flaw; its god awful combat system, and continued to show that they know nothing of design and are just a bunch of corporate mouth-whores."
Yep, pretty much what I expected. And big fucking surprise, Ass Cream continues to be a wildly popular commercial success, even garnering best action-adventure awards from retards who won't be named. Guess what. Even if there wasn't a SINGLE other action-adventure game released the ENTIRE god damn year, I STILL wouldn't give that award to this trash. Like I say, it's like how the Nobel Prize used to be before it sold out and started being handed to bitches who haven't done shit: if no one deserves it, DON'T FUCKING GIVE IT OUT TO THE ONE WHO HAPPENED TO FAIL THE LEAST. Jesus fucking H.
Game We Didn't Care Enough About to Play Award
Winner: Dragon Age Origins
Holy nigger in heaven, this game triggers such mythological levels of apathy in me that I can barely finish typing this sentence, so I'll let Shepton handle this one:
"This award goes to Dragon Age, for failing entirely to arouse any sort of interest in us whatsoever. This incredible display of absolutely nothing began with a trailer showing medieval knights fighting to the screechy vocals and grating guitars of none other than Marilyn Manson. Clearly BioWare believe in the old proverb; "If the shoe doesn't fit, risk bunions anyway""
Your Resistance Only Makes My Penis Harder Award
Winner: Demon's Souls
Demon's Souls, a game that is out to rape you in the ass as hard and as many times as possible, and isn't even trying to hide it. Few commercial games demonstrate the sadistic desire to fuck you up at every possible opportunity quite like Demon's Souls. Indeed, your resistance only makes its penis harder.
Interestingly, Demon's Souls happens to be a great game (but not spectacular) despite the myriad asshole design choices used. How did this happen? Who knows! All I know is it's one of the games that sucked the least this year, so you have my blessing if you plan to get it.
Winner: Tony Hawk: Ride
We can't understand why Tony Hawk tries to defend this piece of shit. It is JUST. PLAIN. BAD. Tony, deal with it.
Innovation Can Go Eat a Bag of Dicks. A whole bag of 'em! Award
Winner: Harvest Moon: Animal Parade
Once again, I award games that boldly stand against innovation! In dark times like these where anything that was once awesome immediately gets completely fucked up, where we have to make satanic rituals and sacrifice baby goats in hopes that a sequel to a great game won't suck too badly, games that are sensible enough to stick to a winning formula should be commended.
Animal Parade, in particular, is basically the exact same game as last year's Tree of Tranquility, with the same graphics, the same engine, the same gameplay, the same characters and the same awesomeness. So if you've been lamenting the fact that there are no good wii games anymore, get this one. And since we obviously can't trust developers to not be raging dipshits, more need to start adhering to the if it ain't broke don't fix it mantra. Of course, this only works if your game ain't broke to begin with. You can't apply this mantra if your game is, like, Assassin's Creed or some shit like that. Bitch, please. Better off burning that shit down to the ground and starting over.
Wasted Idea Award
Or how to go from one of the most awe-inspiring concepts in recent memory to worthless trash no one even remembers 2 weeks later. Apparently someone forgot to tell these guys that a cool idea is NOT actually enough to make a good game. With frustrating controls, unimaginative levels, lazy design and just general all around suckitude, Scribblenauts firmly cements itself as a game that might sound interesting but in reality no one should give a shit about.
WHO FUCKING SAYS FIGHTERS GOTTA HAVE BAD STORY Award
Winner: Blazblue: Calamity Trigger
I may not've liked Blazblue that much but if there's one thing I gotta admit it's they did an amazing job with the story and the characters. So amazing, in fact, that it makes me wish I had liked the game more just so I could see them more. That's how much they stuck with me. From the main guy Ragna the Bloodedge, one badass dude who tries his damn hardest to act like a prick but in reality is such a nice guy that he can't help gaining everyone's love despite his best efforts, to the unbelievably cute Noel "pleeeaaase don't mock me!" Vermillion constantly having her hat getting in her eyes, the brilliant Arakune with his amazing insane laugh and deceptively profound quips, the tragic slave Tager, who can barely even think in peace without his master getting on his case, to Carl Clover, the little boy ironically controlled by his own puppet and the vampire Rachel, who automatically wins on account of her awesome clothes and accent.
All of this done with generally excellent voice acting, highly entertaining cutscenes that really bring the characters to life as they interact with each other, and let's not forget the AMAZING sketches you can unlock where the characters are chibi versions just doing random character development and interaction.
Most Overhyped Piece of Shit Award
Oh well whaddya know, another shit game I didn't bother playing. How will I ever regain my street cred now? Fortunately my boy Shepton apparently has more time on his hands and has a few things to say about this:
"People are hell of gullible and far too eager to eat shit and like it because the game devs and publishers are telling them it's some kind of exotic European chocolate. "Did you hear about Borderlands? It's the first RPGFPS ever!" they say, all ridiculously. Borderlands ain't the first RPGFPS! Damn, people! Borderlands is repetitive and consistently bland throughout, with a weak plot, thousands upon thousands of the same enemies over and over again, and basically no challenge. It's more fun if you play it with friends, but that's only because you're having too much fun talking shit with them that you don't notice you've had to walk back and forth through the same copy/pasted terrain for the last hour picking up the same shitty weapons from the same shitty enemies."
I like how we talk about exotic European chocolate like we're not in Europe ourselves. That's what happens when you basically live on the internet. Don't let it happen to you.
Why Did You Think of That Though. Why Would You Think of That. Award
Winner: Resident Evil 5
For pioneering entirely new levels of suckitude, Resident Evil 5 receives our award for a game so overwhelmingly awful that it actually defies logic. When I reviewed this game in the spring I said it had the potential to be the worst game of 2009, and a year later, I still can't think of anything worse.
The dude punches a fucking boulder for christ's sake. The story is retarded, the characters are huge fucking dumbasses, the movement is sluggish and awkward, the controls are beyond awful, enemies don't do shit, the ENTIRE thing is just so fucking bad. But you know what pisses me off the most? That some dipshits actually think this is a good game just because it's called Resident Evil, has nice graphics and you can play it co-op. Hey, newsflash, assholes, just because you can have a good time talking shit with your friends doesn't erase the fact that you're doing it while playing a shit game. God dammit, when are people gonna stop being so retarded? This piece of shit isn't even average. Anyone who thinks this game is good is just plain wrong. Fuck you.
Game of the Year Award
Winner: NOBODY. Fuck you.
That's right. I'm stepping up and saying what everyone's been too pussy or too fucking stupid to say: nothing deserves the game of the year award this year. When a year has sucked as hard as this one, what do you do? Do you just give out the game of the year to the game that sucked the least? NO, you fucking dumbasses. Game of the Year implies a game that not only rose above everything else that year, but is also legitimately awesome in its own right. Being that 2009 has been one of the absolute worst years for gaming in recent memory with not a SINGLE game that was truly amazing, it's pretty clear to me that this award shouldn't be given out AT ALL. We can't reward mediocrity just because that's what everyone is doing. So fuck you, gaming industry. Fuck you, mainstream media. Fuck you, 2009. And fuck you too. Yes, you.
So there you have it, folks. The definitive videogame awards for 2009, brought to you by me. Aaaand I guess also some guy called Shepton. But mostly me. If a game you like didn't get a cool award, it's either because I didn't get around to playing it or because you're a dipshit with horrible taste. Whaddya think I am, some kinda machine? I can only play so many games! Welp. I'll see you around. This has been S.A. Renegade, glad this year is over, at least 2010 is looking better. God knows it can't possibly be any worse.