We're honored to be hosting once again the most prestigious and meaningful video game awards ceremony with celebrities and red carpets and all the game devs to throw eggs and rotten tomatoes at. We even sprung for real, actual, physical, literal awards to give to people this year!
But the thing is we forgot to send out invites so we're here alone at the event. Climpa's already passed out on the floor near the pre-spiked punch bowl. Renegade didn't even show up, and when I called him he requested that I "suck on a bag of dicks" and conjectured that my mother works as a prostitute. So I guess it's all on me to hand out these garbage awards and deliver these speeches to the empty chairs in the audience.
Best graphics Award
Look... we're not doing this again. I think we've made our point.
Dishonorable mention: Your face. OOOOOH
Breaking New Ground... In the field of failure Award
Winner: Final Fantasy XIV: Online
A game so bad it wins an award for making every other game look significantly better. FFXIV was truly innovative and groundbreaking in its attempts to bore and frustrate all its players into quitting within its first two months. This is a game which caused Square-Enix to slash their profit forecast by over 90%. That's how badly it bombed. You know when even faggot emo teens won't play your garbage MMO, it's really, REALLY bad.
Square-Enix has been struggling for quite some time to produce anything even remotely enjoyable. Their Final Fantasy series, once beloved by gamers everywhere, sadly died along with the Playstation 1. But they continue to set its place at the table every day at dinner out of some morbid habit.
Dishonorable mention: Final Fantasy 13
FF13 was completely inexcusable and was going to receive this award until its own younger brother rescued it from the harsh glare of the spotlight. And I thought nothing could top White Knight Chronicles in terms of awfulness.
He's dead, Jim Award
Winner: Sonic 4
Many longtime fans of the Sonic the Hedgehog series proclaimed that Sonic 4 heralded the triumphant return of the true essence of Sonic. Their ramblings went unheeded, because nobody in the world cared.
The reanimated corpse of everybody's favorite blue hedgehog that nobody wants to admit is starting to smell a lot like great grandpa Albert was finally given the chance to run from left to right once again. Sonic returned; two dimensional and with no friends. Kinda like the people who still think Sonic is cool.
It's sad, because Sonic 4 was actually not bad. It's just too little, too late. Sonic's image was destroyed by all of the new friends that Sega wouldn't stop adding in each new, awful reimagining of the series. That, and bad gameplay and even worse ideas. But, at least with Sonic 4, Sonic can die with dignity. Sega, end it. END IT NOW. END IT ALL. JUST STOP.
Biggest flash in the pan Award
Winner: Alien Swarm
Does anybody even remember this game? No no, seriously. Wasn't it something about a TF2 hat that fights crime?
Alien Swarm was fun for about a week. For a short while, it was all the internet talked about. It was new, it was free, it had four player co-op and it didn't have bad gameplay or graphics. Valve had a hand in it, too, and since Valve does so little these days that made Alien Swarm a really big deal, until people got bored of it and forgot it ever existed.
Dishonorable mention: Minecraft
Minecraft is pretty damn great. However, its time in the sun seems to have passed. Amazing and theoretically limitless as it is, it just gets boring after a while.
Pay attention to me! I'm DIFFERENT! Award
Winner: Heavy Rain
Oh, hey. It's one of those games that's "quirky" and "artistic".
Look, I'm all for art and originality in games, but only if it's done well and is appropriate, but Heavy Rain missed the mark with a vengeance. Its unorhodox controls were unnecessary and the plot was thin. It was also really short. It felt as though the game was originally intended to have a variety of endings and stories depending on your actions, but no, it's the same. Nothing is ever different, and the outcome is always almost identical, leading to very little replayability.
And then they remade it to include Playstation move controls? WHY? We all know who the killer is now, so the plot doesn't inspire replays. And the game merely gives you the illusion of control, so what's the point of adding the ability to wave a dildo with a lightbulb on the end at the screen? What specifically does that add?
The Secret Ingredient is you Award
Aww, it's the little indie game that could. Minecraft is unique, original, entertaining, fiendishly addictive and relentlessly creative. The game has an incredibly simple premise: You are in a world. In this world there are things. Earth, rock, water, sand, trees, rivers, oceans, lava, beaches. All kinds of things. You can turn those things into materials, and use those materials to create tools and objects. You can smash up a tree with your bare fists and turn the harvested wood into tools, like axes to cut wood faster, shovels to dig earth and sand, picks for mining, buckets for gathering liquids, furnaces to turn sand into glass or cook food.
It's pretty limitless how much you can create over time, and I'm sure I don't need to link you to that video of the guy who made a 1:1 scale replica of the USS Enterprise. Man, how big of a nerd can you be?
But anyway, Minecraft is mind-blowingly simple, and yet allows for the creation of incredible things. Still, as I mentioned earlier, it just gets dull after a little while, and it seems to have been largely forgotten already. I think everyone's just waiting for the next indie game worth playing.
Best writing Award
Wow. What can I say? The plight of Minecraft's protagonist is heartfelt and pure, and the plot so compelling and mesmerizing. A++++
Dishonorable mention: Call of Duty: Black Ops
HOOOOOLY shit are you fucking kidding me. Black mother fucking Ops. Jesus god damn christ. Fuck this game's singleplayer campaign. The game starts out by ripping off Fight Club, and when you see it coming it doesn't try to surprise you by doing a 180, it just keeps on going and is still just a ripoff of Fight Club.
Best Cross-over Poker Game Award
Winner: Poker Night a the Inventory
A game so good I had to give it a category wherein it was the only nominee to ensure that it couldn't lose. Yeah, these things are rigged. What the fuck did you expect? We're owned by Gamespot.
Anyway, Poker Night not only takes fun characters and smashes them together in a situation that somehow just works really well, but it has them all have hilarious conversations while you play. If you wanna spend a half hour feeling good and having a hell of light time, you needn't look further than Poker Night.
The Cash Cow that Kept on Giving Award
Winner: Whatever pokémon game came out most recently
Still going frighteningly strong, the Fisher Price My First RPG series of money-printers continues to rob parents of ridiculous amounts of cash to feed their children's weird, confusing addiction to forcing wild animals into tiny, spherical prisons and forcing them to fight.
But have you seen all the new pokeymon in Black & White? Dum pokeymon look OFF THE FUCKIN' CHAIN, NIGGA.
Is heaven missing an angel? 'cause you've got nice cans. Award
Probably the best action game to come out all year. It also has a hot chick that gets all kinds of naked while killing shit using satisfying combos and a variety of fun and entertaining weapons.
Dishonorable mention: God of War 3
I guess the title of this award is misleading. Kratos does not have nice cans. Bayonetta does. The award was named for Bayonetta and her nice cans, but I figured it's been a while since one of these awards had a dishonorable mention and I decided to make it about action games and tacked GoW3 on here.
Game of the Year Award
Winner: The Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask
Transcending time itself, Majora's Mask has snatched the 2010 game of the year award. And it sure as fuck deserves it, too. I fucking challenge you to find one game in existance that's legit better than Majora's Mask.
Dishonorable mention: Red Dead Redemption
RDR is just a pretty great game. Not without flaws, but really good. But what can I say? It's just not as good as Majora's fucking Mask. Not by a long shot.
Alright, that's it. That's 2010. You don't have to go home but you can't stay here. Climpa, I'm talking to you. Get off the floor, man, you're an embarrassment.